A Prayerful Resolution

The other day I went for a massage, and it made me think of God.

A weird phenomenon, I know. But when my massage therapist was massaging out my muscle knots, it was really painful. It made me think of all of the times this year when God was 'massaging out' the knots in my life - it's really painful during those times, but in the end, I always feel explosively on fire for Him. So it's a good thing. A God thing.

I've been spiritually dead since I've been in Rupert, and I know it's my fault, but it's just so difficult. So I was thinking about resolutions and goals... I really realized this year that I hardly know how to pray, and that I'm really bad at keeping up my prayer life. So, my new years resolution is to learn to pray. I don't really understand the concept of fasting. I get the surface "I'm not eating for God", but I don't understand the purpose. I want to learn to pray and fast. I want to learn to wear the WHOLE armour of God, too. All of the time. I know that this means giving up things that I want. I want to start spending a whole lot less time on Facebook and a whole lot more time seeking God and his Kingdom.

But how?

somewhere between Canaan and Egypt

Hey team. It's been a long while, and I don't have a whole lot to say tonight either. I've been extremely busy with exams and studying. Luckily, I'm finished this whole semester on Thursday! So exciting. Listen to Wilderness by the OC Supertones.

This week, I've been reading through the book of Hosea. Chapter 2, wow. The chapter starts off with how bad God's people have been, and how upset God is with them. Halfway through the chapter, the whole tone changes. In verse 14, God says "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the desert, and speak tenderly to her." Sure, the rest of the chapter made me swoon - I am SO in love with my creator! Look at verse 19, God says: "And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy." I am just amazed. But verse 14 really stood out to me. Here's why:

Generally, when I think of being in the desert, I think of a time of real spiritual 'dryness', or deprivation. It's not a time that I ever look forward to. I don't know if that's what God means here, but even if He is literally leading Israel into the desert, it doesn't sound like a good time. Other translations use the word wilderness. Spiritually, it could be a time when things are dangerous and new and frightening. Literally, the wilderness doesn't seem to be somewhere that anyone just goes for a good time.

But what comes next? God says that He'll speak tenderly to her there. Our time in the desert may just be an opportunity for God to gently reshape us. To speak tenderly to us.

Our God loves us so much. There's no denying that.

Everything is Never As it Seems

I feel better.

Healing prayer was good. God battled for me, and I took large steps. It was really freeing, again, and could only have come at the most God-approved time. Initially, I had been upset that it had been postponed for so long, but now it makes sense. He knows what He's doing.

I have chosen a life verse. I was really trying to pick between a few of them, so I'll share them all.

Hebrews 13:5 b: "Because God has said: 'never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'"

Sometimes, this is the most astoundingly relieving thing to hear. My God, creator of the universe will never leave me.

Psalm 32:7 : "You are my hiding place, You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance"

I need God to save me. I need Him to hold me closely. I need it. I need Him.

Psalm 43: I've copied this onto this blog before. This Psalm speaks my heart during times of pain and fear. God's got my back.

And finally, the life verse that I have chosen:

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord Your God is with you, He is mighty to save, he will take great joy in you, He will quiet you with His Love, He will rejoice over you with loud singing"

That's what I want. That's what I need. Let me be to Him a sacrifice.

You Are My Joy - David Crowder Band

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And he set me on fire and I am burning alive.
With his breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in
Remain composed.
Love's taken over me
So I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed.
Love's taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

I need to catch my breath, I need to.
I need to catch my breath, give me a moment now.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

I'm laughing so hard
And I'm laughing so hard
And I'm laughing so hard

Everything I Know

Right now, I'm feeling more nonchalant than I ever have in my entire life.

I am a sinner, and I don't care. The only thing that I care about is that I don't care.

I don't know who I am anymore. I am so confused. I can't wait for Healing Prayer tomorrow. I need help, a mentor. I need someone to pray now, when I can't. I'm trying, I really am, but it's so difficult. It's so messy.

Is the Holy Spirit praying through me now?

I want to believe that I will remain His child, even when everything I know comes crashing down.

Like now.

let Heaven roar

I really need a revival. During worship last night, God really lifted me up. I had a really crappy week last week. Family stuff, friends stuff, and midterms that all went terribly. I've had an inflamed mouth and have thus been high on t3s. It was just not good times. I had a mental breakdown last Monday night. And last night, God pointed out to me that I can't do anything without Him, and that I should quit trying.

It's so hard, though. It's so hard to focus on God on a secular campus. Doubt is penetrating my faith again. It's better this time, of course. I just need the Holy Spirit.

But I feel like I need a serious, deep, revolutionary revival. Right now, I feel like I'm just floating along, not quite recovered from last week, but not bad either.

This week, I'm going for my second round of healing prayer, and I'm really looking forward to what the Holy Spirit is going to do. I don't know what it is yet, but in the words of David Crowder, "my faith is dead, I need a resurrection somehow."

For My Love - Bethany Dillon

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love

The Mask

I think I used to wear masks a lot. I'm not sure how else I'd be able to suddenly so easily see so many of my character flaws. I think I still wear masks too, but less. I think I often wear the mask of obnoxious. The mask of joyful insanity, so that people don't come too close.

Truthfully, I'm really afraid to lose people. I'm really afraid that once I let someone in, they won't like what they see, and that they'll abandon me. I guess there's some part of me that thinks it's better to never have a friendship than to lose one.

