Life and Times

Hey everyone. This morning I donated blood, finally breaking my six min record for 5 mins and 55 seconds. Yep. Quite an accomplishment for someone who isn't even sure if she has veins. Okay, it's not quite like that, but my veins are hard to find. If you're looking for them. Which I don't suspect that you are.

Alright, anyways, I was realizing this morning while I was walking to the Blood Clinic that during my period of doubt/suffering, I spent loads of time with God, and nothing else mattered. Since things have improved, why the hey-diddle-diddle has it been so easy for me to be so complacent?

It's very horrible. When I finish blogging today, I need some God time.

I'm really excited; my friend Melody and her family are having me over for Easter weekend. I was very surprised by their offer, and it meant so much! I'm looking forward to getting out of the city and spending time with her/her family! They're awesome people; they hosted us for the sunrise service!

Which reminds me - the sunrise service was BEAUTIFUL! Firstly, God put on an amazing show. It was so cool to worship Him while the sun was coming up - it provoked an awareness of His Power! Secondly, the people were awesome sauce. I met some new friendies, and bonded further with some not-so-new friendies. It was great.

I was thinking last night while I was walking home. I know, weird. But, it was a very, very windy night and I was thinking that we stop and worship a great God because we see His Power in the wind - and the best part is that the wind is such a little feat for God. Like, a windstorm here is probably God just blinking or something. A tornado? Oh, God must've snapped His Fingers. Can you imagine if He clapped!?

Not saying this is what goes on in Heaven, just saying that our God is powerful and worthy of all. :)

My Weekend by Google Images

This is my weekend, according to Google Images Search. Enjoy.

Mind Blown by Mercy

I'd have to say that this probably has a very misleading title. You're probably thinking "Oooh, a story about how God has shown her rich mercy today, how exciting!" Well, sorry to let you down, but that's not what this post is about.

[That said, God's mercy is INCREDIBLE and I don't even get how big it is sometimes. He's wow.]

I just took a spiritual gifts test. I don't know how to feel about the results. My top 3 highest scores are as follows:

1. Showing Mercy
2. Leadership
3. Pastoring/Shepherding

These were followed by things like administration, evangelism and related things.

Okay, leadership - maybe we all saw this coming. And maybe even pastoring sounds like me (I wouldn't know...).

But showing mercy?

I have never known this to be one of my gifts. What does that mean? How do I use that? Do I still get to serve in the church? Am I supposed to be serving? I long to serve others. I'm so confused!

On the other hand, this is a very humbling gift to have - even if I don't believe that it is true.

It's wild, mercy is something I only associate with God. I feel like I can't have this gift; it's not of Earth. I guess I'm not either... but what does this all mean? How could a human have a quality that is strictly HIS?! It's weird. I'm honoured, but plagued by disbelief that I could actually share this gift with the Divine Creator.

But isn't that what all spiritual gifts are, then? Qualities that we share with God because of the presence of His Spirit?

So have I always had this gift?

What I mean is, I sometimes struggle with knowing that my gift of leadership is of God. I feel like there are a lot of non-followers who share this gift too, which is weird for me. As someone put it the other day, my leadership is leadership in my [church] family, where as others just have the capability to lead. And I know we're all created in His image, so we're all going to mirror some of His qualities, which are all amazing.. But is showing mercy something that only appears once we've received divine mercy?

How could I have shown mercy before, not knowing what it was?

And I still have no idea what mercy is, exactly. I'm gonna need to study this. I will never know what this cost God, to show me mercy. I feel like me showing others mercy costs me nothing. Are the two even alike?!

How do I use this gift? In the same way that I have been (apparently)?

Wait, what does that mean?

On tomorrow's to-do list, I've got to take a personality test that links up with this spiritual gifts test and proposes some areas in which I could/should serve in the church.

It's exciting, but also sorta scary. I feel analyzed by a small booklet. Haha.

Wow, I am looking forward to diving into the Word tomorrow morning. I know there are answers there.

