coffee date

let's have a coffee date. you + me. right now. 

why? because I have something personal on my heart, and it's easier to share something personal when you've got a hot chai tea latte or iced caramel macchiato in your hands.

do you ever just get the explicit feeling that you have no idea who you are? sure, if someone asks, you can give a list of the things you enjoy (starbucks, movies, psychology) and the things you do (work, watch movies, study), but can you really tell someone who you are? is that because you don't know who you are, or because it's far more complex than you can share in words?

I think it can be both. but even when I'm alone with my thoughts, I still don't really know who I am. I don't know what makes me special, or what my purpose in life is. I feel so much anxiety when someone says "tell me about yourself" that I often just ramble on and on and make no sense whatsoever.

I want to say yes to finding myself and yes to my adventure... but where do I even start? 

visited

As you may have noticed, I haven't posted for a week - I was on vacation visiting my family in BC. I chose not to pre-prepare blog entries because I literally had no time to sit down and plan things out in the week before I left, and I didn't want to just throw together a post for the sake of posting. But I'll be back to regular content on Monday.

This was a really special trip to me because it was the first time I got to meet my nephew + godson Jacob. He is so sweet and I love him so much! I'm already missing him and his cuddles like crazy! Here are a few snaps of my little visit to the tiny, rainy town I come from.

how to survive a breakup

it's pretty weird how one day, someone is your everything, and the next day you're not really allowed to talk to them. In the span of a 20 minute conversation, everything changes: this person that once consumed your thoughts, future plans and so much of your time is no longer a part of your life. Isn't that weird?

break ups really, really suck. This is not my first rodeo, so I know how to beat get through the break-up blues. Through the first few days, you gotta give yourself time to mourn. Eat, cry, be angry, have bellinis, watch movies, cry some more, eat more, read books, cry even more. Stay in bed for the whole day. I also like to sprinkle cleaning and self-care into the first few days. Cleaning because it's easy to basically burn your whole house down in the process of hating the universe. Self-care because it's easy to basically burn your whole body down in the process of hating the universe. Get some exercise, give yourself a facial, paint your nails. Whatever makes you happy. After those first few days, put on some real pants leggings and face the world. Order the full fat drink at starbucks, spend time with friends and carry on with your life. You'll still be incredibly sad, you'll still be hurting - but you've gotta actively try to love yourself and heal.

there's no real timeline here, but when you're ready, your mind will automatically enter phase 3 of the break up - it doesn't really hurt anymore, you're not plagued by sadness + you're mostly all healed up.

to me the hardest part of a breakup is correcting that mental routine of thinking about your ex-partner. For the past three years, I've only really thought about one person - it's really tough to convince your brain to not think about that person! but like any habit, over time it becomes a lot easier. The other hard part of a break up, for me, is allowing myself to experience the sadness, the hurt and all of the other emotions associated with break ups. I put such a big pressure on myself to "just be okay" because I think that's what others want from me. But this time, I'm trying pretty hard to let myself experience all of the crappy stuff because I really think that's the best way to heal after this kind of hurt.

remember who you are. That's the most important thing. You're worth so much and you deserve the best. 

on anxiety

A few months ago, a friend of mine uploaded a picture of herself on instagram and included a long paragraph about her mental health status. This inspired me to write a post about my anxiety problems - I think it's so important for open and honest communication. These things will help erase the negative stigma surrounding mental health and can make it easier for others to reach out for help.

Having said that, I've written and rewritten this post a billion times. It's so hard to talk about and I wanted it to be perfect. Which is ironic, when you consider the source of my mental health issues.
But here I am, writing a post about my mental health. This isn't easy, but I just wanna share where I'm at.

I've known for awhile that I have an anxiety disorder. A few years ago I was sexually assaulted and I spiraled into a dizzy, exhausting few weeks of excruciating anxiety. I had panic attack after panic attack. Although this wasn't my first encounter with anxiety, this was the first time I'd felt like it was unmanageable. So I went to counselling - and sure enough. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

So over the past few years I've had ups and downs with my anxiety - learning that I had an anxiety disorder was liberating. I met others who had anxiety spectrum issues, and I learned how to manage anxiety.

I began exploring where I think my anxiety started. I think it started in childhood, as so many things do. I've always put such a massive pressure on myself to be perfect. When you look at me as a person, you probably wouldn't notice that I'm a perfectionist. And I'm probably not, by traditional definitions. But I have this massive, unhealthy desire for everyone to think I'm perfect. I feel like my worth comes from how close to perfect I am.