It really frightens me when people start dating. I feel like I won't matter anymore, and I think I begin to distance myself from friends who are starting new relationships. Some of this comes from a painful experience: this summer, my bestie J started dating my childhood best friend L. It was really hard for me to deal with, as I felt like neither of them had time for me anymore, and that neither of them wanted to hang out with me if the other couldn't be there too. I still feel this way. Oh, early adulthood - everyone is pairing off and starting their lives. Except me, it feels like.

This year, I've tried (and am trying) to be more honest with people about how I feel, but I often feel like they're not really listening when I try to share. I feel like my feelings and thoughts don't matter to other people, and that I should just keep them to myself. Most times when I share what I think, someone tells me that I'm wrong! But, back when I would never share my opinions, people would get frustrated with me for not sharing what I think.

I feel like I'm just sitting here whining, so I'll probably just wrap this up. Truthfully, I've been very blessed with very good friends, and lots of incredible opportunities. This journey of figuring out who I am is very trying, but it's kind of an amazing ride. :)

Diwali Dreams

I would so love to be in India to see Diwali next month. Diwali is India's festival of lights, and the whole country (or the northern parts of it) are lit up by candles for 5 days. Something that really strikes me is that though Diwali is popularly known as the festival of lights, it actually refers to "the awareness of inner light." I often don't know how to react to other religions. Diwali is a celebration throughout most Indian religions about good triumphing over evil. I just don't understand, sometimes, how we know that other religions aren't true. I've heard so many people tell me that Muslim religions are practically the same as Christianity, with a different name for their God. While I know this is not true, it's only speculation - I have no reason not to believe this except an inner part that says something's a little off. And yet, I don't even know if that part is truly the consciousness of the Holy Spirit, or if it's just filled with words that have been ingrained into my head since I was born again. I've often wondered at other religions, though. With the struggles with doubt that I just went through, I feel too unsteady to learn about other religions, for I imagine I would have a panic attacking-wave of doubt if I don't wait to finish sorting out last year.

Do you ever wonder how one event in your life can have such a large impact on you? How one hole prodded into your child-like faith can cause all you've ever known to be questioned? It startles me. I long to just trust blindly, and I am improving, most certainly, but it is still really hard. I still sometimes burst into tears and think God's not real. I still sometimes struggle to know what's going on; what's spiritual attack and what's not. I am going for another round of healing prayer (the day before I get my wisdom teeth out...), and I'm really looking forward to more freedom. I know that I can come to a place of this freedom without the help of the prayer team, but more often than not as I try to pray my way through things, they get muddier, and I get more confused. Sometimes, there's just something reassuring of having someone look you in the eyes and tell you that you're loved, and that the Holy Spirit lives inside you.

The Stress

I know that when I get stressed out, the most important things are time with God, sleep and studying. Yet it feels like in this very stressful time, I do these things least of all! I feel like I'm living and breathing Paul's thoughts of doing what I do not want to do. I feel like in nearly every post on this blog, I'm talking about how much *more time I need to spend with God, and how I always do other things. Over the last year, the amount of time that I spend with God has increased a lot, but I know that it's not enough. For the next week, my friend M changed my facebook password so that I can't get on when I should be studying. It's still so easy to waste time. Why is it so easy to put other things first!? I've often wondered if it's because God doesn't always seem that tangible, and we need something responsive. And I know, God IS responsive. I'm just not always tuned into hearing Him. I have Bible Study tonight, and for once, I want to spend the HOUR before it praying and studying for the night. I know the beauty of prayer. I feel like an idiot sometimes, I really don't do what I want to. I signed up for some intercessory and spirit-lead sessions at Breakforth this year, and I'm hopeful that the Spirit will speak to me. I know that the Spirit doesn't need a place like Breakforth in order to speak to me, but sometimes it's hard to do on your own. Anyways, I should get back to studying. :)

A Comic Degined with Me in Mind!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I really felt that the artists at Cyanide and Happiness thought of me, when creating this comic. SO FUNNY.

Love is All That Matters

Today was so good. After a few very emotionally traumatic days, my small group thought a while praying over me was exactly what I needed - and you just have no idea how right they were. Jesus is so good and all I need. And He blessed me so thoroughly today (and last night at small group. Those girls are amazing stewards of His Love and I am so dang thankful!)!

Today, I received the joys of doing a crossword with two awesome friends, watching some business students practice a presentation (which was hilarious), had tea with someone SO special to me, and was able to talk to my best friend J on the phone for a good chunk of time!

It gets me to thinking... Jesus is so present in our everyday lives. It's the little things that are His greatest blessings to me. I am so blessed.

Last weekend I was able to volunteer for a night at our homeless shelter called the MustardSeed. It was probably one of the most impacting moments on my life. It was incredible just to watch the hockey game with the homeless. What amazed me the most was how they just accepted me and my friends like we were their own - but when do we do that for them? They were like a family, and they wanted us to be a part of it. The Church is also a family, and don't we want THEM to be a part of it?

