cold

For a long while now I've been struggling with Christianity. Although I haven't talked much about it, it's been at least a year that I've been really struggling with the big questions. Could there really be a Heaven? Does prayer really work? Does God even exist? If yes, why are we sure Christianity is the answer?
This has been a really hard struggle for me... Previously, Christianity was my identity & my everything. Exploring life outside of that has been exciting, traumatic and exhausting. But I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be right now and the journey that I'm supposed to be on. While I could talk about that for hours (and probably reach no better conclusion), the doubt and exploration aren't why I'm writing this post.
I've always been the kind of person to have a lot of close personal relationships, but until I began questioning my religious beliefs it had never occurred to me that so many of my relationships were based on my faith.
When my exploration of life outside of Christianity began, I immediately felt separated from so many people who I would have considered to be my closest friends. For awhile, I wondered if it was just in my head. I wondered if I was the one creating those boundaries to protect myself from being swayed back into the faith. Being that I've always found it challenging to share my deep struggles with even my closest friends, I thought this was another example of that. So I made it a new years resolution to myself to reach out to my Christian girlfriends and try to reconnect - particularly the seven that I'd had the closest relationships with.
I met up with one friend in January, and shared these thoughts with her. She assured me wholeheartedly that my disenchantment with Christianity would/should have no effect on my relationships. She told me that I would always be welcome & valued. And I believed her.
Fast forward to this weekend. One of the seven girlfriends invited everyone to get together and pray for another of the seven. Instantly, I felt conflicted. I love these girls. So wholeheartedly. And I want to support them in any way that I can. But being that I've been reluctant to share my struggle with Christianity, I was immediately concerned that they would expect me to be a certain way. Prayerful, to put a word on it. And I have been prayerful as I've explored my journey. Not always perfectly, and not always directed at a Christian God exactly, but prayerful. But I don't know what I think of prayer and it's kind of a strange area for me right now. So I was conflicted.
I texted two of the seven girlfriends to ask for their advice. I can't really even share how hard it was for me to take that step of vulnerability and be honest about where I was on the prayer situation. I guess I kind of expected them to tell me to come to show my support anyways. What I got (from both of them) was literally the opposite.

They both told me not to come.

In nicer words, of course, but it was still just as hurtful. One actually said that for prayer to be effective, everyone present had to be in agreement... I'm sorry - since when can an all powerful God only answer prayers if everyone in the room believes in Him? It is not like I disagreed with the reasons for the prayer either...  I feel like promising that you're not trying to be offensive doesn't make your statement unoffensive and doesn't give you free reign to be offensive. These friends answered my vulnerability with rejection.
I guess I feel somewhat lost and abandoned. Am I being a drama queen? Or were their actions cold, as I'm interpreting them to be?

easily influenced

This post may be hard to understand. It might have mistakes. It might not make any sense at all. Just know that this is intensely personal and intensely emotional.

I've always been a good at writing... but I've never been very good at putting my most personal thoughts and struggles into words. Sometimes, my reluctance to talk about my most deep struggles is not necessarily a fear of being judged. It's a fear of being influenced.

I'm a person who is easily pushed to believe and feel a certain way - and I mean this from both sides of the spectrum. I am as likely to be swayed by a Christian perspective that I don't necessarily agree with as a cultural one. And I think humans in general are easily influenced, but I feel like I'm easily influenced on steroids.

Over the last several months I have been going through the largest internal struggle of my life so far. Though many have heard fractions of the issue, I have yet to tell anyone the full extent of the struggle. As many of you know, this is really hard for me - I'm very much an extroverted external processor. It's extremely hard for me to work through things on my own. Yet, I have shut out all opinions for months because for once in my life I want to know and understand how I feel about something, not how someone else thinks I should feel about something.

So I've been trying to nail down what I think about this struggle on my own, but it's proving to be exceptionally difficult. I feel like no matter what decision I make, I will be disappointing someone. So, even in my own head, I am still swayed by others.

It feels contradictory: feeling alone, yet overwhelmingly surrounded. I keep telling myself that I'm in control... so why do I never feel like I have control over anything?

The question still comes down to this: who will decide how I live?

Bow Down

Today at work I had a grotesque realization about myself.

We always have worship music on at work. I think I was born with a song in my soul, so I constantly sing along without even realizing it! Every so often, the words I'm singing seem to bubble to the surface of my consciousness, and that happened today. I can't even remember what song it was from, but the lyrics were "we bow to You alone, Jesus."

