Thursday, February 17, 2011

Starting

Sometimes I just can't believe.
It's brutally honest, and I'm scared of that. Sometimes I really struggle with doubt. Now, I know I've complained about this before on here, but lately lecture material in psychology is getting brutally secular. I will believe. No matter what.
But it is hard.
Yet, regardless of how difficult the oppression can be, God still lavishly pours out His love on me. I can't believe how hopeful I feel right now, when everything seems amiss. I know it'll be okay. I know it. I need the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up, and I know He will. Well, we'll hope. I'll know by my Fruit, right?
I'm trying to let the walls down. Tonight after bible study, two friends stayed behind to ask me what was going on in my heart, and I started telling them. I didn't get too far in, and I had to keep telling them to back off because it's too much for me - but I let them (part way) in. It was hard and scary, but I started to talk about daddy issues and guarded heart issues. I stopped talking before I started crying, but the point is that it began. I started.

So, even in all of the messy doubts and fears I'm being restrained by, I'm starting. Starting to let God do something. Oh my.

I have hope.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Inside the Temple


I feel I'm on the brink of something large.
Breakforth was incredible! God spoke to me through so many people, over and over again. He is so good!
One session I went to was talking about Hearing God's Voice. Brad Jersak was reading through Exodus 33:7-11, and this tent of the meeting, though I'd heard of it before, was kind of a new concept to me. The Israelites had their temple, but God wanted to be closer. It says "The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend." That's amazing. And then it all came into place; when God made our heart's His temple, it was more like a tent of meeting. Where we can go, and be face-t0-face with God.
Except, it's kind of messy, because I can sort of go in - but ONLY when I'm praying for others. And I can only see Jesus' body, I can't see past His shoulders. And when I pray for myself, I can't even get into the temple. I can't.
I know it's me. I know God's welcoming me, calling me, and excited to see me, but I can't manage to go in the door. I'm scared, I guess! God's been asking me to deal with a lot of things lately, and though I've now recognized that they exist, I don't even know where to start.
During a worship session at Breakforth, one of my friends drew a picture, and said that God had told her to give it to me. It's of Jesus handing a girl (me?) a flower. The next morning in an intercessory workshop, God told me that I couldn't have the flower until I let go of what I was holding. Funny, because the preceding morning He told me that I needed to let go. And people were praying over me, that I'd start trusting God and let go of my control. And let myself be loved.
But I feel like I DO let myself be loved! I know God's been asking me to receive Love, but I don't know how. Last weekend, one of my friend's husbands said to me "Robin, the more you receive Love, the less power fear will have over you." What a word from the Lord! And he didn't even know it.
What do I do? Where do I start?
How do I get inside the Temple?