Something else that really impacted me was a chat with a man who had gone from homeless druggie to bus driving Christian. He was telling us about how when he decided he was done with his life of sin, whenever things would go bad, he would just pray about it and had a peace that God would take care of him... and He did! This man was so full of faith. As a university student, I do understand not knowing what's going on in my life, and this man's words just spoke to me! Another thing was how willing the guy was to talk God. I don't consider myself to be afraid of talking about God, but I don't bring it up on my own all that often because I'm truthfully afraid of the bad connotations that come with calling yourself a Christian. And this just struck me that it doesn't matter how people react to my willingness to say that Jesus is the way! Jesus loves me, and LOVE is all that matters!

Let love explode and bring the dead to life...

Came to my Rescue - Hillsong United.

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

I'm Sensitive, and I'd Like to Stay that Way

Lately, I've really been realizing that I don't really know who I am. And by lately, I mean that since I started university, I'm realizing that I don't have a freaking clue who I am!

I know I'm Jesus' bride, I know that I'm loved by my heavenly father - the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, in case you were confused. But who does that make me?

And what's more, I've realized that I try and take on characteristics of other people that I think are cool. Example? My friend M is really laid back and cool in my eyes, and she is the farthest thing from an emotional person, so over the summer I tried to extinguish the emotional side of me, tried to develop a more sensible, logical side of me. It was a little damaging, as I wasn't being me to any degree. It was impossible, and only made me more frustrated. Another example? I have recently met a guy whom I am reasonably attracted to and really want to get to know, only because of my little crush I have a really difficult time talking to him. Not only that, but I seem to not act anything like me around him. I'm working on it... (PS, he's really, really cute! And SO freaking nice!!)

I just don't know how to be myself.

Well, this week I really want to figure myself out a bit. Who am I? haha. Anyways, I must get back to the books. In order to take Thursday off (to see DAVID CROWDER BAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), I need to get a lot of work done today and tomorrow. So, ciao!

That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion

Yeah, sorry, writing about Glee again. It seems that I have nothing better to say. :)

I'd really love to get everyone's opinion on this week's Glee.

This week, Kurt's dad ended up in the hospital in a coma, and everyone started breaking out their faiths.

I just wasn't sure what to think. The only thing that seemed genuine to me was the part where Sue's disabled sister says "God doesn't make mistakes; that's what I believe." And Sue almost cries as her sister offers to pray for her. This stuck with me; the rest, trying to 'find the faith for them', seemed so fake.

And it reminds me of the course my friend M is taking at St. Stephen's. Finding a God to suit your lifestyle - how is that dedication? How is that devotion? How is that laying down your life for a Saviour who died and payed for YOUR (my) sins? You can't sculpt Jesus into the easiest version of Him for you to follow.

I'm leading my small group in a study of Mere Christianity. Though we've only read chapter 1 of book 1, it's so thought provoking. Yes, we all agree there is a law of Human Nature. Where does that come from, then? Can you sculpt the law into something that works for you? Lewis seems to think that everyone tries to, but everyone also thinks that no one else has the right to.

I think I agree.

This whole post was probably extremely pointless, sorry. I'm just writing what I'm thinking.

Glee?

I'm just so opposed to how sexual Glee has become. It's my favourite tv show, but I just feel so uncomfortable with all of the sex appeal that they're only using to get ratings. I feel so awkward watching it, and I want to turn it off, but it's my favourite show...

Could it just be this episode, based on Britney Spears?

And even the whole gay thing. They're really playing it up, and I feel uncomfortable with that too.

This world is so blindly looking for purpose and worth, don't they see?

You were made to long for worth, and made to find and receive it from Christ.

Pathetic Failure?

I just feel like I've never done anything in my life. Nothing right, anyways. I've screwed up lots, and I've hurt a lot of people, but never have I ever gone through with something. I'm so lazy, and I'm not good enough for anything.

You know why I came to U of A? To go into Medicine. It was my dream for 7 years. And I just quit; I gave up.

And I'm falling back on counselling, which is something people always told me I'd be good at, and hey look, I don't even know if I can do that.

I feel so stupid right now.

And discouraged! Like, if this is supposed to be what I'm doing with my life, then why can't I get a VOLUNTEER position!?

That's who I am. The girl who gives up, I don't see anything through. I feel like, as the title says, a pathetic failure. Truthfully, I still want to be a doctor. I really, really do.

And I know, worldly ambitions don't matter, right? But Satan is so big on telling me that they do. He loves to point out that right now, according to the world, I'm worth nothing.

I'll really get down to it. Faith this year has been hard. I went through a lot, and the punches do keep coming.
And I know that I prayed before my interview for God's will not mine, and I'm trying SO hard to accept it.

Oh, boy, it was just 11:11 - I usually take that time to praise God. I must praise Him in these times. I must lift Him up!

So Thankful

I've been really blessed over the past few months by my C&C family at McKernan Baptist Church! I just got back from a games' night/worship/campfire with those guys, and I just feel so joyful! I'm realizing more and more how important community is. I really feel like we can lift each other up, and bring each other closer to Jesus. So many people from my extended family have blessed me by sharing their stories, wisdom and advice with me. I'm so thankful! I don't have anything else worthwhile to share right now... Classes are going well, I'm getting pretty involved everywhere and my small group has started off! I'm feeling pretty joyful tonight! Yay! Life! Oh, Happiness!

Cause and Effect

The people around me have too much influence on me.

I can think of so many ways where this is true. I have such a difficult time being true to who I know I am when I'm around my vibrantly nonChristian friends. I really struggle to uphold my beliefs. But what I want to talk about is how much I let people around me influence my emotions.

