coffee date

let's have a coffee date. you + me. right now. 

why? because I have something personal on my heart, and it's easier to share something personal when you've got a hot chai tea latte or iced caramel macchiato in your hands.

do you ever just get the explicit feeling that you have no idea who you are? sure, if someone asks, you can give a list of the things you enjoy (starbucks, movies, psychology) and the things you do (work, watch movies, study), but can you really tell someone who you are? is that because you don't know who you are, or because it's far more complex than you can share in words?

I think it can be both. but even when I'm alone with my thoughts, I still don't really know who I am. I don't know what makes me special, or what my purpose in life is. I feel so much anxiety when someone says "tell me about yourself" that I often just ramble on and on and make no sense whatsoever.

I want to say yes to finding myself and yes to my adventure... but where do I even start? 

take a look

I saw this video yesterday, and it moved me so much - I even cried a little bit.

I know the concept of this video is a little strange... but the idea is liberating and sweet. These women faced their vagina fears and started the process of loving and accepting their whole bodies. These women were so brave to share such an intimate and deep moment with the internet.

Love it. Sex positivity makes me so smiley.

on anxiety

A few months ago, a friend of mine uploaded a picture of herself on instagram and included a long paragraph about her mental health status. This inspired me to write a post about my anxiety problems - I think it's so important for open and honest communication. These things will help erase the negative stigma surrounding mental health and can make it easier for others to reach out for help.

Having said that, I've written and rewritten this post a billion times. It's so hard to talk about and I wanted it to be perfect. Which is ironic, when you consider the source of my mental health issues.
But here I am, writing a post about my mental health. This isn't easy, but I just wanna share where I'm at.

I've known for awhile that I have an anxiety disorder. A few years ago I was sexually assaulted and I spiraled into a dizzy, exhausting few weeks of excruciating anxiety. I had panic attack after panic attack. Although this wasn't my first encounter with anxiety, this was the first time I'd felt like it was unmanageable. So I went to counselling - and sure enough. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

So over the past few years I've had ups and downs with my anxiety - learning that I had an anxiety disorder was liberating. I met others who had anxiety spectrum issues, and I learned how to manage anxiety.

I began exploring where I think my anxiety started. I think it started in childhood, as so many things do. I've always put such a massive pressure on myself to be perfect. When you look at me as a person, you probably wouldn't notice that I'm a perfectionist. And I'm probably not, by traditional definitions. But I have this massive, unhealthy desire for everyone to think I'm perfect. I feel like my worth comes from how close to perfect I am.

Over the last few months, as I've been exploring life outside of Christianity, I've also come up to a massive identity crisis. If I'm not a Christian, which was previously the only thing I would use to define myself, then who am I? Add that crisis to the hardest academic year I've ever had and some issues in some personal relationships... you see where this is going!

In December, I had the most overwhelming mental breakdown of my life. I felt like everything was meaningless, I was worthless and I felt so so SO stressed out by my life. I became a bit of a zombie through exams and then went home for Christmas. And I continued to have panic attacks over the holiday.

When I came back in January, I knew I needed to head back to counselling. And so I have. And I am on the path to managing my anxiety. I think anxiety is part of the human experience - I doubt very much that I will ever be completely anxiety free. But I am in control of my anxiety, not the other way around.

Probably should have been anxious to be sitting 1500 feet above Chicago!

