Heartbreaks in the Maydays

I am sending many mayday calls to God this week, as my heartbreak over my best friend worsens and worsens.

I am so hurt. I just want to know why he's ignoring me. I can't work with him just ignoring me. After many heart to hearts with many important people, I know that I should be just waiting. But I can't. I just can't stop texting and calling my very best friend. I love him to pieces. He is my brother. Other than Jesus, there is nobody that I love as much as I love Dean. This is so hard.

I wouldn't be getting through this if it weren't for Jesus. I want Him to have glory in this.

Not only does God keep telling me that He's gone through this even worse, He keeps telling me to seek Him. And it's all I want to do. But how? And why don't I?

I totally blog about this all the time. I need to seek God, I need to be near God. But when do I ever put any effort into it?

And what holds me back? Let me tell you what I did today. Today, I went to boot camp, sat around on facebook, watched 8-9 episodes of the Office. I watched more tv. I mowed the lawn a little bit. I screwed up on a couple things, and asked forgiveness. I hung out with 2 of my girls. And now I'm blogging, barely able to keep my eyes open. Where is there God time in there? I need to be deliberate. I need to show with all of me, not just my words, that Jesus deserves everything I've got. I have been doing the little things with Him, just finding myself in prayer randomly, but nothing like it should be.

I've been slightly improving since being home for the summer, but with all of my free time I should be spending a thousands times more than what I am.

My heart aches. It is broken, and this is a pain I have never experienced before. I know that I don't go through it alone, and that God is near me now during this time.

What would you do?