I should probably say now that I am an extremely emotional person, and my emotions have so much to do with everything about me. I know that makes no sense, but tonight, a girl I'd just met was really rude to me, and it just made me so sad and self conscious all night.

And here I am, trying to tell a friend that "meeting people's expectations isn't what really matters." When do I live THAT out? Never. I'm always trying to please everyone around me, and make them think I'm great.

What's most important?

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

Mark 12:28-31 says:

²⁸One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

²⁹"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' ³¹The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

So, what really matters? What people think of me? No. Their reactions to me should NOT effect who I am this deeply. I must let go of this.

PS - Healing prayer on Thursday! YAY!

How Come?

Sometimes, I'm just so fake.

I long, so badly, to be one of those people who truly lives for God. And I do, maybe 60% of the time. That number is getting bigger and bigger, but there is still so much of me that refuses to part with the world. I was watching some SkitGuys YouTube videos last night, and I came across this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfUzodLRvk

It really spoke to me. I'd watched this movie a few months ago, and the impact was much bigger this time. How many times do I put my hands in front of God's tools? How many times do I say "can't we deal with what I want to deal with!?" How come it's so easy to listen to the voices of the world, Satan's very own voice, telling me that Creation doesn't make sense, or that I'm better than another person? How come I can let fear consume me?

I know LOVE conquers, and I know that GOD IS LOVE. But how come I can forget?

How come I don't rely on this FACT every day? In every minute?

A few weeks ago, I sent a friend a Facebook message saying that without God, I don't think I could get through the day. How come, then, I can go through the whole day without praying, without relying on His strength, His Spirit? How come I can ignore His voice, if His Sheep know His voice? How come I can make my decisions according to what others would think of them?

How come?

Compassion And Anger

Last night, I read Jonah 4. I was really taken aback by what I found there, and I'd love to get other people's thoughts on it.

I just don't understand why Jonah is angry with God's compassion. I was praying through it last night, and I although I can't relate now, I know it's possible if I don't continue letting Jesus' love grow in me. What I understand the least is that Jonah was more than willing to take God's second chance for himself, but was angry that God gave Nineveh a second chance.

But, something equally enthralling? That even though God clearly disagrees with Jonah's anger, in verse six, "the LORD God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine."

So cool.

God also kills the vine the next day. Does it mean that God's compassion towards our sinfulness can run out?

What would have happened if Jonah had come around, even after God killed the vine?

This passage was just kinda crazy to me...

What are your thoughts? what does this mean to you, other than to not decide who God's compassion should belong to?

August Updates

It has been a very long time since I've blogged! I've been so busy with moving, organizing, jobs, friends, and life. I'm trying to get more and more involved at my church, McKernan Baptist, and I'm trying to do more reading in my personal time because I love the way it engages my brain. So, if any of you know of great Christian fiction or readable non-fiction, please let me know. Tonight a friend mentioned that she makes it her goal to finish 26 books a year (2 weeks per book), and I sure like this idea! So, I'll try and update what's been going on in my life without making this post obscenely long.

I've been really enjoying yoga these days! I love the feeling of awareness of my whole body it gives me. I've also become and organic/fair trade junkie, and I'm currently reading through the book of Acts. I'm looking at leading a small group through my church this year. I'm really longing for intimacy with God, through the Holy Spirit. I finally dropped off that healing prayer application this morning, and I'm hoping to finally deal with the more painful parts of my past.

Now for the part that's really affecting me lately. Recently, one of my friends confessed a sin to me - but she didn't really seem to find it a big deal, and planned to go on with it. She wasn't sorry, she just brought it up. So, after some very prayerful consideration, I decided to confront her on it. It got blown up - the evil surrounding my friend attacked me and protected her. It was terrifying. She ended up telling me to leave, or she'd call the cops. In this aftermath, I'm afraid our friendship won't be rekindled. It's sad, and my chats with God about it lead me to believe that I didn't say anything wrong, so I have to stick to my guns. I can't apologize for what I said if I believe it's true, and that I was supposed to tell her. Being a compulsive apologetic, this is tough. I'm thinking of telling her that I'm sorry about how it made her feel, and that I don't want to lose our friendship over this. I also think that with what she's going through, she needs as many loving friends as she can find. Ugh.

Anyways. I'm trying to spend less time on the internet, so I must go, but I will do my best to blog more often. Routine is coming! haha. September 8th is not too far away!

Herbal Tea and Fiction

Yeah, so if the title doesn't make sense, don't sweat it.

I'm feeling better today, stronger, and though I still feel totally lost, I have hope. I sorta wonder if the only reason that I get out of wack is that I stop spending time with God. And then, as I begin to make Him the focus again, I begin to grow again. It seems like it makes sense, but I get a feeling that it's not that easy.

For while that is true, we are also at war. Living in the middle of the biggest war in history. The war.

And since we're living at war, the last thing I need to be doing is living in an alternate reality.

Not only do I mean tv, books and the like, but my daydreaming problem needs to come to an end. I am bigger than this, for I have God. I think I'm going for healing prayer over this. Apparently, healing prayer is a pretty big deal in Christian circles. I was unaware of this ministry, and now that I'm feeling better, I feel like I don't need it... but could it really hurt?

Anyways, I'm trying to read a bit before bed every night, so I'm going to go. Night!

