Fruit: Forbidden & Free

I know, it's been ages since I wrote.

Welcome Harbour has been a total blessing. It's been amazing to be in such easy, undistracted communication with God, and to be surrounded by sisters and brothers in the faith. I have a sense of big things happening during the circumcision of my heart that I've been praying for. So far, I've been challenged to trust God more. I also know that I'm going to have to deal with some fears this summer.

I've also been discovering that I don't have a servant's heart - I am selfish and so quick to serve myself. I'm praying for God's help in seeking Him!

Something I was thinking about today: what do you think the connection between fruit is in the bible?

I mean, in the beginning, we ate the forbidden fruit. And now, when we accept Jesus we receive the Spirit, which comes with a whole new list of FRUITS that are free! (Galatians 5:22-23). I wonder the significance here? Forbidden becomes free?

Anyways, I really need to get to bed. I'll hopefully have time to blog again before I leave on Tuesday! Night!

Trying to Fly

I am leaving for Welcome Harbour tomorrow, and I am very excited!

I'm excited for going on our own schedules, for spending time with my closest of friends, and for growing closer to God.

The latter is, of course, the one I'm the most excited about. I am so terrible. I need to be closer, and I know this and should be making the effort now. But somehow, I'm not.

This morning my mother and I got into a huge fight before I left for church, over something that wasn't anything. I got to church, and began to worship.

It was empty, and I felt God saying "Oh, now you'd like to worship me. You weren't worshiping me in your relationship with your mom this morning..."

I needed to ask for forgiveness, both from God and from my mom. But I think my whole life is like this. I'm so good at church. I listen and take notes, I have my hands in the air. I read my bible. It's so easy to do while I'm there, but I don't live like that all of the time.

And even though I know these things, nothing changes.

Heartbreaks in the Maydays

I am sending many mayday calls to God this week, as my heartbreak over my best friend worsens and worsens.

I am so hurt. I just want to know why he's ignoring me. I can't work with him just ignoring me. After many heart to hearts with many important people, I know that I should be just waiting. But I can't. I just can't stop texting and calling my very best friend. I love him to pieces. He is my brother. Other than Jesus, there is nobody that I love as much as I love Dean. This is so hard.

I wouldn't be getting through this if it weren't for Jesus. I want Him to have glory in this.

Not only does God keep telling me that He's gone through this even worse, He keeps telling me to seek Him. And it's all I want to do. But how? And why don't I?

I totally blog about this all the time. I need to seek God, I need to be near God. But when do I ever put any effort into it?

And what holds me back? Let me tell you what I did today. Today, I went to boot camp, sat around on facebook, watched 8-9 episodes of the Office. I watched more tv. I mowed the lawn a little bit. I screwed up on a couple things, and asked forgiveness. I hung out with 2 of my girls. And now I'm blogging, barely able to keep my eyes open. Where is there God time in there? I need to be deliberate. I need to show with all of me, not just my words, that Jesus deserves everything I've got. I have been doing the little things with Him, just finding myself in prayer randomly, but nothing like it should be.

I've been slightly improving since being home for the summer, but with all of my free time I should be spending a thousands times more than what I am.

My heart aches. It is broken, and this is a pain I have never experienced before. I know that I don't go through it alone, and that God is near me now during this time.

What would you do?

Turning In

Today I was out for a run, and I suddenly noticed my heart was totally in a state of worship. It was really amazing, and I've never realized how beautiful the trail that I used to run every Thursday after chemistry was. God's creation is so amazing, and sometimes I wonder how I can ever stay in one place while there is still SO much of His creation left to see!

Dean is still ignoring me. It hurts so much, and I just don't know how to handle it. It is really comforting to know that God knows how I feel. I've been thinking about Hosea 2:13 where it says:

"'she went after her lovers, but me she forgot,' Declares the LORD".

I know that I live this way so often. I don't want to hurt God like that anymore. I want to live for Him in every minute of my life. Sometimes this means giving up little things, like a TV show that doesn't bring Him glory. Sometimes, it means giving up bigger things, like a friendship that drags you away from God's purpose. I'm thinking about denying myself. Wow, and here I thought I didn't have anything to blog about today! I feel like I have lots to think about too.

I'm so excited to spend my next 2 months at Welcome Harbour. I feel like my soul is going to be so very healthy after this summer. I just wanna live for Him, and grow closer to Him. I want my faith to be stronger after this summer.

I want to see God this summer.