cold

For a long while now I've been struggling with Christianity. Although I haven't talked much about it, it's been at least a year that I've been really struggling with the big questions. Could there really be a Heaven? Does prayer really work? Does God even exist? If yes, why are we sure Christianity is the answer?
This has been a really hard struggle for me... Previously, Christianity was my identity & my everything. Exploring life outside of that has been exciting, traumatic and exhausting. But I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be right now and the journey that I'm supposed to be on. While I could talk about that for hours (and probably reach no better conclusion), the doubt and exploration aren't why I'm writing this post.
I've always been the kind of person to have a lot of close personal relationships, but until I began questioning my religious beliefs it had never occurred to me that so many of my relationships were based on my faith.
When my exploration of life outside of Christianity began, I immediately felt separated from so many people who I would have considered to be my closest friends. For awhile, I wondered if it was just in my head. I wondered if I was the one creating those boundaries to protect myself from being swayed back into the faith. Being that I've always found it challenging to share my deep struggles with even my closest friends, I thought this was another example of that. So I made it a new years resolution to myself to reach out to my Christian girlfriends and try to reconnect - particularly the seven that I'd had the closest relationships with.
I met up with one friend in January, and shared these thoughts with her. She assured me wholeheartedly that my disenchantment with Christianity would/should have no effect on my relationships. She told me that I would always be welcome & valued. And I believed her.
Fast forward to this weekend. One of the seven girlfriends invited everyone to get together and pray for another of the seven. Instantly, I felt conflicted. I love these girls. So wholeheartedly. And I want to support them in any way that I can. But being that I've been reluctant to share my struggle with Christianity, I was immediately concerned that they would expect me to be a certain way. Prayerful, to put a word on it. And I have been prayerful as I've explored my journey. Not always perfectly, and not always directed at a Christian God exactly, but prayerful. But I don't know what I think of prayer and it's kind of a strange area for me right now. So I was conflicted.
I texted two of the seven girlfriends to ask for their advice. I can't really even share how hard it was for me to take that step of vulnerability and be honest about where I was on the prayer situation. I guess I kind of expected them to tell me to come to show my support anyways. What I got (from both of them) was literally the opposite.

They both told me not to come.

In nicer words, of course, but it was still just as hurtful. One actually said that for prayer to be effective, everyone present had to be in agreement... I'm sorry - since when can an all powerful God only answer prayers if everyone in the room believes in Him? It is not like I disagreed with the reasons for the prayer either...  I feel like promising that you're not trying to be offensive doesn't make your statement unoffensive and doesn't give you free reign to be offensive. These friends answered my vulnerability with rejection.
I guess I feel somewhat lost and abandoned. Am I being a drama queen? Or were their actions cold, as I'm interpreting them to be?

ENFP Confessions #5

For my birthday last year, a really good friend of mine bought me a very cool present (she wrote this post!). It's a journal that asks you a question every day for a year - and there is space for five years. I don't know if I explained that right.

A few days ago, on February 6th, to be exact, the question was Are you seeking excitement or contentment? And I had a REALLY hard time with the answer for a little while. But the reason this post is an ENFP confession is because I'm going to talk a little about that little P (perceiving) at the end of my type!

When people get to know me, it's pretty common for them to ask me if I'm sure I'm not a J (judging). I'm internally organized, I like {when other people have to follow the} rules and I'm never late for anything. I keep an immaculate order to my mind. So why am I a P? I love spontaneity. I don't mind changing my schedule around, I love {when I get to} break rules, I can jump from one conversation to another without feeling phased. I have laundry all over my bedroom, I love trying new things, pushing my comfort zone and I hate all household chores (although that last point might be an N thing).

Us P-types thrive with internal harmony and external cray-cray-ness. So my answer for the question? "Both. I want internal contentment and external excitement."

[Crunch the numbers: 365 questions, 5 years and 1825 answers.]

High Five for Friday

It's Friday! Yay! This weekend I'm going to a retreat with the executive of my student group and I'm really excited. I'm giving a mini workshop on nonverbal communication and I have about a billion improv games planned - I'm sure my fellow executives (all introverts) are probably just thrilled. lol. Oh well.