As I sang them, a little voice in my head said the only thing you bow to is fear. And isn't that true!? I'm such a fearful person! I struggle with fear of failure, fear of being unloved, fear of being worthless, fear of being wrong. The list goes on.

When I tell people that I'm fearful, they rarely take me seriously because of my personality. I'm willing to try anything and everything. People seem to equate being fearful with being shy, but that is not always the case.

I remember one time, I was going skydiving (see picture!) with a good friend. As we drove out to the skydive centre, he said that the thing that struck him most about me was how fearless I was. I remember bursting out laughing - "you think I'm fearless!?" I started describing my anxiety disorder to him, and soon he came to realize that I'm not so fearless at all.

So I got to thinking - how can a person overcome to urge to bow to their fears? I think that identifying your fears is probably a good place to start, but I sometimes think that fear is a bigger entity than a worry regarding a specific object or concept. Bigger than a feeling gone wrong.

So how do you overcome fear itself?  I guess that's the direction my journey is headed in next.

Summer Goals

Hey everyone!
I just finished my FOURTH year of university! Isn't that insane? One more year to go!

As you can see, I changed up my blog a lot. I thought the previous format hardly suited me, and I wanted to ensure that my blog was an accurate representation of myself.

I've worked a lot in my life - every summer, in fact, since I was 13. So this summer, I'm just working 22 hours a week! I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with myself this year. Being a typical Robin, I decided I have a few goals.

[1] Work on my control issues.

[2] Become better at handling constructive criticism.

[3] Work on my creativity.

[4] Become more comfortable with nature + outdoorsy things.

Those of you who know me know that these are all really big areas of struggle for me. But my number one goal this summer is to reconnect with God. I feel like I've been perpetually confused lately about what I believe in and, more importantly, why I believe it.

So, while I'm only working part time this summer, I am still going to be working on my heart + soul a lot. Wish me luck!

I also have a tendency to get very lonely in the summertime; everyone goes home from school or works full time and my need for lots of human interaction takes a huge hit every summer. Soooo.. let's hang out!

the real me

It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I think this is gonna be another post where I try to be honest about what I'm struggling with. I've been avoiding blogging about this issue for a long, long time because it's insanely personal and insanely hard for me to deal with. But right now, God seems to very much be pointing at this issue, using everything in my life. But I'm scared to talk about it. I know I've touched on it in a billion posts, but here it is. This is the most real I can ever imagine myself being in writing.

I'm unwanted.

Now I know that's not entirely true, but it's how I feel. I think I'm ugly, both physically and as a person. I'm fake. I'm scared to admit this. To write this all down. But it's the truth.

I always feel not good enough, adding to how unwanted I feel.

I know that God wants me. But I still don't feel like God wants me.

I sometimes feel like I can't look in the mirror, because I hate who I see. I hate that the girl in the mirror is a fake: she struggles with her faith like it's too big to carry, and she goes to all of wrong places for love - and to make matters worse, she tells others that it's wrong for them to do the same. I hate that she's ugly. I hate that she longs for compliments - how desperate is she? I hate that she has no major dreams. I hate that she doesn't have a drive or any ideas of her purpose. I hate that she can't stick to her prayer life. I hate that she regularly finds the bible boring and rushes through her devotions.

I hate her. And she feels like everyone else does too.

What do I do?

being real?

Lately, I've been struggling so much to be real. I was walking with God the other day, and I was real with him just for a few minutes, and I knew He was happy with me. Even if it was only a few seconds. But it's so hard, and I'm not sure how to do it.

Lately, I'm trying so hard to follow God in obedience and with the way I spend my time. But it's been so difficult. I feel like God's not happy with my attempts and no matter what I do, He's not pleased. Lately, I've been praying through 2 Timothy 1:7 which says "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and self control [discipline]"

I feel like lately my spirit hasn't been of any of those things.

I'm really identifying (lately) how much I want to be close to other people, which is new for me. I typically don't mind carrying other's burdens, but mine I hate sharing. But lately I'm longing to be cared for. And I'm noticing that I keep going to different means of false comfort for that. I know I should be going to God, but WHY does that always seem so difficult? I know that this confusing, bumpy road is not too long - the other day, I got the feeling that I'm getting close to a breakthrough. Tomorrow is my day off, and I'd like to spend a couple hours with God to relax and celebrate that I am His. I am indeed His.

