Starting

Sometimes I just can't believe.

It's brutally honest, and I'm scared of that. Sometimes I really struggle with doubt. Now, I know I've complained about this before on here, but lately lecture material in psychology is getting brutally secular. I will believe. No matter what.

But it is hard.

Yet, regardless of how difficult the oppression can be, God still lavishly pours out His love on me. I can't believe how hopeful I feel right now, when everything seems amiss. I know it'll be okay. I know it. I need the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up, and I know He will. Well, we'll hope. I'll know by my Fruit, right?

I'm trying to let the walls down. Tonight after bible study, two friends stayed behind to ask me what was going on in my heart, and I started telling them. I didn't get too far in, and I had to keep telling them to back off because it's too much for me - but I let them (part way) in. It was hard and scary, but I started to talk about daddy issues and guarded heart issues. I stopped talking before I started crying, but the point is that it began. I started.

So, even in all of the messy doubts and fears I'm being restrained by, I'm starting. Starting to let God do something. Oh my.

I have hope.