ENFP Confessions #6

I've said it a billion times: I love people. Most of the time I think this is my favourite thing about myself and my greatest strength.

I care about people instantly, and I have a really hard time having acquaintances - I want to be friends with everyone. I love people's stories and I love getting to know people on a deeper level.

While this is a huge benefit to being an ENFP, in a lot of ways it is exhausting and challenging. This became the height of exhausting and challenging in this break up that I'm going through. Being in love was a strange experience.

For me, what set apart loving someone and being in love with someone was an unconditional trust. Obviously, I'm still early in the break up process, but I kind of think that being in love is being bonded with someone for life. At least for this ENFP. Trusting someone on that level pieces them into your identity and soul. It's magnificent and terrifying all at once. And I don't think that just goes away. Maybe Hopefully it changes in time, but I can't imagine it ever going away. Being in love may always be a part of who I am.

This might be an experience shared by all of MBTI, but I think it's a bit of an ENFP thing. Loving people is such an important part of my life, loving people defines me. I can't imagine un-loving anyone. Loving someone is forever... right?

cold

For a long while now I've been struggling with Christianity. Although I haven't talked much about it, it's been at least a year that I've been really struggling with the big questions. Could there really be a Heaven? Does prayer really work? Does God even exist? If yes, why are we sure Christianity is the answer?
This has been a really hard struggle for me... Previously, Christianity was my identity & my everything. Exploring life outside of that has been exciting, traumatic and exhausting. But I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be right now and the journey that I'm supposed to be on. While I could talk about that for hours (and probably reach no better conclusion), the doubt and exploration aren't why I'm writing this post.
I've always been the kind of person to have a lot of close personal relationships, but until I began questioning my religious beliefs it had never occurred to me that so many of my relationships were based on my faith.
When my exploration of life outside of Christianity began, I immediately felt separated from so many people who I would have considered to be my closest friends. For awhile, I wondered if it was just in my head. I wondered if I was the one creating those boundaries to protect myself from being swayed back into the faith. Being that I've always found it challenging to share my deep struggles with even my closest friends, I thought this was another example of that. So I made it a new years resolution to myself to reach out to my Christian girlfriends and try to reconnect - particularly the seven that I'd had the closest relationships with.
I met up with one friend in January, and shared these thoughts with her. She assured me wholeheartedly that my disenchantment with Christianity would/should have no effect on my relationships. She told me that I would always be welcome & valued. And I believed her.
Fast forward to this weekend. One of the seven girlfriends invited everyone to get together and pray for another of the seven. Instantly, I felt conflicted. I love these girls. So wholeheartedly. And I want to support them in any way that I can. But being that I've been reluctant to share my struggle with Christianity, I was immediately concerned that they would expect me to be a certain way. Prayerful, to put a word on it. And I have been prayerful as I've explored my journey. Not always perfectly, and not always directed at a Christian God exactly, but prayerful. But I don't know what I think of prayer and it's kind of a strange area for me right now. So I was conflicted.
I texted two of the seven girlfriends to ask for their advice. I can't really even share how hard it was for me to take that step of vulnerability and be honest about where I was on the prayer situation. I guess I kind of expected them to tell me to come to show my support anyways. What I got (from both of them) was literally the opposite.

They both told me not to come.

In nicer words, of course, but it was still just as hurtful. One actually said that for prayer to be effective, everyone present had to be in agreement... I'm sorry - since when can an all powerful God only answer prayers if everyone in the room believes in Him? It is not like I disagreed with the reasons for the prayer either...  I feel like promising that you're not trying to be offensive doesn't make your statement unoffensive and doesn't give you free reign to be offensive. These friends answered my vulnerability with rejection.
I guess I feel somewhat lost and abandoned. Am I being a drama queen? Or were their actions cold, as I'm interpreting them to be?

Lonely

I feel very much like I did when I first moved into Lister Hall in September.

I got to 3K, and had absolutely no one - I didn't fit in on my floor, I didn't really know anyone in Edmonton and I felt so alone. I felt like God was my only friend. That time was very healthy for my relationship with God, and I'm hoping it's going to be like that again, as once again I feel very alone.

I don't totally understand how this has happened. I have been trying to follow God and His leading with all of my actions, and somehow I have ended up with nobody. I mean, I have indeed been blessed with a wonderful community at my church, but I don't know anyone there enough to trust them yet.

And trust is an issue for me.

But I am certain that focusing on all of the negatives will not turn this all to positivity! So, I will let God do it!

Now that I am forced to be alone, I have more time to spend with God! At the beginning of September when He was my only friend, we became far closer than normal. Maybe this will happen again. I did buy a new Bible Study today, and have an old one to finish, so I'll finally get to that. God and I need to be closer: that has been the focus and purpose of all of my actions lately. At least, I am trying to focus on that.

So, I will spend tonight on me, and my relationship with God. I'm not used to not being around people, and maybe this is what I'm called to be doing right now!

And maybe this is a time for me to meet new people, and try and trust them. Maybe I am supposed to be working on my trust issues. It's hard to imagine that, after being pushed away by two people that I had only just begun to trust - but I am trying to seek God on this!

And doing His Will has indeed brought me peace. I am thankful.

So, tonight, instead of pining, I will do homework, clean my room, eat popcorn, watch movies and do a Bible Study! I will spend time with God, and I will relish in the fact that Jesus died so I could spend time with God! The curtain was torn, and I should be joyful. This is an honour.

Loving Him is an honour.

What do you do when you feel lonely?

Faith

Hey everybody! Firstly, I just want to share with yous two verses that have been radiating in my heart all day. Whenever I read John 17, it brings me to tears (or really close to). To think that Jesus prayed for US. That He loved US enough to want to SHARE HIS GLORY. It's mind blowing, the love that is poured out in that short chapter. I'm so thankful that His love never changes!
Anyways, here it is: I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. John 17:22-23 ♥ Wow. I love You, my King!
So this week, I'm still plucking away at a Beth Moore Bible Study called Living Beyond Yourself. It is exploring the fruit of the spirit! I love how much God has shown me through this study. This week, I'm learning about faith.
Day one began with a discussion of God's faithfulness to us. It says that our faith is completely based upon His faithfulness. And it's so true! If God wasn't believable, true, would we have spent any time near Him? Also, He gave us a stamp of His faithfulness when He gave us His Spirit. Amazing, even though it's very basic stuff.
Today, it discussed some of the ways we can show faith to God. After reading through the "hall of faith" in Hebrews 11, it talked about God's Will. The Hebrew word for "will" (or maybe it was Greek, I cannot remember...), meant "not to be conceived as a demand, but as an expression or inclination of pleasure towards that which is liked, that which pleases and creates joy." So God being pleased with us is His Will, and our one calling is for Him to be pleased with us (completing His Will). Am I making sense? This AMAZES me!
Christians have faith in one of two things: in what God does, and in who God IS. It is important to only have faith in who He IS because if His actions are difficult for us (or if He chooses silence), we'll lose faith.
So these are the things I am being taught right now. I am also learning to surrender. Still. Is this lifelong?
I must now attend to some homework before I pass out for the night, and I've got to be up early(ish) for church, so... God Bless YOU!

♥