For others to see that I am His, I need to be real. And I think it needs to start with me being real with both myself and especially with God. And I saw that happen for the first time the other day. But it's difficult. And I'm not sure how to achieve it.

Holy Spirit, make me real. Break my heart of stone!

let Heaven roar

I really need a revival. During worship last night, God really lifted me up. I had a really crappy week last week. Family stuff, friends stuff, and midterms that all went terribly. I've had an inflamed mouth and have thus been high on t3s. It was just not good times. I had a mental breakdown last Monday night. And last night, God pointed out to me that I can't do anything without Him, and that I should quit trying.

It's so hard, though. It's so hard to focus on God on a secular campus. Doubt is penetrating my faith again. It's better this time, of course. I just need the Holy Spirit.

But I feel like I need a serious, deep, revolutionary revival. Right now, I feel like I'm just floating along, not quite recovered from last week, but not bad either.

This week, I'm going for my second round of healing prayer, and I'm really looking forward to what the Holy Spirit is going to do. I don't know what it is yet, but in the words of David Crowder, "my faith is dead, I need a resurrection somehow."

Diwali Dreams

I would so love to be in India to see Diwali next month. Diwali is India's festival of lights, and the whole country (or the northern parts of it) are lit up by candles for 5 days. Something that really strikes me is that though Diwali is popularly known as the festival of lights, it actually refers to "the awareness of inner light." I often don't know how to react to other religions. Diwali is a celebration throughout most Indian religions about good triumphing over evil. I just don't understand, sometimes, how we know that other religions aren't true. I've heard so many people tell me that Muslim religions are practically the same as Christianity, with a different name for their God. While I know this is not true, it's only speculation - I have no reason not to believe this except an inner part that says something's a little off. And yet, I don't even know if that part is truly the consciousness of the Holy Spirit, or if it's just filled with words that have been ingrained into my head since I was born again. I've often wondered at other religions, though. With the struggles with doubt that I just went through, I feel too unsteady to learn about other religions, for I imagine I would have a panic attacking-wave of doubt if I don't wait to finish sorting out last year.

Do you ever wonder how one event in your life can have such a large impact on you? How one hole prodded into your child-like faith can cause all you've ever known to be questioned? It startles me. I long to just trust blindly, and I am improving, most certainly, but it is still really hard. I still sometimes burst into tears and think God's not real. I still sometimes struggle to know what's going on; what's spiritual attack and what's not. I am going for another round of healing prayer (the day before I get my wisdom teeth out...), and I'm really looking forward to more freedom. I know that I can come to a place of this freedom without the help of the prayer team, but more often than not as I try to pray my way through things, they get muddier, and I get more confused. Sometimes, there's just something reassuring of having someone look you in the eyes and tell you that you're loved, and that the Holy Spirit lives inside you.

To Leave, Return Home and Leave

I realized that it's been nearly a month since I posted anything.

I don't have much to say. A couple of weeks ago, I got caught in one of Satan's nets. It was a dreadful task, noticing that I had been snared by fear, laziness, lack of desire, and more doubt (among other things). I received prayer/prayed, and I think I'm being picked back up by Jesus. It hurts, it takes effort, and it's challenging, but I am seeing light everywhere as I get closer and closer.

I'm moving back to Edmonton in 4 days, and I couldn't be more stressed. God has, however, been taking care of me, and I'm certain he'll find somewhere for me to live. I know it will be ok, and I have seen amazing answers to prayer! Praise God!

Well, I must get back to reality. I'll hopefully have more to say in the future?

Life and Times

Hey everyone. This morning I donated blood, finally breaking my six min record for 5 mins and 55 seconds. Yep. Quite an accomplishment for someone who isn't even sure if she has veins. Okay, it's not quite like that, but my veins are hard to find. If you're looking for them. Which I don't suspect that you are.

Alright, anyways, I was realizing this morning while I was walking to the Blood Clinic that during my period of doubt/suffering, I spent loads of time with God, and nothing else mattered. Since things have improved, why the hey-diddle-diddle has it been so easy for me to be so complacent?

It's very horrible. When I finish blogging today, I need some God time.

I'm really excited; my friend Melody and her family are having me over for Easter weekend. I was very surprised by their offer, and it meant so much! I'm looking forward to getting out of the city and spending time with her/her family! They're awesome people; they hosted us for the sunrise service!

