For a long while now I've been struggling with Christianity. Although I haven't talked much about it, it's been at least a year that I've been really struggling with the big questions. Could there really be a Heaven? Does prayer really work? Does God even exist? If yes, why are we sure Christianity is the answer?
This has been a really hard struggle for me... Previously, Christianity was my identity & my everything. Exploring life outside of that has been exciting, traumatic and exhausting. But I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be right now and the journey that I'm supposed to be on. While I could talk about that for hours (and probably reach no better conclusion), the doubt and exploration aren't why I'm writing this post.
I've always been the kind of person to have a lot of close personal relationships, but until I began questioning my religious beliefs it had never occurred to me that so many of my relationships were based on my faith.
When my exploration of life outside of Christianity began, I immediately felt separated from so many people who I would have considered to be my closest friends. For awhile, I wondered if it was just in my head. I wondered if I was the one creating those boundaries to protect myself from being swayed back into the faith. Being that I've always found it challenging to share my deep struggles with even my closest friends, I thought this was another example of that. So I made it a new years resolution to myself to reach out to my Christian girlfriends and try to reconnect - particularly the seven that I'd had the closest relationships with.
I met up with one friend in January, and shared these thoughts with her. She assured me wholeheartedly that my disenchantment with Christianity would/should have no effect on my relationships. She told me that I would always be welcome & valued. And I believed her.
Fast forward to this weekend. One of the seven girlfriends invited everyone to get together and pray for another of the seven. Instantly, I felt conflicted. I love these girls. So wholeheartedly. And I want to support them in any way that I can. But being that I've been reluctant to share my struggle with Christianity, I was immediately concerned that they would expect me to be a certain way. Prayerful, to put a word on it. And I have been prayerful as I've explored my journey. Not always perfectly, and not always directed at a Christian God exactly, but prayerful. But I don't know what I think of prayer and it's kind of a strange area for me right now. So I was conflicted.
I texted two of the seven girlfriends to ask for their advice. I can't really even share how hard it was for me to take that step of vulnerability and be honest about where I was on the prayer situation. I guess I kind of expected them to tell me to come to show my support anyways. What I got (from both of them) was literally the opposite.
They both told me not to come.
In nicer words, of course, but it was still just as hurtful. One actually said that for prayer to be effective, everyone present had to be in agreement... I'm sorry - since when can an all powerful God only answer prayers if everyone in the room believes in Him? It is not like I disagreed with the reasons for the prayer either... I feel like promising that you're not trying to be offensive doesn't make your statement unoffensive and doesn't give you free reign to be offensive. These friends answered my vulnerability with rejection.
I guess I feel somewhat lost and abandoned. Am I being a drama queen? Or were their actions cold, as I'm interpreting them to be?
This has been a really hard struggle for me... Previously, Christianity was my identity & my everything. Exploring life outside of that has been exciting, traumatic and exhausting. But I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be right now and the journey that I'm supposed to be on. While I could talk about that for hours (and probably reach no better conclusion), the doubt and exploration aren't why I'm writing this post.
I've always been the kind of person to have a lot of close personal relationships, but until I began questioning my religious beliefs it had never occurred to me that so many of my relationships were based on my faith.
When my exploration of life outside of Christianity began, I immediately felt separated from so many people who I would have considered to be my closest friends. For awhile, I wondered if it was just in my head. I wondered if I was the one creating those boundaries to protect myself from being swayed back into the faith. Being that I've always found it challenging to share my deep struggles with even my closest friends, I thought this was another example of that. So I made it a new years resolution to myself to reach out to my Christian girlfriends and try to reconnect - particularly the seven that I'd had the closest relationships with.
I met up with one friend in January, and shared these thoughts with her. She assured me wholeheartedly that my disenchantment with Christianity would/should have no effect on my relationships. She told me that I would always be welcome & valued. And I believed her.
Fast forward to this weekend. One of the seven girlfriends invited everyone to get together and pray for another of the seven. Instantly, I felt conflicted. I love these girls. So wholeheartedly. And I want to support them in any way that I can. But being that I've been reluctant to share my struggle with Christianity, I was immediately concerned that they would expect me to be a certain way. Prayerful, to put a word on it. And I have been prayerful as I've explored my journey. Not always perfectly, and not always directed at a Christian God exactly, but prayerful. But I don't know what I think of prayer and it's kind of a strange area for me right now. So I was conflicted.
I texted two of the seven girlfriends to ask for their advice. I can't really even share how hard it was for me to take that step of vulnerability and be honest about where I was on the prayer situation. I guess I kind of expected them to tell me to come to show my support anyways. What I got (from both of them) was literally the opposite.
They both told me not to come.
In nicer words, of course, but it was still just as hurtful. One actually said that for prayer to be effective, everyone present had to be in agreement... I'm sorry - since when can an all powerful God only answer prayers if everyone in the room believes in Him? It is not like I disagreed with the reasons for the prayer either... I feel like promising that you're not trying to be offensive doesn't make your statement unoffensive and doesn't give you free reign to be offensive. These friends answered my vulnerability with rejection.
I guess I feel somewhat lost and abandoned. Am I being a drama queen? Or were their actions cold, as I'm interpreting them to be?
Oh, Robin :( I'm sorry you were responded to in that way. I have known something has been up, having not seen you at C&C or anything. It's so okay to question things, and I'm glad you are - no matter where you come out of it. <3
ReplyDeleteMegan! thanks so much for your response - it means a lot to me. <3 I appreciate you!
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