Over the last few months, as I've been exploring life outside of Christianity, I've also come up to a massive identity crisis. If I'm not a Christian, which was previously the only thing I would use to define myself, then who am I? Add that crisis to the hardest academic year I've ever had and some issues in some personal relationships... you see where this is going!

In December, I had the most overwhelming mental breakdown of my life. I felt like everything was meaningless, I was worthless and I felt so so SO stressed out by my life. I became a bit of a zombie through exams and then went home for Christmas. And I continued to have panic attacks over the holiday.

When I came back in January, I knew I needed to head back to counselling. And so I have. And I am on the path to managing my anxiety. I think anxiety is part of the human experience - I doubt very much that I will ever be completely anxiety free. But I am in control of my anxiety, not the other way around.

Probably should have been anxious to be sitting 1500 feet above Chicago!

cold

For a long while now I've been struggling with Christianity. Although I haven't talked much about it, it's been at least a year that I've been really struggling with the big questions. Could there really be a Heaven? Does prayer really work? Does God even exist? If yes, why are we sure Christianity is the answer?
This has been a really hard struggle for me... Previously, Christianity was my identity & my everything. Exploring life outside of that has been exciting, traumatic and exhausting. But I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be right now and the journey that I'm supposed to be on. While I could talk about that for hours (and probably reach no better conclusion), the doubt and exploration aren't why I'm writing this post.
I've always been the kind of person to have a lot of close personal relationships, but until I began questioning my religious beliefs it had never occurred to me that so many of my relationships were based on my faith.
When my exploration of life outside of Christianity began, I immediately felt separated from so many people who I would have considered to be my closest friends. For awhile, I wondered if it was just in my head. I wondered if I was the one creating those boundaries to protect myself from being swayed back into the faith. Being that I've always found it challenging to share my deep struggles with even my closest friends, I thought this was another example of that. So I made it a new years resolution to myself to reach out to my Christian girlfriends and try to reconnect - particularly the seven that I'd had the closest relationships with.
I met up with one friend in January, and shared these thoughts with her. She assured me wholeheartedly that my disenchantment with Christianity would/should have no effect on my relationships. She told me that I would always be welcome & valued. And I believed her.
Fast forward to this weekend. One of the seven girlfriends invited everyone to get together and pray for another of the seven. Instantly, I felt conflicted. I love these girls. So wholeheartedly. And I want to support them in any way that I can. But being that I've been reluctant to share my struggle with Christianity, I was immediately concerned that they would expect me to be a certain way. Prayerful, to put a word on it. And I have been prayerful as I've explored my journey. Not always perfectly, and not always directed at a Christian God exactly, but prayerful. But I don't know what I think of prayer and it's kind of a strange area for me right now. So I was conflicted.
I texted two of the seven girlfriends to ask for their advice. I can't really even share how hard it was for me to take that step of vulnerability and be honest about where I was on the prayer situation. I guess I kind of expected them to tell me to come to show my support anyways. What I got (from both of them) was literally the opposite.

They both told me not to come.

In nicer words, of course, but it was still just as hurtful. One actually said that for prayer to be effective, everyone present had to be in agreement... I'm sorry - since when can an all powerful God only answer prayers if everyone in the room believes in Him? It is not like I disagreed with the reasons for the prayer either...  I feel like promising that you're not trying to be offensive doesn't make your statement unoffensive and doesn't give you free reign to be offensive. These friends answered my vulnerability with rejection.
I guess I feel somewhat lost and abandoned. Am I being a drama queen? Or were their actions cold, as I'm interpreting them to be?

hometown & senoritis

I'm back! After a month off of blogging (for exams, visiting my hometown and getting settled into a new semester), I am blogging again! Y'all probably missed me, right?

For those of you who don't know me, I'm from a small coastal town in BC. I went to visit my fam for Christmas and it was so restful. I know I've blogged before about how exhausting it can be to visit family (or go on vacation in general), but this was not the case this year. 

I cannot even begin to share how meaningful it was for me that my family understood the level of exhaustion I showed up with. I slept for 12 hours a day, watched tons of movies and tv, hung out with my prego sister, cuddled with my cat, had long (and deep) talks with old friends and just sort of chilled. Sound lame? It was. But more than anything it was exactly what I needed.

Now I'm starting my last semester at the university of alberta. I honestly don't know how to feel - I'm sad, I'm excited, I'm annoyed, I'm overjoyed, I'm scared, I'm brave... I think it's called senoritis. Trying to find purpose in life while trying to ride the high of making it through 5 years of intense education. Intense growth.

I'm not sure what the future holds, and sometimes that's pretty scary. I do know, however, that this is going to be the best semester of my life. 

and I'm thrilled.

