weird & surprising

Something I never thought I'd pray for is a release of emotions.

Some stuff has happened lately, and as I choose God more and more, I feel all these emotions inside just being walled in. I'm scared of that, but for some reason I cannot seem to let them free.

Doesn't sound like me at all, right?

I don't know what's going on. I want to cry, but I can't! I want to feel joy, but I can't! I want to be able to talk out these feelings, but I can't! Except it's more than just that - I feel all of these things like they're under my skin. It's as though I don't explicitly feel them, but I know they're there.

I need to feel these things to be healed and to let God have more of my heart! all of my heart! but I can't seem to figure out what's wrong. This is never a problem I've had! I'm always the first to cry - but I can't seem to cry at all.

praying for tears. very weird.

Private or Public?

Yesterday, Beth Moore kicked my butt again.

"Is your faith more passionate in public, or in your private life?"

...ouch.

I think that's a big item in our walks. Comes back to Jesus reminding us not to let our left hand know what our right hand is doing (Matt 6:3). But it's hard.

Why is it hard for me?

(1) I have troubles receiving encouragement from God. I have trouble receiving His pleasure in me. All I see is sin. But in God's eyes, forgiven sin is behind us. So I shouldn't struggle this way. But I do!

(2) I'm lazy. I was recently struck by something the skit guys said (God to Tommy): "you're really lazy, but you pretend to be really, really busy." man, that hits home! I'm too busy for my prayer life sometimes. I'm too busy to do things God's way sometimes. I'm too busy to serve someone else sometimes. It's dangerous. I'm ashamed that I struggle there.

(3) I need other people to think. That sounds dumb, I know! But I think it's part of the way I was created. I feel things well on my own. But when it comes down to thinking, I need someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to guide my thinking. I wonder how to let God be that someone!

Any ideas?

a kind of really big deal

I have an announcement. It's a huge deal. Massive. Life changing.

I've been thinking this off and on for awhile, but it never occurred to me that it was real.

I'm not doing this on any timeline but God's time. It's just that today, I suddenly know for sure something that changes everything.

Today, I was sitting in class and I was thinking about something that's come to mind often recently.

"I don't have any passions. What am I even interested in? I'm not called to anything. I have no life dreams! Who the crap am I!?!?!"

and then a few things that I know are true came to mind:

(1) I am a daughter of the Lord

(2) I love people

(3) I have a heart for seeing Christians have more freedom in Christ.

then,

"Wait. I DO have a passion. Only one. But it's big enough that I wouldn't have room to have others.."

Jesus is my love. My faith is my passion. God is my desire.

Today, I learned what this means. I don't know how, but I suddenly just got it. I don't feel called to any specific thing yet, but this I know for sure:

I'm called to full time ministry.

I love...

(a list of things I love to help combat a sad + grumpy day - in no particular order.. except the first two!)

1. Jesus! (and the Father, and the Spirit).

2. my cat.

3. 2 Timothy 2:13 (thanks Ben!)

4. McKernan Baptist Church!

5. Fair Trade Certified

6. laughter

7. kids' movies. especially How to Train Your Dragon and Rio.

8. Courageous

9. yogurt

10. peanut butter

11. friends

12. late nights

13. dubstep

14. making cookies

15. eating cookies

16. Toms.

17. Make Poverty History

18. David Crowder Band

19. downhere

20. prayer

21. rest (Matthew 11:28)

22. my small group

23. clean teeth

24. a really big cup of Library tea with milk and honey.

25. tea in general

26. sunsets + sunrises

27. long weekends

28. genuine love

29. tigers

30. creation

31. the bible

32. mandarin oranges

33. big hugs from good friends

34. goldfish!

35. warm blankets

36. sleep

37. feeling the movement of the Spirit

38. green + orange

39. cheese!!!

40. smiling + getting other people to smile!

grab me by the hand

Forgiveness is a most magical thing. So much freedom in forgiving someone, so much freedom in being forgiven.

Forgiving BH has been incredible. Though my heart is still broken, it's no longer incapacitating. It's beautiful because it was better almost instantly after forgiving him.

Why are we so slow to forgive if THIS is the outcome?

And God is always so quick to forgive. God doesn't need extra time to think about things and cool down. You ask for His forgiveness, you receive His forgiveness. It sets you free.

I'm kind of in awe of the last few weeks of my life. I've gone from awful to wonderful in such a short time that it can only be a God thing. God heals. The Lord is my Healer.

