Married

I have heard from people that "admitting we have a problem is the first step." And yet, I always feel like admitting it does nothing. I don't know where the second step is. But I guess I'll come out today and honestly admit something that I am struggling with.

It kinda comes with a story.

A few months ago, I realized (I don't want to say "God told me," but He kinda did. I think...) that I'm supposed to be single for awhile. I thought it would be about a year, and I was chill with it because I wasn't interested in anyone at the time. I knew that there were good reasons to it and that God wanted me to grow in Him, but it wasn't a big deal to me.

After the Christmas holidays, I came back and met a wonderful guy. I fell for him almost instantly, and we started hanging out on a friendlier level in no time. We had the "more than friends" talk, and agreed to fast from each other for a week to seek God's face on it.

I don't know what happened. I do know that God showed me that I wasn't allowed to date him, but I wanted it so badly that I blamed my uneasy feelings on other things. I do know that I should have said no when he asked me out. I don't know why this man didn't hear the same things from God; this was very unnerving. I do know why I said yes: I wanted to be loved.

Dating him was fun, warming and exciting. He is a great guy! But the feelings of not being at peace, of knowing something was off didn't go away. God gave me sign after sign that I needed to wait, but I didn't. I realized a few weeks into our relationship that the feelings weren't going to go away. So I broke up with the guy, and broke my heart.

Why am I telling you this? Oh, I don't know. I think it's that I was looking for the fulfilling love of a husband, the kind that I need to know from God first, in this man. I do it in almost all of my relationships. I don't think it's that I don't believe that God loves me. I mean, I don't know very much. This probably isn't making very much sense, but I am getting to the point, soon!

So, I'm doing this dating God thing. Then, a few days ago, I learned that it's gonna be longer than a year, and while this is right, it hurt. Actually it stings. So here comes my confession.

I don't want to date God.

I mean, I do. I want to want it, is more like it. But I don't want it like I should. I don't feel that fulfillment and contentment in God. I am almost positive that this is the purpose for my singleness, along with other things perhaps, but I don't know where to begin looking for it. It sounds so horrible to say that, but it's honest. My prayers tonight were laced with phrases that asked God to make me want to date Him. More.

I don't know if any of this made sense. This is just what I'm going through right now, and it's no big deal. I know that in the end, I'll be so in love with God that I can't see straight! :) But this is what's up with me, and I'm looking for answers.

Most of all, I'm really looking for God. With my heart. And I know that I'm gonna find Him.

He is my husband.