Oh, Happiness!

I'm going through some weird times.

Lately, I can't concentrate on God, I'm not myself, and I keep choosing the world. It really isn't who I am, but I can't leave it. Or, I'm trying to.

I don't have a lot to say. Last weekend, I went hiking in the Rockies. It was absolutely breathtaking - but I wasn't able to spend much time praising God for it, as I should. What's wrong with me!? I just don't understand. Why can't I fully commit! I seriously just want to give God my whole self, all of me, everything. But why can't I? What's holding me back? Half of the time, I think I have. Then, I realize I'm being called to live for Him, and that I'm not doing it.

Why can't I!?

I just don't understand what's going on. I'm fighting so many of the old enemies, and this time, I want to win in a permanent sense. I cannot win the fight on my own, but I have a king. The king. I know that God is faithful, even when I'm not. He is not dependent on who I am, thank GOD! But I need to live for Him. Fully. I need to give up the world. Fully.

And I need help.

Forgiveness and Guilt

Right when everything starts going right is when I screw up. Always.

For instance, life has really started to turn around. I was growing with God, my prayer life was growing, and I felt like I was on the right path.

Then I get body-checked by a problem I've had for years. I've always wanted to fit in. I've always wanted to be the girl who everyone wants to hang out with. And so last night, with K and G, I got wasted. Not just a little tipsy, but wasted.

And the sad part is, it was really fun. And one of my normal excuses for not drinking is "I'll do something stupid." But the thing is - I didn't do anything that I wouldn't have done sober. Which means I can't use that excuse anymore, even if it is valid.

So regardless, I felt extremely guilty. So I asked for forgiveness from Jesus. And yet, I still feel guilty. What do I do? I mean, I know I have been forgiven, but I still feel so ashamed. This isn't freedom!

Satan does this to us. He knows that we don't see things like God does - we don't see ourselves as blameless. And Satan knows that we don't understand that God DOES see things differently because His LOVE is different. Satan helps us to convince ourselves that we have screwed up our chances with God. Satan shouldn't have any footing here. So let's stop letting him have it.

Growing!

I feel like I'm growing so much right now. I feel so blessed, God is so good. He is reigning in my life. I was thinking today about how easy it is, during good times like these, to forget about our relationship with Him. How easy it is to forget to read Scripture, or spend empty time in prayer. Since moving into my new house, I've had a load of free time on my hands, and I have used most of it by hunting through Facebook or watching almost an entire season's worth of The Office. I'm looking forward to getting my iPod dock back tomorrow, so that I don't have to always have my computer on to listen to music. I want things to change!

I don't have much else to say, I'm sharing because I can? Haha. Maybe I'll share a verse!

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30.

I want to take refuge in God! I want to know Him!

Psalm 43

I've been praying through this Psalm recently, and it's been a blessing to me. Life is hectic, but God is providing and blessing. All of my life, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Psalm 43

Vindicate me, O God,
and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

To Leave, Return Home and Leave

I realized that it's been nearly a month since I posted anything.

I don't have much to say. A couple of weeks ago, I got caught in one of Satan's nets. It was a dreadful task, noticing that I had been snared by fear, laziness, lack of desire, and more doubt (among other things). I received prayer/prayed, and I think I'm being picked back up by Jesus. It hurts, it takes effort, and it's challenging, but I am seeing light everywhere as I get closer and closer.

I'm moving back to Edmonton in 4 days, and I couldn't be more stressed. God has, however, been taking care of me, and I'm certain he'll find somewhere for me to live. I know it will be ok, and I have seen amazing answers to prayer! Praise God!

Well, I must get back to reality. I'll hopefully have more to say in the future?

Golden Balloons

This is a story that I wrote for Miss Jessica Muckle one day while I was supposed to be paying attention in cell bio. I'd "love to know what my readers think." HAHAHAHAH. Enjoy.


Once upon a time, there was a red sweater, a balloon and a hankie. One day, a little boy was bouncing on the balloon, and it popped.
The little boy began to cry, so he wiped his face with his hankie. After that, he decided to put on his red sweater and go outside.
Outside, he saw a dragon breathing fire at a little girl. He ran after the dragon with his sword!
The dragon, using its tail, swept the two children onto his back, and began to fly away. The children were too terrified to jump off.
Soon, night had fallen and the dragon had taken the children to a secret cave.
The dragon began to walk to the back of the cave, and the children didn't know what to do, so they decided to follow him.
The dragon led them to an underground tunnel. Suddenly, two trolls jumped out and began to run towards the children with their teeth bared and claws ready.
The dragon roared, and then burned the trolls to a crisp.
The dragon continued to lead the children down the tunnel. Finally, they reached a massive golden door. The dragon, opening the door, was suddenly illuminated by a glow protruding from the room.
The children ran to the door, and were in awe of the great shining treasure heaps that filled the room.
The dragon told them that he was very lonely, and longed to have some friends to play with in his massive heap of treasure.
He found a golden balloon. Handing it to the boy, he said that this balloon would never pop.
The boy sat on the balloon and began to float!
The children had a wonderful night playing with the dragon and his treasure. Soon, the sun began to rise and the children realized that their parents would soon begin to worry.
The dragon took the children on his back.
Shortly before dropping them off, he thanked them for playing with him and said that he hoped that he would see them again soon.
The children were never the same again, and whenever night fell, the children both glowed like the treasure that belonged to the dragon.
The End.
Copyright, Robin Hansen 2010.

