things learned

today I am 23 years old. although I definitely don't want to be one of those people who gripes about being old while still in my early twenties, I feel a little freaked out by 23. I know for a long time, I thought I'd have my life all figured out by 23. but I don't. I don't really have anything figured out, but I have learned a lot of things, especially over the past year.

A Starbucks birthday cake pop is the best way to celebrate.

while I may go into 23 still telling people that I'm 21, here are 22 things I learned about myself, relationships, and life while I was 22.

one: it's okay to say no, and to express what you really want.

two: and a follow up to number one, it's okay to not know what you're doing with your life, and it's okay to say that out loud [still learning this one]

three: moisturizing your skin is the most important thing in the world. or, well, it's up there.

four: love doesn't always work out. this was probably the hardest lesson I've learned over the past year, but also one of the most valuable.

five: I am a girly-girl. I think for a long time I tried to think I was "one of the guys," but I finally learned this year that a) I am not "one of the guys" and b) it's okay to be girly.

six: feminism is not about female supremacy. I think this past year, I learned that I am a feminist.

seven: being an auntie is the best thing in the whole wide world.

eight: it's okay to not be okay.

nine: being strong doesn't mean you're not hurting. it means that you can face your hurt with bravery.

ten: sometimes champagne is the answer:

eleven: people watching is sometimes the best way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

twelve: Dr. Seuss is pretty much the best philosopher in the world.

thirteen: sometimes you don't know what you like or don't like until you try it. so try it.

fourteen: you won't meet your future Mr or Mrs Right on some dating app. you'll need to download and delete the app several hundred times before you realize this.

fifteen: it's important to never stop learning.

sixteen: be yourself. the truth about who you are will always come out, so you may as well be you from the start.

seventeen: it's okay to keep reading seventeen magazine. but it's also okay to exchange it for a cosmo. you do you.

eighteen: that thing that you waste all of your time doing? it's not time wasted. it's what you should be doing.

nineteen: in the end, things won't matter. invest in relationships, not retail. (wow, I'm deep)

twenty: going to bed early is AWESOME.

twenty-one: Beyonce, hot chocolate and a good book are usually a good cure for anything.

twenty-two: learning to love yourself is the hardest thing you may ever do. but it's also the most important.

there's my list! what are some of your life lessons?

the friendzone

Today, I want to talk about an issue that annoys the crap out of me: the concept of the friendzone.

Imagine that Harry really likes Sally. Sally is not interested in Harry, but she appreciates having him as a friend. Harry becomes determined to win Sally's affections, and is the nicest, sweetest and kindest he can possibly be towards her. Still, Sally is uninterested in Harry in that way. He begins to smother her with affection, and Sally pushes Harry away. Harry's friends laugh at him and point out that Sally has totally "friend-zoned" him - Harry cannot believe that girls are only interested in bad boys and would never be interested in a nice guy like him! Sally is suuuch a bitch!

As if because Harry is a nice guy, Sally owes it to him to no longer consider him "just a friend." The friend zone is some made up construct for people to deal with the fact that someone else does not have feelings for them. Plain and simple - someone is not a jerk for not wanting to date you. We've turned Sally into a bad person because she doesn't want to date Harry even though he's a nice guy!? We're ignoring the actual reasons that Sally isn't interested in Harry - she's not attracted to him, doesn't feel anything beyond friendship for him + has feelings for whatshisname.

This concept is dangerous, and the media perpetuates it. We see so many countless movies where one person has major, unreciprocated feelings for someone else... and at the end, the other person magically has a change of heart.

Obviously, there are situations where a friendship can blossom into more. Where friends-feelings can change into more than friends-feelings.

But, bottom line: if you're being friends with someone simply because you hope to eventually date or have sex with them, you're the jerk.

ENFP Confessions #6

I've said it a billion times: I love people. Most of the time I think this is my favourite thing about myself and my greatest strength.