I'm longing to encounter Him in a real way right now. To hear His voice, to feel His touch, to know His love.

Last night at small group, we were talking about prayer as God's invitation to us. Every time I go to prayer, it is Christ knocking at my heart that initiates it. Every time I call to Him in fear, in tears, in joy, in loneliness, in suffering - in any circumstance - it is the Lord reminding me that He is right there and that He is not going to let me go. Ever. (Deut. 31:6). Though I had already come across this concept before, it's no less amazing to me now. God wants to hear from me.

I feel so content and so joyful. I still have a long way to go to mental/spiritual health, but I have no doubt that God can take me there. God WILL take me there.

PS - there is a baby in my church that needs a liver transplant in an absolutely crucial way right now. Her name is Daphne. My small group is praying for a miracle. Please pray.

for BH

Dear BH,

I'm writing you this letter and posting it on my blog because this way it's very unlikely that you will see it - but I believe that if you're meant to read it, you will.

Where to start, where to start? I saw you today. I want you to know that I'm still so attracted to you, but you also still make me cry. I'm still a mess and it's been three or four months now.

Out of everything I'm going to tell you now, what I want you to know the most is this:

I'm most angry because my life got torn apart, but yours didn't. You're perfectly fine and I know that. And I think it's unfair.

Lucky for both of us, we aren't the ones who decide what fair is. Thank God for grace.

BH, you broke my heart. And I don't mean you put a little hairline fracture in me. I mean, you BROKE me. I ask God regularly why you were allowed to do so, and He tells me it's because I gave you my heart in the first place.

Sometimes, I sit in lectures and my eyes fill with tears because I think about how you lied to me and I have to get up and leave. I have a hard time being alone because I just start reflecting on how things felt and things you said and it distracts me from just about anything else.

You blamed me at first. While I know you changed that around afterwards, it's stuck with me a lot. I still feel like it's my fault. I still feel like I blew the only chance I'd ever have with a "godly" man. I still feel like anybody who tells me I'm beautiful is lying.

And as for you being a godly man... I think you really need to reflect on what that means and what God wants from you before you label yourself like that. I know we're all sinners, I know that I have fallen just as short of the Lord as you have, I know you're no worse than I am - but I think that the difference is that you don't seem to try. This is pretty much pure speculation because I'm trying to make heads or tails of how you seem to be so much more okay than I am.

Out of all of the things you said to me, the one that hurt the most was when you used God's apparent calling to the priesthood as an excuse for why you couldn't date me. It seems legit on the surface, but if you look a little deeper, making out with me and refusing to date me was, I think, less priestly. And let's not forget that you started dating someone a few days later.

I want to say that I'm sorry for sinning against you - I know that it takes two to tango and I should not put all of the blame on you. I believe for the actions that occured between us, we are equally to blame.

So out of all of this, what do I want to conclude with?

You broke my heart, BH. You have diminished my hope that a godly man is worth waiting for. You have also made me feel like no man will ever love me, and that I am just some desperate fat girl to use while you're in between people who will have sex with you. I know that's mean, and I'm just trying to get out how I'm feeling. I'm sorry. I guess I take some of that back. But I still think you used me, and I still feel like nobody will ever truly romantically love me.

However, I want to forgive you. Because Jesus said to. Because He loves you and says you're worth forgiving. That I'm worth forgiving. We are both God's children. I hope you can sort things out with Him before you find yourself on a very terrible path. I mean that honestly.

So I forgive you for sinning against me. I forgive you for lying to me. I forgive you for using me. I'm trying to forgive you for breaking my heart. I'm not sure how to do it, so I'm just going to say I forgive you over and over until it's true. God forgives you. I forgive you.

Ultimately, it is not my job to hope that you can experience this kind of hurt. It is not my job to decide what's just. As my pastor always says, I'm putting you on God's hook and taking you off of mine.

Tonight when I was expressing my anger towards you, my best friend suggested that in those times of anger, I need to pray for you. So I'm going to start doing that. I don't want to be angry with you any more. I want to move on, to be healed. To let God heal me.

I hope that you will stop looking for that love you long for in girls, BH. You know it comes from the Lord. Don't give up.

Robin.

victory

You may have noticed that the headline under the title of my blog is "God is my victory and He is Here". It's a line from a hillsong song "Desert Song" that I love very much. That line always stood out to me a lot in worship - God has already won my battle. God is king of everything. God is my way to victory in every little battle against evil, and God is ALWAYS with me (Hebrews 13:5).

