It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I think this is gonna be another post where I try to be honest about what I'm struggling with. I've been avoiding blogging about this issue for a long, long time because it's insanely personal and insanely hard for me to deal with. But right now, God seems to very much be pointing at this issue, using everything in my life. But I'm scared to talk about it. I know I've touched on it in a billion posts, but here it is. This is the most real I can ever imagine myself being in writing.
I'm unwanted.
Now I know that's not entirely true, but it's how I feel. I think I'm ugly, both physically and as a person. I'm fake. I'm scared to admit this. To write this all down. But it's the truth.
I always feel not good enough, adding to how unwanted I feel.
I know that God wants me. But I still don't feel like God wants me.
I sometimes feel like I can't look in the mirror, because I hate who I see. I hate that the girl in the mirror is a fake: she struggles with her faith like it's too big to carry, and she goes to all of wrong places for love - and to make matters worse, she tells others that it's wrong for them to do the same. I hate that she's ugly. I hate that she longs for compliments - how desperate is she? I hate that she has no major dreams. I hate that she doesn't have a drive or any ideas of her purpose. I hate that she can't stick to her prayer life. I hate that she regularly finds the bible boring and rushes through her devotions.
I hate her. And she feels like everyone else does too.
What do I do?
You believe. Believe in God who tells you "I love you, I care for you, you are wanted." Believe in your genuine friends who tell you "We care for you, you are loved, you are wanted." Believe in Him, believe in us. Then, have faith, faith to believe that these beliefs are true, which in turn, becomes a faith that allows you to believe in yourself. THIS is my current, best understanding as to what faith truly is. It isn't wrong to struggle. It isn't wrong to be imperfect. But things can improve, bit by bit, little by little, all ya gotta do is believe in those that believe in you! Miss ya. - BR
ReplyDeleteRobin,
ReplyDeleteWhat you have shared is what many people wish they had the guts to admit, to be honest and real and transparent like that.
The amazing thing about God is that no one of us can boast of what we've done, how we look or how much we've given; for all of us enter through the same gate: Humility at the cross.
There is no status between Christian; no "I'm a better Christian than so-and-so," for that is the way of the world.
I like what Dallas Willard said once, "Currently we are not only saved by grace; we are paralyzed by it. We find it hard to see that grace is not opposed to effort, but is opposed to earning. Earning and effort are not the same thing. Earning is an attitude, and grace is definitely opposed to that. But it is not opposed to effort." (Dallas Willard, The Great Omission, pg 166).
I want to say something which may seem abrupt or harsh, but I will say it because I love you and God loves you. Robin, God created you in His image, and he doesn't make mistakes. Sure, we make mistakes, but that's not surprise to God! Look at some of the patriarchs throughout the Scriptures and see how imperfect they were; yet they are called friends of God.
It sounds like you're in a bit of a dessert experience; that you're struggling with many of life's questions and pursuits. Please trust that God knows and see's the bigger picture, and stay faithful.
You are a wonderful woman Robin and God has His hand in your life...it just might take some time before you can look back and realize that.
-Paul Z