I care about people instantly, and I have a really hard time having acquaintances - I want to be friends with everyone. I love people's stories and I love getting to know people on a deeper level.

While this is a huge benefit to being an ENFP, in a lot of ways it is exhausting and challenging. This became the height of exhausting and challenging in this break up that I'm going through. Being in love was a strange experience.

For me, what set apart loving someone and being in love with someone was an unconditional trust. Obviously, I'm still early in the break up process, but I kind of think that being in love is being bonded with someone for life. At least for this ENFP. Trusting someone on that level pieces them into your identity and soul. It's magnificent and terrifying all at once. And I don't think that just goes away. Maybe Hopefully it changes in time, but I can't imagine it ever going away. Being in love may always be a part of who I am.

This might be an experience shared by all of MBTI, but I think it's a bit of an ENFP thing. Loving people is such an important part of my life, loving people defines me. I can't imagine un-loving anyone. Loving someone is forever... right?

how to survive a breakup

it's pretty weird how one day, someone is your everything, and the next day you're not really allowed to talk to them. In the span of a 20 minute conversation, everything changes: this person that once consumed your thoughts, future plans and so much of your time is no longer a part of your life. Isn't that weird?

break ups really, really suck. This is not my first rodeo, so I know how to beat get through the break-up blues. Through the first few days, you gotta give yourself time to mourn. Eat, cry, be angry, have bellinis, watch movies, cry some more, eat more, read books, cry even more. Stay in bed for the whole day. I also like to sprinkle cleaning and self-care into the first few days. Cleaning because it's easy to basically burn your whole house down in the process of hating the universe. Self-care because it's easy to basically burn your whole body down in the process of hating the universe. Get some exercise, give yourself a facial, paint your nails. Whatever makes you happy. After those first few days, put on some real pants leggings and face the world. Order the full fat drink at starbucks, spend time with friends and carry on with your life. You'll still be incredibly sad, you'll still be hurting - but you've gotta actively try to love yourself and heal.

there's no real timeline here, but when you're ready, your mind will automatically enter phase 3 of the break up - it doesn't really hurt anymore, you're not plagued by sadness + you're mostly all healed up.

to me the hardest part of a breakup is correcting that mental routine of thinking about your ex-partner. For the past three years, I've only really thought about one person - it's really tough to convince your brain to not think about that person! but like any habit, over time it becomes a lot easier. The other hard part of a break up, for me, is allowing myself to experience the sadness, the hurt and all of the other emotions associated with break ups. I put such a big pressure on myself to "just be okay" because I think that's what others want from me. But this time, I'm trying pretty hard to let myself experience all of the crappy stuff because I really think that's the best way to heal after this kind of hurt.

remember who you are. That's the most important thing. You're worth so much and you deserve the best. 

change

Today, I finished my undergraduate degree. What a crazy feeling! I have been a student at the ualberta for 5 years - it's such a crazy time for change. I'm also going through a break up, getting involved at a new job, exploring new volunteer opportunities and trying new creativity projects. What a weird time in my life. Things feel out of control and stressful, but also exciting and energizing.

I know it's been a solid while since I've blogged. Firstly, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who reached out to me after my last post. Secondly, it was hard to imagine writing another post after a post that vulnerable. It's not like I could just pop in an ENFP confession and pretend I hadn't just bared my soul to all of the internet. But now that school is out and my life is going in a new direction, I'm hoping to find the time to blog more often - and maybe to give my blog a bit of a makeover & a new direction.