My last post not only spiked a lot of encouragement from the household of God (yup, that's you, church family (1 Timothy 3:15)), but also a lot of prayer. And let me tell you, victory has never been closer. While I still have baggage to sort through and hand to God (not sure what that looks like yet), I also feel encouraged. I feel strong. I can take this on. I mean really, I can do ANYTHING through Him who gives me strength (phil 4:13).

Let me tell you what I know - this comes from a Bible Study I just finished through Beth Moore called "Believing God"

God is who He says He is

God can do what He says He can do

I am who God says I am

I can do all things through Christ

God's word is alive and active in me

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm believing God. No matter what it takes. God will get me through. God will take me full circle (to my Gilgal). And one day, my theology WILL meet my reality. I'm not afraid. I'm praying for the Holy Spirit to take control of me.

I'm believing God.

the real me

It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I think this is gonna be another post where I try to be honest about what I'm struggling with. I've been avoiding blogging about this issue for a long, long time because it's insanely personal and insanely hard for me to deal with. But right now, God seems to very much be pointing at this issue, using everything in my life. But I'm scared to talk about it. I know I've touched on it in a billion posts, but here it is. This is the most real I can ever imagine myself being in writing.

I'm unwanted.

Now I know that's not entirely true, but it's how I feel. I think I'm ugly, both physically and as a person. I'm fake. I'm scared to admit this. To write this all down. But it's the truth.

I always feel not good enough, adding to how unwanted I feel.

I know that God wants me. But I still don't feel like God wants me.

I sometimes feel like I can't look in the mirror, because I hate who I see. I hate that the girl in the mirror is a fake: she struggles with her faith like it's too big to carry, and she goes to all of wrong places for love - and to make matters worse, she tells others that it's wrong for them to do the same. I hate that she's ugly. I hate that she longs for compliments - how desperate is she? I hate that she has no major dreams. I hate that she doesn't have a drive or any ideas of her purpose. I hate that she can't stick to her prayer life. I hate that she regularly finds the bible boring and rushes through her devotions.

I hate her. And she feels like everyone else does too.

What do I do?

being real?

Lately, I've been struggling so much to be real. I was walking with God the other day, and I was real with him just for a few minutes, and I knew He was happy with me. Even if it was only a few seconds. But it's so hard, and I'm not sure how to do it.

Lately, I'm trying so hard to follow God in obedience and with the way I spend my time. But it's been so difficult. I feel like God's not happy with my attempts and no matter what I do, He's not pleased. Lately, I've been praying through 2 Timothy 1:7 which says "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and self control [discipline]"

I feel like lately my spirit hasn't been of any of those things.

I'm really identifying (lately) how much I want to be close to other people, which is new for me. I typically don't mind carrying other's burdens, but mine I hate sharing. But lately I'm longing to be cared for. And I'm noticing that I keep going to different means of false comfort for that. I know I should be going to God, but WHY does that always seem so difficult? I know that this confusing, bumpy road is not too long - the other day, I got the feeling that I'm getting close to a breakthrough. Tomorrow is my day off, and I'd like to spend a couple hours with God to relax and celebrate that I am His. I am indeed His.

For others to see that I am His, I need to be real. And I think it needs to start with me being real with both myself and especially with God. And I saw that happen for the first time the other day. But it's difficult. And I'm not sure how to achieve it.

Holy Spirit, make me real. Break my heart of stone!

Sometimes

this is how today feels.

Sometimes - David Crowder Band

Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes

When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
‘Til we’re rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
Sometimes

Sometimes
It’s like we’ll never atone
For all the love we’ve known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel it come
And that feeling’s gone
It flies

When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
Feel it rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid
Don’t be afraid
Just set your sail

And risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there's only grace

Giving it Up

So, today begins Lent. And quite a strange season I am found in this Lent! I decided to give up Facebook, #1. Since you don't have to fast on Sundays, I've decided to be allowed to check it for 10 minutes on Sundays. The problem is not Facebook, the problem is that I spend more time on face than in prayer. So there's that. I'm also going to be reading through Romans 12 prayerfully every morning. There's a couple other smaller things I'm doing, but then there's a bigger one.

I've liked the same guy since September. It's starting to get ridiculous, I'm insane about him. So I decided to give him up for Lent. Basically, this doesn't mean I don't spend friends time with him, but it means every time I think of him or daydream or feel sad that he doesn't like me back, I'm going to pray for him, and ask God to redirect my feelings to Him.

