Thursday, April 29, 2010

It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Oh, man. I feel like I'm getting a sense of God's heartbreak. Let me explain.
My very, very best friend is a guy who I call my twin brother. Even though Dean and I only met just over a year ago, we are extremely tight. He's the only person that I know like the back of my hand. We've had a few kinda rough times, but as he likes to say, I'm "stuck with him." I love him to pieces, but right now he's breaking my heart.

A few weeks ago, Dean was the lead in his high school's musical, so he was too busy to keep up the texting and talking. Suddenly, he was altogether ignoring me. I was starting to really worry, and he wasn't replying to any of my texts. I texted him from my friend's phone, and he responded right away. I told him it was me, and then he ignored me again!

He's still ignoring me. It's so painful. And while I was praying about it, I felt like God was kinda just raising His Heavenly Eyebrows, in a sort of "I go through that daily, and tenfold" way. I realized that this must be similar to what God feels when we ignore Him, when we take our road instead of His.

Plus, God's heartbreak is a billion times larger than mine. If my heart is hurting this badly over my brother pushing me out of his life, I don't even comprehend how much it must hurt a Father who loves us so when most of the world, followers and non-followers, push Him away. How sorry I feel for all of the times I've done that to God.

This reminds me of Genesis 6:6 The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Compilation

Wow, it has been a long time since I've sat down and really blogged. But that's the plan for tonight!

Today, I finished the first quarter of my undergraduate degree in Psychology. While it does seem a little bit exciting, I'm still very nervous about not knowing what God's plans are for my life. Luckily, my summer plans involve soul-growing more than anything else. I just want to grow towards Him.

Sadly, I've been very terrible at focusing on God lately. It's been the most frustrating thing. I think some of it is from exams and studying and trying to say good bye to my family here, but some of it is very strange. Example: during worship, I'm really distracted, and it wasn't until Sunday night that I could get into it. Another example? I can't pray very easily right now. It's just hard to concentrate. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I can pray for safety and focus. It'll come.

I've also been really bad at putting time into God. It's hard, because I still sometimes wonder about His existence. It's ridiculous, because I know I'll never walk away, but it's also really frustrating. Is it attack, or is it me?

I'm going to find out so much this summer, I just know that I'm going to be growing like a weed. But a good weed, you know?

I swear, I had something really good to blog about tonight, but now I can't remember. Even with my exams being done, my to-do list is brimming with distracting things that I NEED to finish before I leave Wednesday morning.

I'll hopefully have something worth reading soon, once I'm not so busy!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Do You Love Me Enough?

Guys, I know it's been forever. And it's not that I don't have anything to talk about! I've been so busy, with finals and making life decisions.
I'm trying to stay in Edmonton for the summer. This would be a lot easier if my best friend wasn't asking me to choose between her and here. This is a hard struggle. All the same, I'm trying to seek God's will. Which reminds me, I really need to spend some time with Him before bed tonight. Which is pretty soon.
I've been thinking. On Sunday (yesterday...) I heard two sermons about earthly belongings, essentially. What occurred to me was that I don't struggle with belongings, money, etc. I struggle with people.
For me, fitting in has always been the most important thing on my to do list. The more people I felt close with, the more important and valuable I felt. I need to somehow search for my value in Christ, right? But what does that look like!?
I hope that wherever this summer takes me, I can hear the answer to this and my many, many other questions.
I hope that I can grow in Christ a lot this summer, cutting ties with the things that distract me and drag me away from Him.
This is probably a lot of babbling garbage to you, but I'm very concerned with everything right now. I need to figure stuff out. I need to see the truth.
Of course, His word is the Lamp to my feet. I should go read it. Night!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Doors so Closed

Oh, life is beautiful!

I cannot really explain it, because I think it's mostly supposed to stay between me and God, but as of Sunday, I really, really want to date God. And just everything is so encouraging and uplifting. He is amazing.

I'm amazed at what happened, though I still hardly know what it was.

Also, I'm still struggling with setting time out. I think it's time to start getting up early again for devotionals.

I think next year has a lot in store, though I'm not so sure of what it is. I know that for one thing, I've been talking about going on a missions trip next summer with some of my [church] family. I'm thrilled about that. God's got plans to grow me, I think!

I wish I had some epic thought to share, but I don't. I just wanted to update everyone and say that my life is beautiful, and I am so blessed.

Hopefully I'll have something worthwhile to say soon!

I'm also bald, by the way.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Married

I have heard from people that "admitting we have a problem is the first step." And yet, I always feel like admitting it does nothing. I don't know where the second step is. But I guess I'll come out today and honestly admit something that I am struggling with.

It kinda comes with a story.

A few months ago, I realized (I don't want to say "God told me," but He kinda did. I think...) that I'm supposed to be single for awhile. I thought it would be about a year, and I was chill with it because I wasn't interested in anyone at the time. I knew that there were good reasons to it and that God wanted me to grow in Him, but it wasn't a big deal to me.

After the Christmas holidays, I came back and met a wonderful guy. I fell for him almost instantly, and we started hanging out on a friendlier level in no time. We had the "more than friends" talk, and agreed to fast from each other for a week to seek God's face on it.

I don't know what happened. I do know that God showed me that I wasn't allowed to date him, but I wanted it so badly that I blamed my uneasy feelings on other things. I do know that I should have said no when he asked me out. I don't know why this man didn't hear the same things from God; this was very unnerving. I do know why I said yes: I wanted to be loved.

Dating him was fun, warming and exciting. He is a great guy! But the feelings of not being at peace, of knowing something was off didn't go away. God gave me sign after sign that I needed to wait, but I didn't. I realized a few weeks into our relationship that the feelings weren't going to go away. So I broke up with the guy, and broke my heart.

Why am I telling you this? Oh, I don't know. I think it's that I was looking for the fulfilling love of a husband, the kind that I need to know from God first, in this man. I do it in almost all of my relationships. I don't think it's that I don't believe that God loves me. I mean, I don't know very much. This probably isn't making very much sense, but I am getting to the point, soon!

So, I'm doing this dating God thing. Then, a few days ago, I learned that it's gonna be longer than a year, and while this is right, it hurt. Actually it stings. So here comes my confession.

I don't want to date God.

I mean, I do. I want to want it, is more like it. But I don't want it like I should. I don't feel that fulfillment and contentment in God. I am almost positive that this is the purpose for my singleness, along with other things perhaps, but I don't know where to begin looking for it. It sounds so horrible to say that, but it's honest. My prayers tonight were laced with phrases that asked God to make me want to date Him. More.

I don't know if any of this made sense. This is just what I'm going through right now, and it's no big deal. I know that in the end, I'll be so in love with God that I can't see straight! :) But this is what's up with me, and I'm looking for answers.

Most of all, I'm really looking for God. With my heart. And I know that I'm gonna find Him.

He is my husband.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Rediscover You by Starfield

A great song!

I need to just admit
my faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out
On religion

I say an empty prayer
I sing a tired song
I need to just admit that the passion's gone

And I want to get it back

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

I want to learn to pray
The way that David prayed
I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name
I want to feel like new
I want to hunger for you
Bring me back to life like only You can do
Cause I don't want to stay the same

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

Lord, I want to be Yours today
I want to know the passion of the saints
And how they were changed

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move

I want to burn for You
Bring me back to life, Jesus
Help me rediscover You