I just wanted to share these little updates, but also I wanted to have an excuse to sign my name:

Much love,

Robin Hansen, B.Sc.

cold

For a long while now I've been struggling with Christianity. Although I haven't talked much about it, it's been at least a year that I've been really struggling with the big questions. Could there really be a Heaven? Does prayer really work? Does God even exist? If yes, why are we sure Christianity is the answer?
This has been a really hard struggle for me... Previously, Christianity was my identity & my everything. Exploring life outside of that has been exciting, traumatic and exhausting. But I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be right now and the journey that I'm supposed to be on. While I could talk about that for hours (and probably reach no better conclusion), the doubt and exploration aren't why I'm writing this post.
I've always been the kind of person to have a lot of close personal relationships, but until I began questioning my religious beliefs it had never occurred to me that so many of my relationships were based on my faith.
When my exploration of life outside of Christianity began, I immediately felt separated from so many people who I would have considered to be my closest friends. For awhile, I wondered if it was just in my head. I wondered if I was the one creating those boundaries to protect myself from being swayed back into the faith. Being that I've always found it challenging to share my deep struggles with even my closest friends, I thought this was another example of that. So I made it a new years resolution to myself to reach out to my Christian girlfriends and try to reconnect - particularly the seven that I'd had the closest relationships with.
I met up with one friend in January, and shared these thoughts with her. She assured me wholeheartedly that my disenchantment with Christianity would/should have no effect on my relationships. She told me that I would always be welcome & valued. And I believed her.
Fast forward to this weekend. One of the seven girlfriends invited everyone to get together and pray for another of the seven. Instantly, I felt conflicted. I love these girls. So wholeheartedly. And I want to support them in any way that I can. But being that I've been reluctant to share my struggle with Christianity, I was immediately concerned that they would expect me to be a certain way. Prayerful, to put a word on it. And I have been prayerful as I've explored my journey. Not always perfectly, and not always directed at a Christian God exactly, but prayerful. But I don't know what I think of prayer and it's kind of a strange area for me right now. So I was conflicted.
I texted two of the seven girlfriends to ask for their advice. I can't really even share how hard it was for me to take that step of vulnerability and be honest about where I was on the prayer situation. I guess I kind of expected them to tell me to come to show my support anyways. What I got (from both of them) was literally the opposite.

They both told me not to come.

In nicer words, of course, but it was still just as hurtful. One actually said that for prayer to be effective, everyone present had to be in agreement... I'm sorry - since when can an all powerful God only answer prayers if everyone in the room believes in Him? It is not like I disagreed with the reasons for the prayer either...  I feel like promising that you're not trying to be offensive doesn't make your statement unoffensive and doesn't give you free reign to be offensive. These friends answered my vulnerability with rejection.
I guess I feel somewhat lost and abandoned. Am I being a drama queen? Or were their actions cold, as I'm interpreting them to be?

ENFP Confessions #3

Relationships are probably the most important thing in the world to me. I love people in general, and I've been known to tell people that I don't do acquaintances. We either are friends, or we're not friends, and there's no real in between for me. My relationships are part of my identity. In the words of my favourite ENFP...

I have a really hard time letting go of my relationships. The getting to know someone process is incredibly life changing for me with any relationship, particularly deeper relationships. My relationships become a huge part of who I am; it's challenging for me to accept that sometimes the most healthy thing is to take a break from a relationship.

I know this post seems kind of serious, but it's something I'm seriously thinking about tonight. Sometimes, letting go of the things we hold dearest can allow us to be extraordinarily free. 

ENFP Confessions #2

I'm intensely passionate about an extremely wide array of things... and all of those things don't necessarily go together, either.

Seriously, I'm really hyper-passionate. Sex, faith, singing, education, human rights and social justice, fairtrade, writing, getting to know others... the list goes on. At least there's somewhat of a common element; you can kind of narrow down the list. I really love people!

And I hear a lot of other ENFPs have this struggle too! I regularly wonder if I'll ever decide what I want to be when I grow up. If I ever grow up, that is. It's so hard to figure out what "my thing" is... I guess I both love and hate this about myself. I love that I love so many things. But I also desperately wish that I at least had an idea of what my future would hold.

In the end, I think I'll keep living a life of happiness and love. To be totally honest, as confusing as being hyper-passionate can be, my life is very full of love and joy because of it. So... I think I'll just embrace this hyper-passionate part of myself - it is, after all, a pretty good problem to have.