Glee?

I'm just so opposed to how sexual Glee has become. It's my favourite tv show, but I just feel so uncomfortable with all of the sex appeal that they're only using to get ratings. I feel so awkward watching it, and I want to turn it off, but it's my favourite show...

Could it just be this episode, based on Britney Spears?

And even the whole gay thing. They're really playing it up, and I feel uncomfortable with that too.

This world is so blindly looking for purpose and worth, don't they see?

You were made to long for worth, and made to find and receive it from Christ.

Pathetic Failure?

I just feel like I've never done anything in my life. Nothing right, anyways. I've screwed up lots, and I've hurt a lot of people, but never have I ever gone through with something. I'm so lazy, and I'm not good enough for anything.

You know why I came to U of A? To go into Medicine. It was my dream for 7 years. And I just quit; I gave up.

And I'm falling back on counselling, which is something people always told me I'd be good at, and hey look, I don't even know if I can do that.

I feel so stupid right now.

And discouraged! Like, if this is supposed to be what I'm doing with my life, then why can't I get a VOLUNTEER position!?

That's who I am. The girl who gives up, I don't see anything through. I feel like, as the title says, a pathetic failure. Truthfully, I still want to be a doctor. I really, really do.

And I know, worldly ambitions don't matter, right? But Satan is so big on telling me that they do. He loves to point out that right now, according to the world, I'm worth nothing.

I'll really get down to it. Faith this year has been hard. I went through a lot, and the punches do keep coming.
And I know that I prayed before my interview for God's will not mine, and I'm trying SO hard to accept it.

Oh, boy, it was just 11:11 - I usually take that time to praise God. I must praise Him in these times. I must lift Him up!

So Thankful

I've been really blessed over the past few months by my C&C family at McKernan Baptist Church! I just got back from a games' night/worship/campfire with those guys, and I just feel so joyful! I'm realizing more and more how important community is. I really feel like we can lift each other up, and bring each other closer to Jesus. So many people from my extended family have blessed me by sharing their stories, wisdom and advice with me. I'm so thankful! I don't have anything else worthwhile to share right now... Classes are going well, I'm getting pretty involved everywhere and my small group has started off! I'm feeling pretty joyful tonight! Yay! Life! Oh, Happiness!

Cause and Effect

The people around me have too much influence on me.

I can think of so many ways where this is true. I have such a difficult time being true to who I know I am when I'm around my vibrantly nonChristian friends. I really struggle to uphold my beliefs. But what I want to talk about is how much I let people around me influence my emotions.

I should probably say now that I am an extremely emotional person, and my emotions have so much to do with everything about me. I know that makes no sense, but tonight, a girl I'd just met was really rude to me, and it just made me so sad and self conscious all night.

And here I am, trying to tell a friend that "meeting people's expectations isn't what really matters." When do I live THAT out? Never. I'm always trying to please everyone around me, and make them think I'm great.

What's most important?

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

Mark 12:28-31 says:

²⁸One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

²⁹"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' ³¹The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

So, what really matters? What people think of me? No. Their reactions to me should NOT effect who I am this deeply. I must let go of this.

PS - Healing prayer on Thursday! YAY!

How Come?

Sometimes, I'm just so fake.

I long, so badly, to be one of those people who truly lives for God. And I do, maybe 60% of the time. That number is getting bigger and bigger, but there is still so much of me that refuses to part with the world. I was watching some SkitGuys YouTube videos last night, and I came across this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfUzodLRvk

It really spoke to me. I'd watched this movie a few months ago, and the impact was much bigger this time. How many times do I put my hands in front of God's tools? How many times do I say "can't we deal with what I want to deal with!?" How come it's so easy to listen to the voices of the world, Satan's very own voice, telling me that Creation doesn't make sense, or that I'm better than another person? How come I can let fear consume me?

I know LOVE conquers, and I know that GOD IS LOVE. But how come I can forget?

How come I don't rely on this FACT every day? In every minute?

A few weeks ago, I sent a friend a Facebook message saying that without God, I don't think I could get through the day. How come, then, I can go through the whole day without praying, without relying on His strength, His Spirit? How come I can ignore His voice, if His Sheep know His voice? How come I can make my decisions according to what others would think of them?

How come?

Compassion And Anger

Last night, I read Jonah 4. I was really taken aback by what I found there, and I'd love to get other people's thoughts on it.

I just don't understand why Jonah is angry with God's compassion. I was praying through it last night, and I although I can't relate now, I know it's possible if I don't continue letting Jesus' love grow in me. What I understand the least is that Jonah was more than willing to take God's second chance for himself, but was angry that God gave Nineveh a second chance.

But, something equally enthralling? That even though God clearly disagrees with Jonah's anger, in verse six, "the LORD God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine."

So cool.

God also kills the vine the next day. Does it mean that God's compassion towards our sinfulness can run out?

What would have happened if Jonah had come around, even after God killed the vine?

This passage was just kinda crazy to me...

What are your thoughts? what does this mean to you, other than to not decide who God's compassion should belong to?

August Updates

It has been a very long time since I've blogged! I've been so busy with moving, organizing, jobs, friends, and life. I'm trying to get more and more involved at my church, McKernan Baptist, and I'm trying to do more reading in my personal time because I love the way it engages my brain. So, if any of you know of great Christian fiction or readable non-fiction, please let me know. Tonight a friend mentioned that she makes it her goal to finish 26 books a year (2 weeks per book), and I sure like this idea! So, I'll try and update what's been going on in my life without making this post obscenely long.