Fruit: Forbidden & Free

I know, it's been ages since I wrote.

Welcome Harbour has been a total blessing. It's been amazing to be in such easy, undistracted communication with God, and to be surrounded by sisters and brothers in the faith. I have a sense of big things happening during the circumcision of my heart that I've been praying for. So far, I've been challenged to trust God more. I also know that I'm going to have to deal with some fears this summer.

I've also been discovering that I don't have a servant's heart - I am selfish and so quick to serve myself. I'm praying for God's help in seeking Him!

Something I was thinking about today: what do you think the connection between fruit is in the bible?

I mean, in the beginning, we ate the forbidden fruit. And now, when we accept Jesus we receive the Spirit, which comes with a whole new list of FRUITS that are free! (Galatians 5:22-23). I wonder the significance here? Forbidden becomes free?

Anyways, I really need to get to bed. I'll hopefully have time to blog again before I leave on Tuesday! Night!

Trying to Fly

I am leaving for Welcome Harbour tomorrow, and I am very excited!

I'm excited for going on our own schedules, for spending time with my closest of friends, and for growing closer to God.

The latter is, of course, the one I'm the most excited about. I am so terrible. I need to be closer, and I know this and should be making the effort now. But somehow, I'm not.

This morning my mother and I got into a huge fight before I left for church, over something that wasn't anything. I got to church, and began to worship.

It was empty, and I felt God saying "Oh, now you'd like to worship me. You weren't worshiping me in your relationship with your mom this morning..."

I needed to ask for forgiveness, both from God and from my mom. But I think my whole life is like this. I'm so good at church. I listen and take notes, I have my hands in the air. I read my bible. It's so easy to do while I'm there, but I don't live like that all of the time.

And even though I know these things, nothing changes.

Heartbreaks in the Maydays

I am sending many mayday calls to God this week, as my heartbreak over my best friend worsens and worsens.

I am so hurt. I just want to know why he's ignoring me. I can't work with him just ignoring me. After many heart to hearts with many important people, I know that I should be just waiting. But I can't. I just can't stop texting and calling my very best friend. I love him to pieces. He is my brother. Other than Jesus, there is nobody that I love as much as I love Dean. This is so hard.

I wouldn't be getting through this if it weren't for Jesus. I want Him to have glory in this.

Not only does God keep telling me that He's gone through this even worse, He keeps telling me to seek Him. And it's all I want to do. But how? And why don't I?

I totally blog about this all the time. I need to seek God, I need to be near God. But when do I ever put any effort into it?

And what holds me back? Let me tell you what I did today. Today, I went to boot camp, sat around on facebook, watched 8-9 episodes of the Office. I watched more tv. I mowed the lawn a little bit. I screwed up on a couple things, and asked forgiveness. I hung out with 2 of my girls. And now I'm blogging, barely able to keep my eyes open. Where is there God time in there? I need to be deliberate. I need to show with all of me, not just my words, that Jesus deserves everything I've got. I have been doing the little things with Him, just finding myself in prayer randomly, but nothing like it should be.

I've been slightly improving since being home for the summer, but with all of my free time I should be spending a thousands times more than what I am.

My heart aches. It is broken, and this is a pain I have never experienced before. I know that I don't go through it alone, and that God is near me now during this time.

What would you do?

Turning In

Today I was out for a run, and I suddenly noticed my heart was totally in a state of worship. It was really amazing, and I've never realized how beautiful the trail that I used to run every Thursday after chemistry was. God's creation is so amazing, and sometimes I wonder how I can ever stay in one place while there is still SO much of His creation left to see!

Dean is still ignoring me. It hurts so much, and I just don't know how to handle it. It is really comforting to know that God knows how I feel. I've been thinking about Hosea 2:13 where it says:

"'she went after her lovers, but me she forgot,' Declares the LORD".

I know that I live this way so often. I don't want to hurt God like that anymore. I want to live for Him in every minute of my life. Sometimes this means giving up little things, like a TV show that doesn't bring Him glory. Sometimes, it means giving up bigger things, like a friendship that drags you away from God's purpose. I'm thinking about denying myself. Wow, and here I thought I didn't have anything to blog about today! I feel like I have lots to think about too.

I'm so excited to spend my next 2 months at Welcome Harbour. I feel like my soul is going to be so very healthy after this summer. I just wanna live for Him, and grow closer to Him. I want my faith to be stronger after this summer.

I want to see God this summer.

It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Oh, man. I feel like I'm getting a sense of God's heartbreak. Let me explain.

My very, very best friend is a guy who I call my twin brother. Even though Dean and I only met just over a year ago, we are extremely tight. He's the only person that I know like the back of my hand. We've had a few kinda rough times, but as he likes to say, I'm "stuck with him." I love him to pieces, but right now he's breaking my heart.

A few weeks ago, Dean was the lead in his high school's musical, so he was too busy to keep up the texting and talking. Suddenly, he was altogether ignoring me. I was starting to really worry, and he wasn't replying to any of my texts. I texted him from my friend's phone, and he responded right away. I told him it was me, and then he ignored me again!

