You Provide the Spirit, So I can Open Up Inside

It's been a strange start to 2011. Though only one month has passed, I feel as though 2010 was forever ago, and like I've gone through too many seasons already this month.

January is a big month. We went on a C&C Retreat out to Nakamun Lake a few weeks ago. During a worship time there, I felt like something was off (wrong, unusual, almost painful!) in my heart, and I asked God what was going on. As I reflected on the lyrics I was singing, His "voice" came to my heart and told me that I didn't believe that He loved me.

Our speaker had us go through a list of affirmations from the bible that apply to all believers. I felt like challenging what God told me, so I decided to circle the ones I believed (by believe, I mean a core belief that extends deep into my heart, not just a surface 'yes'). I believed 3 of the 30-something affirmations that were there. Wow, right?

I don't even know where to start "believing God's love." I realize that coming to terms with the fact that I don't believe it is a big step, but I want to fix it so badly! Maybe that's the problem, what I need is to let HIM fix it. Let Him in further. But how? Is there a manual? I don't even know what I'm holding onto that I so badly need to get out of.

And this weekend is Breakforth. I'm really, really hopeful to hear God's voice because it's been a weird couple of weeks. I feel like the oppressor has been dragging me around for a little while now, and I'm weary. I need Christ.

I'll hopefully have some time to write next week, hopefully a more joyful post on what's going on.

Until then.

A Prayerful Resolution

The other day I went for a massage, and it made me think of God.

A weird phenomenon, I know. But when my massage therapist was massaging out my muscle knots, it was really painful. It made me think of all of the times this year when God was 'massaging out' the knots in my life - it's really painful during those times, but in the end, I always feel explosively on fire for Him. So it's a good thing. A God thing.

I've been spiritually dead since I've been in Rupert, and I know it's my fault, but it's just so difficult. So I was thinking about resolutions and goals... I really realized this year that I hardly know how to pray, and that I'm really bad at keeping up my prayer life. So, my new years resolution is to learn to pray. I don't really understand the concept of fasting. I get the surface "I'm not eating for God", but I don't understand the purpose. I want to learn to pray and fast. I want to learn to wear the WHOLE armour of God, too. All of the time. I know that this means giving up things that I want. I want to start spending a whole lot less time on Facebook and a whole lot more time seeking God and his Kingdom.

But how?

somewhere between Canaan and Egypt

Hey team. It's been a long while, and I don't have a whole lot to say tonight either. I've been extremely busy with exams and studying. Luckily, I'm finished this whole semester on Thursday! So exciting. Listen to Wilderness by the OC Supertones.

This week, I've been reading through the book of Hosea. Chapter 2, wow. The chapter starts off with how bad God's people have been, and how upset God is with them. Halfway through the chapter, the whole tone changes. In verse 14, God says "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the desert, and speak tenderly to her." Sure, the rest of the chapter made me swoon - I am SO in love with my creator! Look at verse 19, God says: "And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy." I am just amazed. But verse 14 really stood out to me. Here's why:

Generally, when I think of being in the desert, I think of a time of real spiritual 'dryness', or deprivation. It's not a time that I ever look forward to. I don't know if that's what God means here, but even if He is literally leading Israel into the desert, it doesn't sound like a good time. Other translations use the word wilderness. Spiritually, it could be a time when things are dangerous and new and frightening. Literally, the wilderness doesn't seem to be somewhere that anyone just goes for a good time.

But what comes next? God says that He'll speak tenderly to her there. Our time in the desert may just be an opportunity for God to gently reshape us. To speak tenderly to us.

Our God loves us so much. There's no denying that.

Everything is Never As it Seems

I feel better.

Healing prayer was good. God battled for me, and I took large steps. It was really freeing, again, and could only have come at the most God-approved time. Initially, I had been upset that it had been postponed for so long, but now it makes sense. He knows what He's doing.

I have chosen a life verse. I was really trying to pick between a few of them, so I'll share them all.

Hebrews 13:5 b: "Because God has said: 'never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'"

Sometimes, this is the most astoundingly relieving thing to hear. My God, creator of the universe will never leave me.

Psalm 32:7 : "You are my hiding place, You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance"

I need God to save me. I need Him to hold me closely. I need it. I need Him.

Psalm 43: I've copied this onto this blog before. This Psalm speaks my heart during times of pain and fear. God's got my back.

And finally, the life verse that I have chosen:

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord Your God is with you, He is mighty to save, he will take great joy in you, He will quiet you with His Love, He will rejoice over you with loud singing"

That's what I want. That's what I need. Let me be to Him a sacrifice.

You Are My Joy - David Crowder Band

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And he set me on fire and I am burning alive.
With his breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in
Remain composed.
Love's taken over me
So I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed.
Love's taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

I need to catch my breath, I need to.
I need to catch my breath, give me a moment now.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

I'm laughing so hard
And I'm laughing so hard
And I'm laughing so hard

Everything I Know

Right now, I'm feeling more nonchalant than I ever have in my entire life.

I am a sinner, and I don't care. The only thing that I care about is that I don't care.

I don't know who I am anymore. I am so confused. I can't wait for Healing Prayer tomorrow. I need help, a mentor. I need someone to pray now, when I can't. I'm trying, I really am, but it's so difficult. It's so messy.

Is the Holy Spirit praying through me now?

I want to believe that I will remain His child, even when everything I know comes crashing down.

