Thursday, June 27, 2013

easily influenced

This post may be hard to understand. It might have mistakes. It might not make any sense at all. Just know that this is intensely personal and intensely emotional.

I've always been a good at writing... but I've never been very good at putting my most personal thoughts and struggles into words. Sometimes, my reluctance to talk about my most deep struggles is not necessarily a fear of being judged. It's a fear of being influenced.

I'm a person who is easily pushed to believe and feel a certain way - and I mean this from both sides of the spectrum. I am as likely to be swayed by a Christian perspective that I don't necessarily agree with as a cultural one. And I think humans in general are easily influenced, but I feel like I'm easily influenced on steroids.

Over the last several months I have been going through the largest internal struggle of my life so far. Though many have heard fractions of the issue, I have yet to tell anyone the full extent of the struggle. As many of you know, this is really hard for me - I'm very much an extroverted external processor. It's extremely hard for me to work through things on my own. Yet, I have shut out all opinions for months because for once in my life I want to know and understand how I feel about something, not how someone else thinks I should feel about something.

So I've been trying to nail down what I think about this struggle on my own, but it's proving to be exceptionally difficult. I feel like no matter what decision I make, I will be disappointing someone. So, even in my own head, I am still swayed by others.

It feels contradictory: feeling alone, yet overwhelmingly surrounded. I keep telling myself that I'm in control... so why do I never feel like I have control over anything?

The question still comes down to this: who will decide how I live?



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A Precious Reminder

Today I woke up with a thought in my heart. 
Lately, I've been struggling so much with feeling unconfident. I know that this stems from my inability to believe that I'm worth loving, but lately it's been holding me back a lot more than usual. I'm too afraid to take chances or to live freely. But this morning, my heart was filled with hope, and I'd just like to share that here this morning! 
Sometimes we all need a reminder that we are loved.




Monday, June 24, 2013

Turn up the Workout

I've been back from Hawaii for just about a month, and I'd been struggling a lot with getting back to the gym/nutrition routine. I decided to make a new workout playlist to get inspired! Happy running!

taken from Pinterest

June 2013 Workout Playlist

1. Wop - J. Dash ft. Flo Rida
2. Come & Get It - Selena Gomez
3. Ooh La La - Britney Spears
4. Live It Up - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull
5. Tonight I'm Getting Over You - Carly Rae Jepsen
6. The Other Side - Jason Derulo
7. I Love It - Icona Pop


What songs inspire you to get your sweat on?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Purposed

Just thought I'd share a favourite quote with y'all as the weekend comes to an end.



{taken from Pinterest}

PS - Follow me on Pinterest :)

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Bow Down

Today at work I had a grotesque realization about myself.

We always have worship music on at work. I think I was born with a song in my soul, so I constantly sing along without even realizing it! Every so often, the words I'm singing seem to bubble to the surface of my consciousness, and that happened today. I can't even remember what song it was from, but the lyrics were "we bow to You alone, Jesus."

As I sang them, a little voice in my head said the only thing you bow to is fear. And isn't that true!? I'm such a fearful person! I struggle with fear of failure, fear of being unloved, fear of being worthless, fear of being wrong. The list goes on.

When I tell people that I'm fearful, they rarely take me seriously because of my personality. I'm willing to try anything and everything. People seem to equate being fearful with being shy, but that is not always the case.

I remember one time, I was going skydiving (see picture!) with a good friend. As we drove out to the skydive centre, he said that the thing that struck him most about me was how fearless I was. I remember bursting out laughing - "you think I'm fearless!?" I started describing my anxiety disorder to him, and soon he came to realize that I'm not so fearless at all.

So I got to thinking - how can a person overcome to urge to bow to their fears? I think that identifying your fears is probably a good place to start, but I sometimes think that fear is a bigger entity than a worry regarding a specific object or concept. Bigger than a feeling gone wrong.

So how do you overcome fear itself?  I guess that's the direction my journey is headed in next.

Best Friends

I saw this and it made me think of some of the best friends I have. They always put up with me when I'm at my worst - not because of what I can offer at my best, but because they love me no matter what. I hope with all my heart that I can be that kind of friend to my friends too.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

June Goals

I'm really super good at setting goals. I have been since I was quite young - even in elementary school, I was constantly aspiring to improve myself through goal setting.

Following through on my goals? That's another story. I'm a person who loves the start of things... and when things get normal, I get bored. I think the best way to ensure that I meet my goals is to create accountability: by posting my goals on here, I feel some responsibility to ensure that they happen!

So, here are my goals for the next month:

[1] blog more frequently

[2] get my desk/office space sorted out and organized

[3] drink more water (~8 cups a day!)

[4] stick to my budget!

[5] practice storytelling on the blog! This could be a huge disaster... we will see!

[6] start (and finish) one creative project this month!

[7] have an honest and open conversation about what's going on in my heart with at least one person