cold

For a long while now I've been struggling with Christianity. Although I haven't talked much about it, it's been at least a year that I've been really struggling with the big questions. Could there really be a Heaven? Does prayer really work? Does God even exist? If yes, why are we sure Christianity is the answer?
This has been a really hard struggle for me... Previously, Christianity was my identity & my everything. Exploring life outside of that has been exciting, traumatic and exhausting. But I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be right now and the journey that I'm supposed to be on. While I could talk about that for hours (and probably reach no better conclusion), the doubt and exploration aren't why I'm writing this post.
I've always been the kind of person to have a lot of close personal relationships, but until I began questioning my religious beliefs it had never occurred to me that so many of my relationships were based on my faith.
When my exploration of life outside of Christianity began, I immediately felt separated from so many people who I would have considered to be my closest friends. For awhile, I wondered if it was just in my head. I wondered if I was the one creating those boundaries to protect myself from being swayed back into the faith. Being that I've always found it challenging to share my deep struggles with even my closest friends, I thought this was another example of that. So I made it a new years resolution to myself to reach out to my Christian girlfriends and try to reconnect - particularly the seven that I'd had the closest relationships with.
I met up with one friend in January, and shared these thoughts with her. She assured me wholeheartedly that my disenchantment with Christianity would/should have no effect on my relationships. She told me that I would always be welcome & valued. And I believed her.
Fast forward to this weekend. One of the seven girlfriends invited everyone to get together and pray for another of the seven. Instantly, I felt conflicted. I love these girls. So wholeheartedly. And I want to support them in any way that I can. But being that I've been reluctant to share my struggle with Christianity, I was immediately concerned that they would expect me to be a certain way. Prayerful, to put a word on it. And I have been prayerful as I've explored my journey. Not always perfectly, and not always directed at a Christian God exactly, but prayerful. But I don't know what I think of prayer and it's kind of a strange area for me right now. So I was conflicted.
I texted two of the seven girlfriends to ask for their advice. I can't really even share how hard it was for me to take that step of vulnerability and be honest about where I was on the prayer situation. I guess I kind of expected them to tell me to come to show my support anyways. What I got (from both of them) was literally the opposite.

They both told me not to come.

In nicer words, of course, but it was still just as hurtful. One actually said that for prayer to be effective, everyone present had to be in agreement... I'm sorry - since when can an all powerful God only answer prayers if everyone in the room believes in Him? It is not like I disagreed with the reasons for the prayer either...  I feel like promising that you're not trying to be offensive doesn't make your statement unoffensive and doesn't give you free reign to be offensive. These friends answered my vulnerability with rejection.
I guess I feel somewhat lost and abandoned. Am I being a drama queen? Or were their actions cold, as I'm interpreting them to be?

hometown & senoritis

I'm back! After a month off of blogging (for exams, visiting my hometown and getting settled into a new semester), I am blogging again! Y'all probably missed me, right?

For those of you who don't know me, I'm from a small coastal town in BC. I went to visit my fam for Christmas and it was so restful. I know I've blogged before about how exhausting it can be to visit family (or go on vacation in general), but this was not the case this year. 

I cannot even begin to share how meaningful it was for me that my family understood the level of exhaustion I showed up with. I slept for 12 hours a day, watched tons of movies and tv, hung out with my prego sister, cuddled with my cat, had long (and deep) talks with old friends and just sort of chilled. Sound lame? It was. But more than anything it was exactly what I needed.

Now I'm starting my last semester at the university of alberta. I honestly don't know how to feel - I'm sad, I'm excited, I'm annoyed, I'm overjoyed, I'm scared, I'm brave... I think it's called senoritis. Trying to find purpose in life while trying to ride the high of making it through 5 years of intense education. Intense growth.

I'm not sure what the future holds, and sometimes that's pretty scary. I do know, however, that this is going to be the best semester of my life. 

and I'm thrilled.

easily influenced

This post may be hard to understand. It might have mistakes. It might not make any sense at all. Just know that this is intensely personal and intensely emotional.

I've always been a good at writing... but I've never been very good at putting my most personal thoughts and struggles into words. Sometimes, my reluctance to talk about my most deep struggles is not necessarily a fear of being judged. It's a fear of being influenced.

I'm a person who is easily pushed to believe and feel a certain way - and I mean this from both sides of the spectrum. I am as likely to be swayed by a Christian perspective that I don't necessarily agree with as a cultural one. And I think humans in general are easily influenced, but I feel like I'm easily influenced on steroids.