Like now.

let Heaven roar

I really need a revival. During worship last night, God really lifted me up. I had a really crappy week last week. Family stuff, friends stuff, and midterms that all went terribly. I've had an inflamed mouth and have thus been high on t3s. It was just not good times. I had a mental breakdown last Monday night. And last night, God pointed out to me that I can't do anything without Him, and that I should quit trying.

It's so hard, though. It's so hard to focus on God on a secular campus. Doubt is penetrating my faith again. It's better this time, of course. I just need the Holy Spirit.

But I feel like I need a serious, deep, revolutionary revival. Right now, I feel like I'm just floating along, not quite recovered from last week, but not bad either.

This week, I'm going for my second round of healing prayer, and I'm really looking forward to what the Holy Spirit is going to do. I don't know what it is yet, but in the words of David Crowder, "my faith is dead, I need a resurrection somehow."

For My Love - Bethany Dillon

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love

The Mask

I think I used to wear masks a lot. I'm not sure how else I'd be able to suddenly so easily see so many of my character flaws. I think I still wear masks too, but less. I think I often wear the mask of obnoxious. The mask of joyful insanity, so that people don't come too close.

Truthfully, I'm really afraid to lose people. I'm really afraid that once I let someone in, they won't like what they see, and that they'll abandon me. I guess there's some part of me that thinks it's better to never have a friendship than to lose one.

It really frightens me when people start dating. I feel like I won't matter anymore, and I think I begin to distance myself from friends who are starting new relationships. Some of this comes from a painful experience: this summer, my bestie J started dating my childhood best friend L. It was really hard for me to deal with, as I felt like neither of them had time for me anymore, and that neither of them wanted to hang out with me if the other couldn't be there too. I still feel this way. Oh, early adulthood - everyone is pairing off and starting their lives. Except me, it feels like.

This year, I've tried (and am trying) to be more honest with people about how I feel, but I often feel like they're not really listening when I try to share. I feel like my feelings and thoughts don't matter to other people, and that I should just keep them to myself. Most times when I share what I think, someone tells me that I'm wrong! But, back when I would never share my opinions, people would get frustrated with me for not sharing what I think.

I feel like I'm just sitting here whining, so I'll probably just wrap this up. Truthfully, I've been very blessed with very good friends, and lots of incredible opportunities. This journey of figuring out who I am is very trying, but it's kind of an amazing ride. :)

Diwali Dreams

I would so love to be in India to see Diwali next month. Diwali is India's festival of lights, and the whole country (or the northern parts of it) are lit up by candles for 5 days. Something that really strikes me is that though Diwali is popularly known as the festival of lights, it actually refers to "the awareness of inner light." I often don't know how to react to other religions. Diwali is a celebration throughout most Indian religions about good triumphing over evil. I just don't understand, sometimes, how we know that other religions aren't true. I've heard so many people tell me that Muslim religions are practically the same as Christianity, with a different name for their God. While I know this is not true, it's only speculation - I have no reason not to believe this except an inner part that says something's a little off. And yet, I don't even know if that part is truly the consciousness of the Holy Spirit, or if it's just filled with words that have been ingrained into my head since I was born again. I've often wondered at other religions, though. With the struggles with doubt that I just went through, I feel too unsteady to learn about other religions, for I imagine I would have a panic attacking-wave of doubt if I don't wait to finish sorting out last year.

Do you ever wonder how one event in your life can have such a large impact on you? How one hole prodded into your child-like faith can cause all you've ever known to be questioned? It startles me. I long to just trust blindly, and I am improving, most certainly, but it is still really hard. I still sometimes burst into tears and think God's not real. I still sometimes struggle to know what's going on; what's spiritual attack and what's not. I am going for another round of healing prayer (the day before I get my wisdom teeth out...), and I'm really looking forward to more freedom. I know that I can come to a place of this freedom without the help of the prayer team, but more often than not as I try to pray my way through things, they get muddier, and I get more confused. Sometimes, there's just something reassuring of having someone look you in the eyes and tell you that you're loved, and that the Holy Spirit lives inside you.

The Stress

I know that when I get stressed out, the most important things are time with God, sleep and studying. Yet it feels like in this very stressful time, I do these things least of all! I feel like I'm living and breathing Paul's thoughts of doing what I do not want to do. I feel like in nearly every post on this blog, I'm talking about how much *more time I need to spend with God, and how I always do other things. Over the last year, the amount of time that I spend with God has increased a lot, but I know that it's not enough. For the next week, my friend M changed my facebook password so that I can't get on when I should be studying. It's still so easy to waste time. Why is it so easy to put other things first!? I've often wondered if it's because God doesn't always seem that tangible, and we need something responsive. And I know, God IS responsive. I'm just not always tuned into hearing Him. I have Bible Study tonight, and for once, I want to spend the HOUR before it praying and studying for the night. I know the beauty of prayer. I feel like an idiot sometimes, I really don't do what I want to. I signed up for some intercessory and spirit-lead sessions at Breakforth this year, and I'm hopeful that the Spirit will speak to me. I know that the Spirit doesn't need a place like Breakforth in order to speak to me, but sometimes it's hard to do on your own. Anyways, I should get back to studying. :)

A Comic Degined with Me in Mind!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I really felt that the artists at Cyanide and Happiness thought of me, when creating this comic. SO FUNNY.