Today I'm linking up with Lauren Elizabeth for a five greats from the past week post called High Five for Friday! Yay! Here are my five: 

1. I got a sticker from Aerie Real's new campaign - they're no longer retouching their models which is really exciting to me. I hope this means we're one step closer to letting go of the ideals of photoshop altogether.
   
2. This week I managed to get ahead in my classes. I don't have any midterms or assignments now until after reading week, so I'm resisting the urge to slack off.
3. It's currently international week at the university and today was also Chinese New Year - I got to see some really fantastic lion dancers! They were seriously fantastic; I couldn't look away! Hence the poor photo quality. 
   
4. This week I went to see Dallas Buyers Club with one of my besties. It was absolutely incredible and I definitely recommend seeing it if you are into pharmaceutical history, AIDS prevention/treatment or if you just enjoy an amazing and emotional plot.
5. Today was filled with really good chats with friends. These hands belong to an inspirational and incredible friend of mine. I love Henna. Also she's holding a glass jar and I'm pretty much obsessed with glass jars so I forced her to let me photograph her hands! :) 
   

Hope your week was filled with many high points and have a great weekend!

ENFP Confessions #4

Sometimes I feel like my imaginative life is maybe more active than my actual life.

Recently, some friends and I went to see the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. It was fantastic - a definite idealist movie and I definitely recommend seeing it if you want some inspiration. [Favourite quote: "Beautiful things don't ask for attention."]

From the moment I saw the movie's trailer, something about it stood out to me. If you haven't heard about it, it's a guy who lives in a daydreamy world where he is a heroic champion and must go on a journey to discover his true identity. And that stuck out to me. 

I know I've mentioned it on here before how intense my daydreaming life is - sometimes it distracts me from what's really going on in my life. I can daydream for hours if nothing interrupts me, and I always go on the most exciting and incredible adventures. In my head. Yup. 

So I was pretty convinced that this movie was going to be about an introverted, male version of myself (and I was right). I think my little daydreaming problem is such a beneficial gift - sometimes it teaches me valuable things about people, relationships and myself. Sometimes, however, I need to go live my adventures instead of daydreaming about them.

ENFP thought for the day: I think emotion and imagination are rational logic in their own ways.

hometown & senoritis

I'm back! After a month off of blogging (for exams, visiting my hometown and getting settled into a new semester), I am blogging again! Y'all probably missed me, right?

For those of you who don't know me, I'm from a small coastal town in BC. I went to visit my fam for Christmas and it was so restful. I know I've blogged before about how exhausting it can be to visit family (or go on vacation in general), but this was not the case this year. 

I cannot even begin to share how meaningful it was for me that my family understood the level of exhaustion I showed up with. I slept for 12 hours a day, watched tons of movies and tv, hung out with my prego sister, cuddled with my cat, had long (and deep) talks with old friends and just sort of chilled. Sound lame? It was. But more than anything it was exactly what I needed.

Now I'm starting my last semester at the university of alberta. I honestly don't know how to feel - I'm sad, I'm excited, I'm annoyed, I'm overjoyed, I'm scared, I'm brave... I think it's called senoritis. Trying to find purpose in life while trying to ride the high of making it through 5 years of intense education. Intense growth.

I'm not sure what the future holds, and sometimes that's pretty scary. I do know, however, that this is going to be the best semester of my life. 

and I'm thrilled.

Blogmopolitan Quiz

So I basically feel like a celeb right now. You know those quizzes at the interview section of Cosmo? Well this super cool blogger put together a similar quiz for us blogging ladies to fill out.
This was seriously SO fun.
It didn't quite fit properly in my template, but you just have to click on it for it to get bigger!

Love it!

in case you haven't heard

So something crazy happened about an hour ago and I feel like it's worth posting about. It's no big deal or anything but BEYONCE RELEASED A NEW ALBUM. With a video for every song. oh my dear goodness gracious. Queen Bey. Forever. And always. AAAAH!! This ENFP is freaking right out!