Which reminds me - the sunrise service was BEAUTIFUL! Firstly, God put on an amazing show. It was so cool to worship Him while the sun was coming up - it provoked an awareness of His Power! Secondly, the people were awesome sauce. I met some new friendies, and bonded further with some not-so-new friendies. It was great.

I was thinking last night while I was walking home. I know, weird. But, it was a very, very windy night and I was thinking that we stop and worship a great God because we see His Power in the wind - and the best part is that the wind is such a little feat for God. Like, a windstorm here is probably God just blinking or something. A tornado? Oh, God must've snapped His Fingers. Can you imagine if He clapped!?

Not saying this is what goes on in Heaven, just saying that our God is powerful and worthy of all. :)

The Rescue

Okay, before I get serious, I just wanted to say that this is officially my 13th entry. That means that my blog no longer fits on one page. I feel like this is an accomplishment.

Now, the serious part.

GOD HAS RESCUED ME!

Not only has He rescued me from this period of doubt, but also from my trouble with tongues. I'm not going to go into what those troubles are, they're very personal, but MY GOD IS AMAZING!!!

I am so blessed to serve this God.

God has also been faithfully showing me the way out of worshiping marriage/earthly romance as an idol. I'll try to write more on this when I know more, but right now it's all new and unfamiliar.

I am so high on joy right now, I want to constantly remember this moment.

I am blessed by the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. I heard an amazing quote today, one that said something like - even if I was going to hell and knew it, I would still praise and serve Jesus because HE IS WORTHY.

So true. So true.

New Clothes

Hey everyone.

This week has continued to trudge on painfully. It'll be over soon enough. I don't care when that is. There's lots going on and lots that I'm struggling with: doubt and tongues leading the parade.

Regardless of all that, I just had the coolest realization. Maybe not the coolest per say, and it's not exactly my realization... I'll just explain.

Today was Stuff Christians Like's 2 year birthday, and the author made a list of his 10 favourite posts from this year. Having read all but one, I quickly read the one I missed.

Here it is:

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2009/04/512-thinking-youre-naked/

I was amazed. Jon first referenced Genesis 3:11, when God asks Adam and Eve why they're naked. He then referenced Isaiah 61:10, where it talks about Jesus re-clothing us. And I just thought this was amazing. Why did I never put the two together before?

Wow.

Though My Heart is Torn

Hi guys. As it turns out, I'm still struggling with this doubt. I'm in a very frustrating place - I know God exists! Why am I questioning it?!

I need help. I'm very scared and confused. But I know, somehow, that I will make it because He's carrying me. I think it might be a good night to read through the Psalms a little bit.

There is something very cool happening though. I don't get faith, you know. But here I am, hanging on for dear life (and by that I mean, God's holding me or I would've fallen by now), and I can't stop believing.

I tried to imagine what it would be like if I walked away right now, and I can't. I know it's because I won't. I'm incapable because He lives in me. Which makes Him real. I belong to a Great GOD who SAVES.

My doubt all began at a church that made me question whether or not I had the Holy Spirit. I almost lost my faith that weekend. I don't need God to prove Himself to me by letting me speak in tongues, which I could do if He wanted me to, or by showing me to prophecy, which I could also do if it were His will. I've got the Spirit, I think.

This is so weird. I don't know what else to say - this should sum it up:

1. I don't know if God exists.
2. Apparently, I do, because I can't walk away.
3. God's bigger than my doubt, but if He doesn't exist, then what?
4. But He must.
5. Do I have the Spirit?
6. I hope so - but I don't know. But then again, I don't know if God exists.
7. He does. And the Bible says that I've got His Spirit. And when He gets me through this, however long it takes, I will have even stronger faith.
8. Time to move mountains.
9. God exists.

So... Basically, God exists. God exists. He is the Way. He is truth and love. Without God, there is no love. Right?

It'll end soon enough.

Indescribable Presentation was even more amazing than I remembered! God is so amazing!

I'm also really excited for the sunrise service. The other day, Bible Study brought me to verses like Mark 1:35, Pslam 5:3 and Isaiah 50:4-5, and I can't help but think of how lazy we are. People in Jesus' time and before got up before their days started to spend time with God. And here we are trying to fit Him into our daily lives. Does that make sense?

I want to try something, try putting more effort into God. He died for me. Why am I so lazy?