ENFP Confessions #3

Relationships are probably the most important thing in the world to me. I love people in general, and I've been known to tell people that I don't do acquaintances. We either are friends, or we're not friends, and there's no real in between for me. My relationships are part of my identity. In the words of my favourite ENFP...

I have a really hard time letting go of my relationships. The getting to know someone process is incredibly life changing for me with any relationship, particularly deeper relationships. My relationships become a huge part of who I am; it's challenging for me to accept that sometimes the most healthy thing is to take a break from a relationship.

I know this post seems kind of serious, but it's something I'm seriously thinking about tonight. Sometimes, letting go of the things we hold dearest can allow us to be extraordinarily free. 

ENFP Confessions #2

I'm intensely passionate about an extremely wide array of things... and all of those things don't necessarily go together, either.

Seriously, I'm really hyper-passionate. Sex, faith, singing, education, human rights and social justice, fairtrade, writing, getting to know others... the list goes on. At least there's somewhat of a common element; you can kind of narrow down the list. I really love people!

And I hear a lot of other ENFPs have this struggle too! I regularly wonder if I'll ever decide what I want to be when I grow up. If I ever grow up, that is. It's so hard to figure out what "my thing" is... I guess I both love and hate this about myself. I love that I love so many things. But I also desperately wish that I at least had an idea of what my future would hold.

In the end, I think I'll keep living a life of happiness and love. To be totally honest, as confusing as being hyper-passionate can be, my life is very full of love and joy because of it. So... I think I'll just embrace this hyper-passionate part of myself - it is, after all, a pretty good problem to have.

Self and Sexuality

If you've ever talked to me, you've probably found out that I'm really passionate about a relatively unorthodox topic. This passion is something I've always thought was a problem - because it can make others uncomfortable at times, it made me feel like my passion wasn't valid.

And then one day, something clicked for me. A passion is a passion. You're passionate about music. She's passionate about running. He's got a passion for writing. And mine is no different - it's a passion just like any other.

My passion is human sexuality. I love talking about sex, I love teaching others about sex, and I love learning new things about it. Don't be confused - my passion isn't necessarily having sex - it's the topic of sexuality. I love thinking about the concepts of gender, attraction, consent, body image, identity and sex in general. I love the idea of having a culture where sex is an openly talked about subject. I love the idea of living in a world where everybody is being sexually fulfilled. I love the idea of having a society that is not afraid to talk about sex and ask the harder questions that surround it. I believe that human sexuality should be talked about. Correct sexual education can save lives and proper sexual health can change lives. 

So I've been aware of this passion in my life for a pretty long time now. After I got past the giggly teenager phase, I discovered that sexual health is important to me, so I started reading and searching out others with the same interests. Soon I learned that there is a whole industry related to sexual health - I started daydreaming about teaching sex ed, about giving counsel to others, about being able to express my passion and help others through that. It fit so well with my passion for psychology and mental health that I started combining the passions and dreaming of being a sex therapist.

Yesterday, something magical happened. Yesterday, I did my first "gig" as a sexual health educator. Granted, it was at a retreat for my student group... But it was magical! I felt alive, I felt happy, I felt excited. As I yammered on about HPV, body image and sexual identity, I realized that I could do this every day for the rest of my life and love it.

I'll be honest - I'm not sure if I'll pursue a career as a sexual health educator, sexologist or sex therapist. I'd love to do any and all of those things, but I'm also passionate about a billion other things... I change my mind on the daily. But I'm also not going to ignore this passion. I think we have passions for a reason, and I believe that a passion for human sexuality is no different. I hope, with all my heart, that I can use this passion in the long run to change the world. 

ENFP Confessions #1

Trying to keep my thoughts on point is like trying to keep a wave on the sand. Honestly, sometimes I think the reason I talk to myself so much is because the thoughts don't fit in my head anymore. The other night, I didn't know my roommate was home and I was chatting away to myself. Later on, she got up to go to the bathroom and my face went BEET RED! She must think I'm crazy!

I'm just like Dory from Finding Nemo; enthusiastic and talking a mile-a-minute... except far less forgetful. Conversation is of extremely high importance to me, so I'm unlikely to forget the things you tell me.

My feelings and my ability to trust others? That's another confession for another time :) ENFP out!

Encouragement - the Girl Behind the Blog

Hey everyone! today I'm linking up for the first time with The Girl Behind the Blog and I'm so excited to share my first ever vlog with you all! I know it's super awkward and very weird, I've never done anything like this before, so my video editing skills were a little amateur!