Post by Beyoncé.

procrastination list

I'm procrastinating on studying for my Cell Bio final, and I thought I'd share my procrastinations with y'all.

1. I just counted how many lip glosses/lip chaps are on my desk. The answer is 5. Is that necessary? I don't know. It's an addiction I can't fully explain... especially the lip gloss thing, because I hardly ever wear it (I hate it when my hair sticks to my lips). 

2. I tried to make banana bread, and after I mixed it all up I realized I don't have a bread pan. Soooo I tried putting it into muffin tins. It really didn't work out. Looks awful, but tastes amazing, so I guess it's not a complete lose.

3. I really appreciated reading through this. How many of these things apply to you? 

4. In the spirit of counting things at my desk, I also have 9 notepads on top of my desk. That's not including the ones in the boxes under my desk. I know, I know I don't need that many notepads. but they're kind of my favourite thing to buy for myself. They're so pretty, I just can't resist.

5. I can't quite get enough of this mash-up, despite the heavy influences of my least favourite song ever. What do you think? 

Well I guess it's back to cell bio for me. Happy exams, friends!

ENFP Confessions #3

Relationships are probably the most important thing in the world to me. I love people in general, and I've been known to tell people that I don't do acquaintances. We either are friends, or we're not friends, and there's no real in between for me. My relationships are part of my identity. In the words of my favourite ENFP...

I have a really hard time letting go of my relationships. The getting to know someone process is incredibly life changing for me with any relationship, particularly deeper relationships. My relationships become a huge part of who I am; it's challenging for me to accept that sometimes the most healthy thing is to take a break from a relationship.

I know this post seems kind of serious, but it's something I'm seriously thinking about tonight. Sometimes, letting go of the things we hold dearest can allow us to be extraordinarily free. 

I will!

Two posts in one day! what!?

I just saw this video from one of my favourite video bloggers, and it really inspired and motivated me, so I wanted to share it here!

thoughts for today

Honestly, it's a tough gig to be a girl sometimes. The media puts us in the business of comparison and jealousy - a pressure that makes it challenging to love yourself.

Lately I've been really unhappy with my physical appearance. It's been really weighing me down. I was telling my best friend about how unhappy I am, and he asked me "when do you think you'll be happy with yourself?" 

When I'm perfect.

And let's face it: that day is never going to come. I'm never, ever going to be perfect. The standards I've set for myself are actually completely unattainable. But I can't let go of this feeling that I'll always need to be something better. At what point can I just be happy with who I am? I think it is important to aim for growth, to aim for a better version of yourself, to learn and to be changed by life. But I think it's also important to be happy with yourself at each stage.

How do I re-motivate myself to aim for a healthier life without putting myself through horrible circumstances again? As some of you may know, when I'd lost 70 pounds, I had done a lot of that (at least half) by starving myself. I struggled so much with anorexia and if I ever ate "too much," I would workout ridiculously hard to make up for it. This behaviour was reinforced by everyone telling me how great I looked. I was much more confident, but I was never satisfied.

So this time, I want to make sure I'm doing it the healthy way. It's really easy for me to become uninspired when I don't immediately see results. I don't know how to start over. I don't know how to love myself where I'm at. But these are my thoughts for today.

ENFP Confessions #2

I'm intensely passionate about an extremely wide array of things... and all of those things don't necessarily go together, either.

Seriously, I'm really hyper-passionate. Sex, faith, singing, education, human rights and social justice, fairtrade, writing, getting to know others... the list goes on. At least there's somewhat of a common element; you can kind of narrow down the list. I really love people!

And I hear a lot of other ENFPs have this struggle too! I regularly wonder if I'll ever decide what I want to be when I grow up. If I ever grow up, that is. It's so hard to figure out what "my thing" is... I guess I both love and hate this about myself. I love that I love so many things. But I also desperately wish that I at least had an idea of what my future would hold.

In the end, I think I'll keep living a life of happiness and love. To be totally honest, as confusing as being hyper-passionate can be, my life is very full of love and joy because of it. So... I think I'll just embrace this hyper-passionate part of myself - it is, after all, a pretty good problem to have.