Herbal Tea and Fiction

Yeah, so if the title doesn't make sense, don't sweat it.

I'm feeling better today, stronger, and though I still feel totally lost, I have hope. I sorta wonder if the only reason that I get out of wack is that I stop spending time with God. And then, as I begin to make Him the focus again, I begin to grow again. It seems like it makes sense, but I get a feeling that it's not that easy.

For while that is true, we are also at war. Living in the middle of the biggest war in history. The war.

And since we're living at war, the last thing I need to be doing is living in an alternate reality.

Not only do I mean tv, books and the like, but my daydreaming problem needs to come to an end. I am bigger than this, for I have God. I think I'm going for healing prayer over this. Apparently, healing prayer is a pretty big deal in Christian circles. I was unaware of this ministry, and now that I'm feeling better, I feel like I don't need it... but could it really hurt?

Anyways, I'm trying to read a bit before bed every night, so I'm going to go. Night!

Oh, Happiness!

I'm going through some weird times.

Lately, I can't concentrate on God, I'm not myself, and I keep choosing the world. It really isn't who I am, but I can't leave it. Or, I'm trying to.

I don't have a lot to say. Last weekend, I went hiking in the Rockies. It was absolutely breathtaking - but I wasn't able to spend much time praising God for it, as I should. What's wrong with me!? I just don't understand. Why can't I fully commit! I seriously just want to give God my whole self, all of me, everything. But why can't I? What's holding me back? Half of the time, I think I have. Then, I realize I'm being called to live for Him, and that I'm not doing it.

Why can't I!?

I just don't understand what's going on. I'm fighting so many of the old enemies, and this time, I want to win in a permanent sense. I cannot win the fight on my own, but I have a king. The king. I know that God is faithful, even when I'm not. He is not dependent on who I am, thank GOD! But I need to live for Him. Fully. I need to give up the world. Fully.

And I need help.

Forgiveness and Guilt

Right when everything starts going right is when I screw up. Always.

For instance, life has really started to turn around. I was growing with God, my prayer life was growing, and I felt like I was on the right path.

Then I get body-checked by a problem I've had for years. I've always wanted to fit in. I've always wanted to be the girl who everyone wants to hang out with. And so last night, with K and G, I got wasted. Not just a little tipsy, but wasted.

And the sad part is, it was really fun. And one of my normal excuses for not drinking is "I'll do something stupid." But the thing is - I didn't do anything that I wouldn't have done sober. Which means I can't use that excuse anymore, even if it is valid.

So regardless, I felt extremely guilty. So I asked for forgiveness from Jesus. And yet, I still feel guilty. What do I do? I mean, I know I have been forgiven, but I still feel so ashamed. This isn't freedom!

Satan does this to us. He knows that we don't see things like God does - we don't see ourselves as blameless. And Satan knows that we don't understand that God DOES see things differently because His LOVE is different. Satan helps us to convince ourselves that we have screwed up our chances with God. Satan shouldn't have any footing here. So let's stop letting him have it.

Growing!

I feel like I'm growing so much right now. I feel so blessed, God is so good. He is reigning in my life. I was thinking today about how easy it is, during good times like these, to forget about our relationship with Him. How easy it is to forget to read Scripture, or spend empty time in prayer. Since moving into my new house, I've had a load of free time on my hands, and I have used most of it by hunting through Facebook or watching almost an entire season's worth of The Office. I'm looking forward to getting my iPod dock back tomorrow, so that I don't have to always have my computer on to listen to music. I want things to change!

I don't have much else to say, I'm sharing because I can? Haha. Maybe I'll share a verse!

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30.

I want to take refuge in God! I want to know Him!