I've been really enjoying yoga these days! I love the feeling of awareness of my whole body it gives me. I've also become and organic/fair trade junkie, and I'm currently reading through the book of Acts. I'm looking at leading a small group through my church this year. I'm really longing for intimacy with God, through the Holy Spirit. I finally dropped off that healing prayer application this morning, and I'm hoping to finally deal with the more painful parts of my past.

Now for the part that's really affecting me lately. Recently, one of my friends confessed a sin to me - but she didn't really seem to find it a big deal, and planned to go on with it. She wasn't sorry, she just brought it up. So, after some very prayerful consideration, I decided to confront her on it. It got blown up - the evil surrounding my friend attacked me and protected her. It was terrifying. She ended up telling me to leave, or she'd call the cops. In this aftermath, I'm afraid our friendship won't be rekindled. It's sad, and my chats with God about it lead me to believe that I didn't say anything wrong, so I have to stick to my guns. I can't apologize for what I said if I believe it's true, and that I was supposed to tell her. Being a compulsive apologetic, this is tough. I'm thinking of telling her that I'm sorry about how it made her feel, and that I don't want to lose our friendship over this. I also think that with what she's going through, she needs as many loving friends as she can find. Ugh.

Anyways. I'm trying to spend less time on the internet, so I must go, but I will do my best to blog more often. Routine is coming! haha. September 8th is not too far away!

Herbal Tea and Fiction

Yeah, so if the title doesn't make sense, don't sweat it.

I'm feeling better today, stronger, and though I still feel totally lost, I have hope. I sorta wonder if the only reason that I get out of wack is that I stop spending time with God. And then, as I begin to make Him the focus again, I begin to grow again. It seems like it makes sense, but I get a feeling that it's not that easy.

For while that is true, we are also at war. Living in the middle of the biggest war in history. The war.

And since we're living at war, the last thing I need to be doing is living in an alternate reality.

Not only do I mean tv, books and the like, but my daydreaming problem needs to come to an end. I am bigger than this, for I have God. I think I'm going for healing prayer over this. Apparently, healing prayer is a pretty big deal in Christian circles. I was unaware of this ministry, and now that I'm feeling better, I feel like I don't need it... but could it really hurt?

Anyways, I'm trying to read a bit before bed every night, so I'm going to go. Night!

Oh, Happiness!

I'm going through some weird times.

Lately, I can't concentrate on God, I'm not myself, and I keep choosing the world. It really isn't who I am, but I can't leave it. Or, I'm trying to.

I don't have a lot to say. Last weekend, I went hiking in the Rockies. It was absolutely breathtaking - but I wasn't able to spend much time praising God for it, as I should. What's wrong with me!? I just don't understand. Why can't I fully commit! I seriously just want to give God my whole self, all of me, everything. But why can't I? What's holding me back? Half of the time, I think I have. Then, I realize I'm being called to live for Him, and that I'm not doing it.

Why can't I!?

I just don't understand what's going on. I'm fighting so many of the old enemies, and this time, I want to win in a permanent sense. I cannot win the fight on my own, but I have a king. The king. I know that God is faithful, even when I'm not. He is not dependent on who I am, thank GOD! But I need to live for Him. Fully. I need to give up the world. Fully.

And I need help.

Forgiveness and Guilt

Right when everything starts going right is when I screw up. Always.

For instance, life has really started to turn around. I was growing with God, my prayer life was growing, and I felt like I was on the right path.

Then I get body-checked by a problem I've had for years. I've always wanted to fit in. I've always wanted to be the girl who everyone wants to hang out with. And so last night, with K and G, I got wasted. Not just a little tipsy, but wasted.

And the sad part is, it was really fun. And one of my normal excuses for not drinking is "I'll do something stupid." But the thing is - I didn't do anything that I wouldn't have done sober. Which means I can't use that excuse anymore, even if it is valid.

So regardless, I felt extremely guilty. So I asked for forgiveness from Jesus. And yet, I still feel guilty. What do I do? I mean, I know I have been forgiven, but I still feel so ashamed. This isn't freedom!

Satan does this to us. He knows that we don't see things like God does - we don't see ourselves as blameless. And Satan knows that we don't understand that God DOES see things differently because His LOVE is different. Satan helps us to convince ourselves that we have screwed up our chances with God. Satan shouldn't have any footing here. So let's stop letting him have it.

Growing!

I feel like I'm growing so much right now. I feel so blessed, God is so good. He is reigning in my life. I was thinking today about how easy it is, during good times like these, to forget about our relationship with Him. How easy it is to forget to read Scripture, or spend empty time in prayer. Since moving into my new house, I've had a load of free time on my hands, and I have used most of it by hunting through Facebook or watching almost an entire season's worth of The Office. I'm looking forward to getting my iPod dock back tomorrow, so that I don't have to always have my computer on to listen to music. I want things to change!

I don't have much else to say, I'm sharing because I can? Haha. Maybe I'll share a verse!

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30.

I want to take refuge in God! I want to know Him!

Psalm 43

I've been praying through this Psalm recently, and it's been a blessing to me. Life is hectic, but God is providing and blessing. All of my life, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Psalm 43

Vindicate me, O God,
and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.