Over the last several months I have been going through the largest internal struggle of my life so far. Though many have heard fractions of the issue, I have yet to tell anyone the full extent of the struggle. As many of you know, this is really hard for me - I'm very much an extroverted external processor. It's extremely hard for me to work through things on my own. Yet, I have shut out all opinions for months because for once in my life I want to know and understand how I feel about something, not how someone else thinks I should feel about something.

So I've been trying to nail down what I think about this struggle on my own, but it's proving to be exceptionally difficult. I feel like no matter what decision I make, I will be disappointing someone. So, even in my own head, I am still swayed by others.

It feels contradictory: feeling alone, yet overwhelmingly surrounded. I keep telling myself that I'm in control... so why do I never feel like I have control over anything?

The question still comes down to this: who will decide how I live?

Bow Down

Today at work I had a grotesque realization about myself.

We always have worship music on at work. I think I was born with a song in my soul, so I constantly sing along without even realizing it! Every so often, the words I'm singing seem to bubble to the surface of my consciousness, and that happened today. I can't even remember what song it was from, but the lyrics were "we bow to You alone, Jesus."

As I sang them, a little voice in my head said the only thing you bow to is fear. And isn't that true!? I'm such a fearful person! I struggle with fear of failure, fear of being unloved, fear of being worthless, fear of being wrong. The list goes on.

When I tell people that I'm fearful, they rarely take me seriously because of my personality. I'm willing to try anything and everything. People seem to equate being fearful with being shy, but that is not always the case.

I remember one time, I was going skydiving (see picture!) with a good friend. As we drove out to the skydive centre, he said that the thing that struck him most about me was how fearless I was. I remember bursting out laughing - "you think I'm fearless!?" I started describing my anxiety disorder to him, and soon he came to realize that I'm not so fearless at all.

So I got to thinking - how can a person overcome to urge to bow to their fears? I think that identifying your fears is probably a good place to start, but I sometimes think that fear is a bigger entity than a worry regarding a specific object or concept. Bigger than a feeling gone wrong.

So how do you overcome fear itself?  I guess that's the direction my journey is headed in next.

being real?

Lately, I've been struggling so much to be real. I was walking with God the other day, and I was real with him just for a few minutes, and I knew He was happy with me. Even if it was only a few seconds. But it's so hard, and I'm not sure how to do it.

Lately, I'm trying so hard to follow God in obedience and with the way I spend my time. But it's been so difficult. I feel like God's not happy with my attempts and no matter what I do, He's not pleased. Lately, I've been praying through 2 Timothy 1:7 which says "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and self control [discipline]"

I feel like lately my spirit hasn't been of any of those things.

I'm really identifying (lately) how much I want to be close to other people, which is new for me. I typically don't mind carrying other's burdens, but mine I hate sharing. But lately I'm longing to be cared for. And I'm noticing that I keep going to different means of false comfort for that. I know I should be going to God, but WHY does that always seem so difficult? I know that this confusing, bumpy road is not too long - the other day, I got the feeling that I'm getting close to a breakthrough. Tomorrow is my day off, and I'd like to spend a couple hours with God to relax and celebrate that I am His. I am indeed His.

For others to see that I am His, I need to be real. And I think it needs to start with me being real with both myself and especially with God. And I saw that happen for the first time the other day. But it's difficult. And I'm not sure how to achieve it.

Holy Spirit, make me real. Break my heart of stone!

The Mask

I think I used to wear masks a lot. I'm not sure how else I'd be able to suddenly so easily see so many of my character flaws. I think I still wear masks too, but less. I think I often wear the mask of obnoxious. The mask of joyful insanity, so that people don't come too close.

Truthfully, I'm really afraid to lose people. I'm really afraid that once I let someone in, they won't like what they see, and that they'll abandon me. I guess there's some part of me that thinks it's better to never have a friendship than to lose one.

It really frightens me when people start dating. I feel like I won't matter anymore, and I think I begin to distance myself from friends who are starting new relationships. Some of this comes from a painful experience: this summer, my bestie J started dating my childhood best friend L. It was really hard for me to deal with, as I felt like neither of them had time for me anymore, and that neither of them wanted to hang out with me if the other couldn't be there too. I still feel this way. Oh, early adulthood - everyone is pairing off and starting their lives. Except me, it feels like.