I hope it works out.

2 Corinthians 10:5b - Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

PS - in relation to my last post... I started further! I gave my testimony at our C&C last weekend. It wasn't THAT hard. Actually, it feels kind of nice to know that everyone knows my heart now, and where I'm coming from. I'm somewhat relieved. In other (more serious) news, I gave my best friend M my full testimony - the one with the part you just don't share in a group setting. It was really hard. But again, it's relieving to have her know, you know?

Starting

Sometimes I just can't believe.

It's brutally honest, and I'm scared of that. Sometimes I really struggle with doubt. Now, I know I've complained about this before on here, but lately lecture material in psychology is getting brutally secular. I will believe. No matter what.

But it is hard.

Yet, regardless of how difficult the oppression can be, God still lavishly pours out His love on me. I can't believe how hopeful I feel right now, when everything seems amiss. I know it'll be okay. I know it. I need the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up, and I know He will. Well, we'll hope. I'll know by my Fruit, right?

I'm trying to let the walls down. Tonight after bible study, two friends stayed behind to ask me what was going on in my heart, and I started telling them. I didn't get too far in, and I had to keep telling them to back off because it's too much for me - but I let them (part way) in. It was hard and scary, but I started to talk about daddy issues and guarded heart issues. I stopped talking before I started crying, but the point is that it began. I started.

So, even in all of the messy doubts and fears I'm being restrained by, I'm starting. Starting to let God do something. Oh my.

I have hope.

Inside the Temple

I feel I'm on the brink of something large.

Breakforth was incredible! God spoke to me through so many people, over and over again. He is so good!

One session I went to was talking about Hearing God's Voice. Brad Jersak was reading through Exodus 33:7-11, and this tent of the meeting, though I'd heard of it before, was kind of a new concept to me. The Israelites had their temple, but God wanted to be closer. It says "The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend." That's amazing. And then it all came into place; when God made our heart's His temple, it was more like a tent of meeting. Where we can go, and be face-t0-face with God.

Except, it's kind of messy, because I can sort of go in - but ONLY when I'm praying for others. And I can only see Jesus' body, I can't see past His shoulders. And when I pray for myself, I can't even get into the temple. I can't.

I know it's me. I know God's welcoming me, calling me, and excited to see me, but I can't manage to go in the door. I'm scared, I guess! God's been asking me to deal with a lot of things lately, and though I've now recognized that they exist, I don't even know where to start.

During a worship session at Breakforth, one of my friends drew a picture, and said that God had told her to give it to me. It's of Jesus handing a girl (me?) a flower. The next morning in an intercessory workshop, God told me that I couldn't have the flower until I let go of what I was holding. Funny, because the preceding morning He told me that I needed to let go. And people were praying over me, that I'd start trusting God and let go of my control. And let myself be loved.

But I feel like I DO let myself be loved! I know God's been asking me to receive Love, but I don't know how. Last weekend, one of my friend's husbands said to me "Robin, the more you receive Love, the less power fear will have over you." What a word from the Lord! And he didn't even know it.

What do I do? Where do I start?

How do I get inside the Temple?

You Provide the Spirit, So I can Open Up Inside

It's been a strange start to 2011. Though only one month has passed, I feel as though 2010 was forever ago, and like I've gone through too many seasons already this month.

January is a big month. We went on a C&C Retreat out to Nakamun Lake a few weeks ago. During a worship time there, I felt like something was off (wrong, unusual, almost painful!) in my heart, and I asked God what was going on. As I reflected on the lyrics I was singing, His "voice" came to my heart and told me that I didn't believe that He loved me.

Our speaker had us go through a list of affirmations from the bible that apply to all believers. I felt like challenging what God told me, so I decided to circle the ones I believed (by believe, I mean a core belief that extends deep into my heart, not just a surface 'yes'). I believed 3 of the 30-something affirmations that were there. Wow, right?

I don't even know where to start "believing God's love." I realize that coming to terms with the fact that I don't believe it is a big step, but I want to fix it so badly! Maybe that's the problem, what I need is to let HIM fix it. Let Him in further. But how? Is there a manual? I don't even know what I'm holding onto that I so badly need to get out of.

And this weekend is Breakforth. I'm really, really hopeful to hear God's voice because it's been a weird couple of weeks. I feel like the oppressor has been dragging me around for a little while now, and I'm weary. I need Christ.

I'll hopefully have some time to write next week, hopefully a more joyful post on what's going on.

Until then.