This picture (above) was on the Google image search for 'merciful.' Beautiful? I think so.

Something I share? I don't see it.

The Rescue

Okay, before I get serious, I just wanted to say that this is officially my 13th entry. That means that my blog no longer fits on one page. I feel like this is an accomplishment.

Now, the serious part.

GOD HAS RESCUED ME!

Not only has He rescued me from this period of doubt, but also from my trouble with tongues. I'm not going to go into what those troubles are, they're very personal, but MY GOD IS AMAZING!!!

I am so blessed to serve this God.

God has also been faithfully showing me the way out of worshiping marriage/earthly romance as an idol. I'll try to write more on this when I know more, but right now it's all new and unfamiliar.

I am so high on joy right now, I want to constantly remember this moment.

I am blessed by the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. I heard an amazing quote today, one that said something like - even if I was going to hell and knew it, I would still praise and serve Jesus because HE IS WORTHY.

So true. So true.

New Clothes

Hey everyone.

This week has continued to trudge on painfully. It'll be over soon enough. I don't care when that is. There's lots going on and lots that I'm struggling with: doubt and tongues leading the parade.

Regardless of all that, I just had the coolest realization. Maybe not the coolest per say, and it's not exactly my realization... I'll just explain.

Today was Stuff Christians Like's 2 year birthday, and the author made a list of his 10 favourite posts from this year. Having read all but one, I quickly read the one I missed.

Here it is:

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2009/04/512-thinking-youre-naked/

I was amazed. Jon first referenced Genesis 3:11, when God asks Adam and Eve why they're naked. He then referenced Isaiah 61:10, where it talks about Jesus re-clothing us. And I just thought this was amazing. Why did I never put the two together before?

Wow.

Though My Heart is Torn

Hi guys. As it turns out, I'm still struggling with this doubt. I'm in a very frustrating place - I know God exists! Why am I questioning it?!

I need help. I'm very scared and confused. But I know, somehow, that I will make it because He's carrying me. I think it might be a good night to read through the Psalms a little bit.

There is something very cool happening though. I don't get faith, you know. But here I am, hanging on for dear life (and by that I mean, God's holding me or I would've fallen by now), and I can't stop believing.

I tried to imagine what it would be like if I walked away right now, and I can't. I know it's because I won't. I'm incapable because He lives in me. Which makes Him real. I belong to a Great GOD who SAVES.

My doubt all began at a church that made me question whether or not I had the Holy Spirit. I almost lost my faith that weekend. I don't need God to prove Himself to me by letting me speak in tongues, which I could do if He wanted me to, or by showing me to prophecy, which I could also do if it were His will. I've got the Spirit, I think.

This is so weird. I don't know what else to say - this should sum it up:

1. I don't know if God exists.
2. Apparently, I do, because I can't walk away.
3. God's bigger than my doubt, but if He doesn't exist, then what?
4. But He must.
5. Do I have the Spirit?
6. I hope so - but I don't know. But then again, I don't know if God exists.
7. He does. And the Bible says that I've got His Spirit. And when He gets me through this, however long it takes, I will have even stronger faith.
8. Time to move mountains.
9. God exists.

So... Basically, God exists. God exists. He is the Way. He is truth and love. Without God, there is no love. Right?

It'll end soon enough.

Indescribable Presentation was even more amazing than I remembered! God is so amazing!

I'm also really excited for the sunrise service. The other day, Bible Study brought me to verses like Mark 1:35, Pslam 5:3 and Isaiah 50:4-5, and I can't help but think of how lazy we are. People in Jesus' time and before got up before their days started to spend time with God. And here we are trying to fit Him into our daily lives. Does that make sense?

I want to try something, try putting more effort into God. He died for me. Why am I so lazy?

Blessed

For the last two weeks, I have battling very serious doubt. It was rooted in several kinds of doubt, from the 'does God even exist' type, to 'how do I know that Mormons/JWs aren't right' type, to 'does this count if I'm not of Jewish heritage?' I was preparing to endure for as long as it would take.

