The Mask

I think I used to wear masks a lot. I'm not sure how else I'd be able to suddenly so easily see so many of my character flaws. I think I still wear masks too, but less. I think I often wear the mask of obnoxious. The mask of joyful insanity, so that people don't come too close.

Truthfully, I'm really afraid to lose people. I'm really afraid that once I let someone in, they won't like what they see, and that they'll abandon me. I guess there's some part of me that thinks it's better to never have a friendship than to lose one.

It really frightens me when people start dating. I feel like I won't matter anymore, and I think I begin to distance myself from friends who are starting new relationships. Some of this comes from a painful experience: this summer, my bestie J started dating my childhood best friend L. It was really hard for me to deal with, as I felt like neither of them had time for me anymore, and that neither of them wanted to hang out with me if the other couldn't be there too. I still feel this way. Oh, early adulthood - everyone is pairing off and starting their lives. Except me, it feels like.

This year, I've tried (and am trying) to be more honest with people about how I feel, but I often feel like they're not really listening when I try to share. I feel like my feelings and thoughts don't matter to other people, and that I should just keep them to myself. Most times when I share what I think, someone tells me that I'm wrong! But, back when I would never share my opinions, people would get frustrated with me for not sharing what I think.

I feel like I'm just sitting here whining, so I'll probably just wrap this up. Truthfully, I've been very blessed with very good friends, and lots of incredible opportunities. This journey of figuring out who I am is very trying, but it's kind of an amazing ride. :)