He's still ignoring me. It's so painful. And while I was praying about it, I felt like God was kinda just raising His Heavenly Eyebrows, in a sort of "I go through that daily, and tenfold" way. I realized that this must be similar to what God feels when we ignore Him, when we take our road instead of His.

Plus, God's heartbreak is a billion times larger than mine. If my heart is hurting this badly over my brother pushing me out of his life, I don't even comprehend how much it must hurt a Father who loves us so when most of the world, followers and non-followers, push Him away. How sorry I feel for all of the times I've done that to God.

This reminds me of Genesis 6:6 The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

Compilation

Wow, it has been a long time since I've sat down and really blogged. But that's the plan for tonight!

Today, I finished the first quarter of my undergraduate degree in Psychology. While it does seem a little bit exciting, I'm still very nervous about not knowing what God's plans are for my life. Luckily, my summer plans involve soul-growing more than anything else. I just want to grow towards Him.

Sadly, I've been very terrible at focusing on God lately. It's been the most frustrating thing. I think some of it is from exams and studying and trying to say good bye to my family here, but some of it is very strange. Example: during worship, I'm really distracted, and it wasn't until Sunday night that I could get into it. Another example? I can't pray very easily right now. It's just hard to concentrate. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I can pray for safety and focus. It'll come.

I've also been really bad at putting time into God. It's hard, because I still sometimes wonder about His existence. It's ridiculous, because I know I'll never walk away, but it's also really frustrating. Is it attack, or is it me?

I'm going to find out so much this summer, I just know that I'm going to be growing like a weed. But a good weed, you know?

I swear, I had something really good to blog about tonight, but now I can't remember. Even with my exams being done, my to-do list is brimming with distracting things that I NEED to finish before I leave Wednesday morning.

I'll hopefully have something worth reading soon, once I'm not so busy!

Do You Love Me Enough?

Guys, I know it's been forever. And it's not that I don't have anything to talk about! I've been so busy, with finals and making life decisions.

I'm trying to stay in Edmonton for the summer. This would be a lot easier if my best friend wasn't asking me to choose between her and here. This is a hard struggle. All the same, I'm trying to seek God's will. Which reminds me, I really need to spend some time with Him before bed tonight. Which is pretty soon.

I've been thinking. On Sunday (yesterday...) I heard two sermons about earthly belongings, essentially. What occurred to me was that I don't struggle with belongings, money, etc. I struggle with people.

For me, fitting in has always been the most important thing on my to do list. The more people I felt close with, the more important and valuable I felt. I need to somehow search for my value in Christ, right? But what does that look like!?

I hope that wherever this summer takes me, I can hear the answer to this and my many, many other questions.

I hope that I can grow in Christ a lot this summer, cutting ties with the things that distract me and drag me away from Him.

This is probably a lot of babbling garbage to you, but I'm very concerned with everything right now. I need to figure stuff out. I need to see the truth.

Of course, His word is the Lamp to my feet. I should go read it. Night!

Doors so Closed

Oh, life is beautiful!

I cannot really explain it, because I think it's mostly supposed to stay between me and God, but as of Sunday, I really, really want to date God. And just everything is so encouraging and uplifting. He is amazing.

I'm amazed at what happened, though I still hardly know what it was.

Also, I'm still struggling with setting time out. I think it's time to start getting up early again for devotionals.

I think next year has a lot in store, though I'm not so sure of what it is. I know that for one thing, I've been talking about going on a missions trip next summer with some of my [church] family. I'm thrilled about that. God's got plans to grow me, I think!

I wish I had some epic thought to share, but I don't. I just wanted to update everyone and say that my life is beautiful, and I am so blessed.

Hopefully I'll have something worthwhile to say soon!

I'm also bald, by the way.

Married

I have heard from people that "admitting we have a problem is the first step." And yet, I always feel like admitting it does nothing. I don't know where the second step is. But I guess I'll come out today and honestly admit something that I am struggling with.

It kinda comes with a story.

A few months ago, I realized (I don't want to say "God told me," but He kinda did. I think...) that I'm supposed to be single for awhile. I thought it would be about a year, and I was chill with it because I wasn't interested in anyone at the time. I knew that there were good reasons to it and that God wanted me to grow in Him, but it wasn't a big deal to me.

After the Christmas holidays, I came back and met a wonderful guy. I fell for him almost instantly, and we started hanging out on a friendlier level in no time. We had the "more than friends" talk, and agreed to fast from each other for a week to seek God's face on it.

I don't know what happened. I do know that God showed me that I wasn't allowed to date him, but I wanted it so badly that I blamed my uneasy feelings on other things. I do know that I should have said no when he asked me out. I don't know why this man didn't hear the same things from God; this was very unnerving. I do know why I said yes: I wanted to be loved.

Dating him was fun, warming and exciting. He is a great guy! But the feelings of not being at peace, of knowing something was off didn't go away. God gave me sign after sign that I needed to wait, but I didn't. I realized a few weeks into our relationship that the feelings weren't going to go away. So I broke up with the guy, and broke my heart.

Why am I telling you this? Oh, I don't know. I think it's that I was looking for the fulfilling love of a husband, the kind that I need to know from God first, in this man. I do it in almost all of my relationships. I don't think it's that I don't believe that God loves me. I mean, I don't know very much. This probably isn't making very much sense, but I am getting to the point, soon!

