Private or Public?

Yesterday, Beth Moore kicked my butt again.

"Is your faith more passionate in public, or in your private life?"

...ouch.

I think that's a big item in our walks. Comes back to Jesus reminding us not to let our left hand know what our right hand is doing (Matt 6:3). But it's hard.

Why is it hard for me?

(1) I have troubles receiving encouragement from God. I have trouble receiving His pleasure in me. All I see is sin. But in God's eyes, forgiven sin is behind us. So I shouldn't struggle this way. But I do!

(2) I'm lazy. I was recently struck by something the skit guys said (God to Tommy): "you're really lazy, but you pretend to be really, really busy." man, that hits home! I'm too busy for my prayer life sometimes. I'm too busy to do things God's way sometimes. I'm too busy to serve someone else sometimes. It's dangerous. I'm ashamed that I struggle there.

(3) I need other people to think. That sounds dumb, I know! But I think it's part of the way I was created. I feel things well on my own. But when it comes down to thinking, I need someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to guide my thinking. I wonder how to let God be that someone!

Any ideas?

a kind of really big deal

I have an announcement. It's a huge deal. Massive. Life changing.

I've been thinking this off and on for awhile, but it never occurred to me that it was real.

I'm not doing this on any timeline but God's time. It's just that today, I suddenly know for sure something that changes everything.

Today, I was sitting in class and I was thinking about something that's come to mind often recently.

"I don't have any passions. What am I even interested in? I'm not called to anything. I have no life dreams! Who the crap am I!?!?!"

and then a few things that I know are true came to mind:

(1) I am a daughter of the Lord

(2) I love people

(3) I have a heart for seeing Christians have more freedom in Christ.

then,

"Wait. I DO have a passion. Only one. But it's big enough that I wouldn't have room to have others.."

Jesus is my love. My faith is my passion. God is my desire.

Today, I learned what this means. I don't know how, but I suddenly just got it. I don't feel called to any specific thing yet, but this I know for sure:

I'm called to full time ministry.

I love...

(a list of things I love to help combat a sad + grumpy day - in no particular order.. except the first two!)

1. Jesus! (and the Father, and the Spirit).

2. my cat.

3. 2 Timothy 2:13 (thanks Ben!)

4. McKernan Baptist Church!

5. Fair Trade Certified

6. laughter

7. kids' movies. especially How to Train Your Dragon and Rio.

8. Courageous

9. yogurt

10. peanut butter

11. friends

12. late nights

13. dubstep

14. making cookies

15. eating cookies

16. Toms.

17. Make Poverty History

18. David Crowder Band

19. downhere

20. prayer

21. rest (Matthew 11:28)

22. my small group

23. clean teeth

24. a really big cup of Library tea with milk and honey.

25. tea in general

26. sunsets + sunrises

27. long weekends

28. genuine love

29. tigers

30. creation

31. the bible

32. mandarin oranges

33. big hugs from good friends

34. goldfish!

35. warm blankets

36. sleep

37. feeling the movement of the Spirit

38. green + orange

39. cheese!!!

40. smiling + getting other people to smile!

grab me by the hand

Forgiveness is a most magical thing. So much freedom in forgiving someone, so much freedom in being forgiven.

Forgiving BH has been incredible. Though my heart is still broken, it's no longer incapacitating. It's beautiful because it was better almost instantly after forgiving him.

Why are we so slow to forgive if THIS is the outcome?

And God is always so quick to forgive. God doesn't need extra time to think about things and cool down. You ask for His forgiveness, you receive His forgiveness. It sets you free.

I'm kind of in awe of the last few weeks of my life. I've gone from awful to wonderful in such a short time that it can only be a God thing. God heals. The Lord is my Healer.

I'm longing to encounter Him in a real way right now. To hear His voice, to feel His touch, to know His love.

Last night at small group, we were talking about prayer as God's invitation to us. Every time I go to prayer, it is Christ knocking at my heart that initiates it. Every time I call to Him in fear, in tears, in joy, in loneliness, in suffering - in any circumstance - it is the Lord reminding me that He is right there and that He is not going to let me go. Ever. (Deut. 31:6). Though I had already come across this concept before, it's no less amazing to me now. God wants to hear from me.

I feel so content and so joyful. I still have a long way to go to mental/spiritual health, but I have no doubt that God can take me there. God WILL take me there.

PS - there is a baby in my church that needs a liver transplant in an absolutely crucial way right now. Her name is Daphne. My small group is praying for a miracle. Please pray.