Yesterday I was at a College and Career worship cafe, and I don't even know where it came from. I was just singing - and I felt healed. I felt assured. I'd been praying, like that guy from Mark ('Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief!' guy), and I was so scared. Last night, it went [mostly] away. I am so blessed! God is faithful to protect us.

How I long to have child-like faith.

The service last night was great - talking about bringing God glory and letting Him be our shield. Our C&C intern was reminding us that God is like a shield - and the shield doesn't prevent us from feeling the impact of the attack. Because of God's shield like protection, we remain safe. It also didn't really occur to me that He never gives us more than we can handle! I know that doubt will probably return again on this path, but God will show me how to and help me to overcome it!

It's so wonderful, I had been praying before last night's service that I would hear Him and know His love during this time, and He was so faithful to answer. I'm trying to seek Him with my whole heart - there's nothing I want more than to know Him. I want to bring Him glory; I want to see Him glorified. I want to worship my God, the GREAT GOD WHO SAVES, forever.

Lent has been plucking along. I have learned something about myself since Lent began - I have a serious problem with gluttony. I will overcome it through He who gives me Strength. So now that this has been revealed to me, I wonder what actions to take? I've been doing a study on self control through the Fruit of the Spirit study, and I am certain that my God is bigger than this problem! However, since realizing this, it's as if I've said "okay, my season of giving up everything detrimental is over" and I've been stumbling along through Lent. It feels like I'm only partially participating. How do I change this? I'll pray about it. I want to do this!

This morning at church, I was asking God about where I've got idols and what I need to be giving to Him. I've always been (and still am) very jealous of those people who say 'I really feel God put this on my heart' and seem to know Him more than I do. The only reason for this is me, I need to turn to Him further. I want to submerge myself into the word and into a stronger prayer life. This is the most important relationship I will ever have - and right now I'm not treating it like it is. So this morning I realized that I have made an idol out of marriage. So how does one treat their idols? I mean, how do you cast one out? Pray?

My God will come through – He is strong and mighty to save!!! I am so blessed, and I realized this today looking around a room of my [church] family. I am so joyful, and this in itself is a great blessing from the Great King.

I’m so excited: a friend and I are planning a sunrise service for two weeks from now, and it’s going to be so fun. Not only will I be with my [church] family, I will be worshipping the God I love while the sun comes up. I’m pretty sure this is mentioned in the Bible more than once, and I’ve always wanted to try it. I’m really looking forward to hearing from God that morning.

I need to make sure this isn’t about me – just blogging about it now is bringing forth a blunt realization that I am in some way making this about me, how I will feel while worshipping in front of the rising sun. I’ll pray about it.

Today, I want to watch Indescribable Presentation. I have seen it before and I LOVE it. I was so moved the first time I watched it, and my faith grew. This will probably be really healthy for me right now. Have any of you seen it?

Avoiding Annoying non-Applicatory Fruit

So, the title is from Andrew... except for the non-applicatory bit. So... thanks, Andrew! Amazing how well he hit the title on the head without even knowing what my entry was about... haha, just in an order that doesn't make so much sense!

Recently, I've been reading about self control - or at least, that's the chapter I started last night from the Fruit of the Spirit Bible Study. The author, Beth Moore (I tooootally recommend checking out one of her Bible studies if you've never done one - she is very insightful! God has shone a lot of light on a lot of my situations through her.), pointed out a proverb about a man with no self control being like a city with no walls. The study was all about the walls we need to let God build for protection - the walls are equivalent to self control.

So cool!

I finally got to thinking about where I need self control in my life, and a list of 3 things turned into a list of at least 10.

Something else that stood out to me yesterday was Philippians 4:8. As a chronic daydreamer (oh, that's not a real condition, in case you were curious), God challenged me yesterday with these words! Sure, fine, daydream, right? Well, as long as what I'm daydreaming about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. Ho-lay! Not as easy as I thought. Luckily, God supplies a means of doing this. How seriously I must seek out this means...