So, I'm doing this dating God thing. Then, a few days ago, I learned that it's gonna be longer than a year, and while this is right, it hurt. Actually it stings. So here comes my confession.

I don't want to date God.

I mean, I do. I want to want it, is more like it. But I don't want it like I should. I don't feel that fulfillment and contentment in God. I am almost positive that this is the purpose for my singleness, along with other things perhaps, but I don't know where to begin looking for it. It sounds so horrible to say that, but it's honest. My prayers tonight were laced with phrases that asked God to make me want to date Him. More.

I don't know if any of this made sense. This is just what I'm going through right now, and it's no big deal. I know that in the end, I'll be so in love with God that I can't see straight! :) But this is what's up with me, and I'm looking for answers.

Most of all, I'm really looking for God. With my heart. And I know that I'm gonna find Him.

He is my husband.

Rediscover You by Starfield

A great song!

I need to just admit
my faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out
On religion

I say an empty prayer
I sing a tired song
I need to just admit that the passion's gone

And I want to get it back

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

I want to learn to pray
The way that David prayed
I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name
I want to feel like new
I want to hunger for you
Bring me back to life like only You can do
Cause I don't want to stay the same

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

Lord, I want to be Yours today
I want to know the passion of the saints
And how they were changed

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move

I want to burn for You
Bring me back to life, Jesus
Help me rediscover You

Life and Times

Hey everyone. This morning I donated blood, finally breaking my six min record for 5 mins and 55 seconds. Yep. Quite an accomplishment for someone who isn't even sure if she has veins. Okay, it's not quite like that, but my veins are hard to find. If you're looking for them. Which I don't suspect that you are.

Alright, anyways, I was realizing this morning while I was walking to the Blood Clinic that during my period of doubt/suffering, I spent loads of time with God, and nothing else mattered. Since things have improved, why the hey-diddle-diddle has it been so easy for me to be so complacent?

It's very horrible. When I finish blogging today, I need some God time.

I'm really excited; my friend Melody and her family are having me over for Easter weekend. I was very surprised by their offer, and it meant so much! I'm looking forward to getting out of the city and spending time with her/her family! They're awesome people; they hosted us for the sunrise service!

Which reminds me - the sunrise service was BEAUTIFUL! Firstly, God put on an amazing show. It was so cool to worship Him while the sun was coming up - it provoked an awareness of His Power! Secondly, the people were awesome sauce. I met some new friendies, and bonded further with some not-so-new friendies. It was great.

I was thinking last night while I was walking home. I know, weird. But, it was a very, very windy night and I was thinking that we stop and worship a great God because we see His Power in the wind - and the best part is that the wind is such a little feat for God. Like, a windstorm here is probably God just blinking or something. A tornado? Oh, God must've snapped His Fingers. Can you imagine if He clapped!?

Not saying this is what goes on in Heaven, just saying that our God is powerful and worthy of all. :)

My Weekend by Google Images

This is my weekend, according to Google Images Search. Enjoy.

Mind Blown by Mercy

I'd have to say that this probably has a very misleading title. You're probably thinking "Oooh, a story about how God has shown her rich mercy today, how exciting!" Well, sorry to let you down, but that's not what this post is about.

[That said, God's mercy is INCREDIBLE and I don't even get how big it is sometimes. He's wow.]

I just took a spiritual gifts test. I don't know how to feel about the results. My top 3 highest scores are as follows:

1. Showing Mercy
2. Leadership
3. Pastoring/Shepherding

These were followed by things like administration, evangelism and related things.

Okay, leadership - maybe we all saw this coming. And maybe even pastoring sounds like me (I wouldn't know...).

But showing mercy?

I have never known this to be one of my gifts. What does that mean? How do I use that? Do I still get to serve in the church? Am I supposed to be serving? I long to serve others. I'm so confused!

On the other hand, this is a very humbling gift to have - even if I don't believe that it is true.

It's wild, mercy is something I only associate with God. I feel like I can't have this gift; it's not of Earth. I guess I'm not either... but what does this all mean? How could a human have a quality that is strictly HIS?! It's weird. I'm honoured, but plagued by disbelief that I could actually share this gift with the Divine Creator.

But isn't that what all spiritual gifts are, then? Qualities that we share with God because of the presence of His Spirit?

So have I always had this gift?

What I mean is, I sometimes struggle with knowing that my gift of leadership is of God. I feel like there are a lot of non-followers who share this gift too, which is weird for me. As someone put it the other day, my leadership is leadership in my [church] family, where as others just have the capability to lead. And I know we're all created in His image, so we're all going to mirror some of His qualities, which are all amazing.. But is showing mercy something that only appears once we've received divine mercy?

How could I have shown mercy before, not knowing what it was?

And I still have no idea what mercy is, exactly. I'm gonna need to study this. I will never know what this cost God, to show me mercy. I feel like me showing others mercy costs me nothing. Are the two even alike?!

How do I use this gift? In the same way that I have been (apparently)?

Wait, what does that mean?

On tomorrow's to-do list, I've got to take a personality test that links up with this spiritual gifts test and proposes some areas in which I could/should serve in the church.

It's exciting, but also sorta scary. I feel analyzed by a small booklet. Haha.

Wow, I am looking forward to diving into the Word tomorrow morning. I know there are answers there.

This picture (above) was on the Google image search for 'merciful.' Beautiful? I think so.

Something I share? I don't see it.