This year, I've tried (and am trying) to be more honest with people about how I feel, but I often feel like they're not really listening when I try to share. I feel like my feelings and thoughts don't matter to other people, and that I should just keep them to myself. Most times when I share what I think, someone tells me that I'm wrong! But, back when I would never share my opinions, people would get frustrated with me for not sharing what I think.

I feel like I'm just sitting here whining, so I'll probably just wrap this up. Truthfully, I've been very blessed with very good friends, and lots of incredible opportunities. This journey of figuring out who I am is very trying, but it's kind of an amazing ride. :)

Diwali Dreams

I would so love to be in India to see Diwali next month. Diwali is India's festival of lights, and the whole country (or the northern parts of it) are lit up by candles for 5 days. Something that really strikes me is that though Diwali is popularly known as the festival of lights, it actually refers to "the awareness of inner light." I often don't know how to react to other religions. Diwali is a celebration throughout most Indian religions about good triumphing over evil. I just don't understand, sometimes, how we know that other religions aren't true. I've heard so many people tell me that Muslim religions are practically the same as Christianity, with a different name for their God. While I know this is not true, it's only speculation - I have no reason not to believe this except an inner part that says something's a little off. And yet, I don't even know if that part is truly the consciousness of the Holy Spirit, or if it's just filled with words that have been ingrained into my head since I was born again. I've often wondered at other religions, though. With the struggles with doubt that I just went through, I feel too unsteady to learn about other religions, for I imagine I would have a panic attacking-wave of doubt if I don't wait to finish sorting out last year.

Do you ever wonder how one event in your life can have such a large impact on you? How one hole prodded into your child-like faith can cause all you've ever known to be questioned? It startles me. I long to just trust blindly, and I am improving, most certainly, but it is still really hard. I still sometimes burst into tears and think God's not real. I still sometimes struggle to know what's going on; what's spiritual attack and what's not. I am going for another round of healing prayer (the day before I get my wisdom teeth out...), and I'm really looking forward to more freedom. I know that I can come to a place of this freedom without the help of the prayer team, but more often than not as I try to pray my way through things, they get muddier, and I get more confused. Sometimes, there's just something reassuring of having someone look you in the eyes and tell you that you're loved, and that the Holy Spirit lives inside you.

To Leave, Return Home and Leave

I realized that it's been nearly a month since I posted anything.

I don't have much to say. A couple of weeks ago, I got caught in one of Satan's nets. It was a dreadful task, noticing that I had been snared by fear, laziness, lack of desire, and more doubt (among other things). I received prayer/prayed, and I think I'm being picked back up by Jesus. It hurts, it takes effort, and it's challenging, but I am seeing light everywhere as I get closer and closer.

I'm moving back to Edmonton in 4 days, and I couldn't be more stressed. God has, however, been taking care of me, and I'm certain he'll find somewhere for me to live. I know it will be ok, and I have seen amazing answers to prayer! Praise God!

Well, I must get back to reality. I'll hopefully have more to say in the future?

Fruit: Forbidden & Free

I know, it's been ages since I wrote.

Welcome Harbour has been a total blessing. It's been amazing to be in such easy, undistracted communication with God, and to be surrounded by sisters and brothers in the faith. I have a sense of big things happening during the circumcision of my heart that I've been praying for. So far, I've been challenged to trust God more. I also know that I'm going to have to deal with some fears this summer.

I've also been discovering that I don't have a servant's heart - I am selfish and so quick to serve myself. I'm praying for God's help in seeking Him!

Something I was thinking about today: what do you think the connection between fruit is in the bible?

I mean, in the beginning, we ate the forbidden fruit. And now, when we accept Jesus we receive the Spirit, which comes with a whole new list of FRUITS that are free! (Galatians 5:22-23). I wonder the significance here? Forbidden becomes free?

Anyways, I really need to get to bed. I'll hopefully have time to blog again before I leave on Tuesday! Night!