I don't know what else to say. I've been so curious as to what makes a blog interesting. I only read a few blogs regularly, one being Jonathon Acuff's Stuff Christians Like at http://stuffchristianslike.net/. His is hilarious, and true, and so applicatory to me. Applicatory is not a word. Regardless, how do I make my blog interesting? Why am I even blogging in the first place? Is this bringing glory to God?

I'm blogging because I love to write - but then why do I want people to read it so badly?

I think this might be a pride thing. I am indeed very proud of my ability to write, and my ability to put ideas out there. This is a problem, as pride is not glorifying to God at all! So how can I avoid making this about me, and make it about glorifying the Great King?

Another thing is one of my love languages (even though I have troubles receiving it) is words of affirmation - why am I trying to get love from people reading my blog!?

What is wrong with me? What do I need to do differently?

Why do you (or don't you) blog?

March Already?

I'm writing this entry, though I have nothing to say. After watching Julie & Julia (which was very good!) I was inspired to continue to blog - maybe one day people will really read this! Is there anyone out there reading this?

So, maybe I'll just summarize what's been going on in my life. I think last time I talked, I was writing about how lonely I had been feeling. This is getting better - perhaps when I wrote that I was in a very 'sorry for myself' kind of mood.

Lately, I have felt very under the weather - and I'm not referring to personal health. It's more spiritual. I mean, I'm tired, confused, burnt out. It's very confusing, because I don't know what's wrong at all. Funny, every time I say this, my mind says "then why aren't you praying about it?" So, I clearly need to pray about this. I've just been down, and I'm not sure where it's coming from. Now, I've said it, in front of all who read this (whoever that may be...) that I need to pray about this. I'll be sure to update on how that goes.

I have been very homesick, but today I received a care package from a dear friend of mine. It pretty much made my day - Seannerd does know how to make me smile!

I am so blessed to have so many caring and wonderful people in my life. To be totally fair, I've never had to 'just rely on God.' I've always had someone to talk with, to ask for prayer from, and to receive hugs from. I have been very blessed to always have some form of community. Now that I'm really thinking about it, God really pours out love on me through so many people. I am so lucky! At the same time, I need to seek after God more.

As reading lately, submerging myself into His Word will only bring good things into my life. This is a new challenge for me, and so far - pretty much pathetic. I maybe spend 20 minutes - at the max - everyday reading my Bible. So not only must my prayer life abound, but I must also soak myself in the Bible. This means that I need to spend less time on less important things. The first thing that comes to mind is Facebook.

My best friend Janelle doesn't have Facebook - and she made it through the whole Old Testament in the fall semester. This is so inspiring. So here is another thing I am going to change, right here in front of my (unknown) readers: I am going to spend 20 minutes a day on Facebook for all of this week, starting tomorrow. It will probably look like 10 mins in the morning and 1o mins in the evening. In the time I would normally spend doing nothing on Facebook, I will seek God through His Word and through prayer. Now I'm excited about this! I'll be sure to let you know how this goes.

I've been listening to some new music, Relient K being on the list of bands I've been checking out. I'm really enjoying two of their songs that I just bought: "High of 75" and "I So Hate Consequences." They both seem pretty fitting for my life right now, and the music is very stoking.

I am so thrilled, as my best earthly friend Dean (my pretend twin brother) is coming to visit next week. Oh, how I look forward to a hug from him!

That's pretty much a summary of what I'm up to lately. I'm thinking of dropping LBS because I'm not feeling challenged, and a friend and I are thinking of setting up some kind of small group/Bible Study for the next few weeks. I'm almost finished Fruit of the Spirit (final week now), and I'll be starting either "Becoming a Woman of Prayer" or "Pleasing God." I haven't decided yet. I also need to start serving - I'm not sure how. Must pray.

Goodnight - whoever you are.

Anyone?