being real?

Lately, I've been struggling so much to be real. I was walking with God the other day, and I was real with him just for a few minutes, and I knew He was happy with me. Even if it was only a few seconds. But it's so hard, and I'm not sure how to do it.

Lately, I'm trying so hard to follow God in obedience and with the way I spend my time. But it's been so difficult. I feel like God's not happy with my attempts and no matter what I do, He's not pleased. Lately, I've been praying through 2 Timothy 1:7 which says "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and self control [discipline]"

I feel like lately my spirit hasn't been of any of those things.

I'm really identifying (lately) how much I want to be close to other people, which is new for me. I typically don't mind carrying other's burdens, but mine I hate sharing. But lately I'm longing to be cared for. And I'm noticing that I keep going to different means of false comfort for that. I know I should be going to God, but WHY does that always seem so difficult? I know that this confusing, bumpy road is not too long - the other day, I got the feeling that I'm getting close to a breakthrough. Tomorrow is my day off, and I'd like to spend a couple hours with God to relax and celebrate that I am His. I am indeed His.

For others to see that I am His, I need to be real. And I think it needs to start with me being real with both myself and especially with God. And I saw that happen for the first time the other day. But it's difficult. And I'm not sure how to achieve it.

Holy Spirit, make me real. Break my heart of stone!

Sometimes

this is how today feels.

Sometimes - David Crowder Band

Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes

When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
‘Til we’re rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
Sometimes

Sometimes
It’s like we’ll never atone
For all the love we’ve known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel it come
And that feeling’s gone
It flies

When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
Feel it rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid
Don’t be afraid
Just set your sail

And risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there's only grace

Giving it Up

So, today begins Lent. And quite a strange season I am found in this Lent! I decided to give up Facebook, #1. Since you don't have to fast on Sundays, I've decided to be allowed to check it for 10 minutes on Sundays. The problem is not Facebook, the problem is that I spend more time on face than in prayer. So there's that. I'm also going to be reading through Romans 12 prayerfully every morning. There's a couple other smaller things I'm doing, but then there's a bigger one.

I've liked the same guy since September. It's starting to get ridiculous, I'm insane about him. So I decided to give him up for Lent. Basically, this doesn't mean I don't spend friends time with him, but it means every time I think of him or daydream or feel sad that he doesn't like me back, I'm going to pray for him, and ask God to redirect my feelings to Him.

I hope it works out.

2 Corinthians 10:5b - Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

PS - in relation to my last post... I started further! I gave my testimony at our C&C last weekend. It wasn't THAT hard. Actually, it feels kind of nice to know that everyone knows my heart now, and where I'm coming from. I'm somewhat relieved. In other (more serious) news, I gave my best friend M my full testimony - the one with the part you just don't share in a group setting. It was really hard. But again, it's relieving to have her know, you know?

Starting

Sometimes I just can't believe.

It's brutally honest, and I'm scared of that. Sometimes I really struggle with doubt. Now, I know I've complained about this before on here, but lately lecture material in psychology is getting brutally secular. I will believe. No matter what.

But it is hard.

Yet, regardless of how difficult the oppression can be, God still lavishly pours out His love on me. I can't believe how hopeful I feel right now, when everything seems amiss. I know it'll be okay. I know it. I need the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up, and I know He will. Well, we'll hope. I'll know by my Fruit, right?

I'm trying to let the walls down. Tonight after bible study, two friends stayed behind to ask me what was going on in my heart, and I started telling them. I didn't get too far in, and I had to keep telling them to back off because it's too much for me - but I let them (part way) in. It was hard and scary, but I started to talk about daddy issues and guarded heart issues. I stopped talking before I started crying, but the point is that it began. I started.

So, even in all of the messy doubts and fears I'm being restrained by, I'm starting. Starting to let God do something. Oh my.

I have hope.

Inside the Temple

I feel I'm on the brink of something large.

Breakforth was incredible! God spoke to me through so many people, over and over again. He is so good!

One session I went to was talking about Hearing God's Voice. Brad Jersak was reading through Exodus 33:7-11, and this tent of the meeting, though I'd heard of it before, was kind of a new concept to me. The Israelites had their temple, but God wanted to be closer. It says "The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend." That's amazing. And then it all came into place; when God made our heart's His temple, it was more like a tent of meeting. Where we can go, and be face-t0-face with God.

Except, it's kind of messy, because I can sort of go in - but ONLY when I'm praying for others. And I can only see Jesus' body, I can't see past His shoulders. And when I pray for myself, I can't even get into the temple. I can't.

I know it's me. I know God's welcoming me, calling me, and excited to see me, but I can't manage to go in the door. I'm scared, I guess! God's been asking me to deal with a lot of things lately, and though I've now recognized that they exist, I don't even know where to start.

During a worship session at Breakforth, one of my friends drew a picture, and said that God had told her to give it to me. It's of Jesus handing a girl (me?) a flower. The next morning in an intercessory workshop, God told me that I couldn't have the flower until I let go of what I was holding. Funny, because the preceding morning He told me that I needed to let go. And people were praying over me, that I'd start trusting God and let go of my control. And let myself be loved.

But I feel like I DO let myself be loved! I know God's been asking me to receive Love, but I don't know how. Last weekend, one of my friend's husbands said to me "Robin, the more you receive Love, the less power fear will have over you." What a word from the Lord! And he didn't even know it.

What do I do? Where do I start?

How do I get inside the Temple?

You Provide the Spirit, So I can Open Up Inside

It's been a strange start to 2011. Though only one month has passed, I feel as though 2010 was forever ago, and like I've gone through too many seasons already this month.

January is a big month. We went on a C&C Retreat out to Nakamun Lake a few weeks ago. During a worship time there, I felt like something was off (wrong, unusual, almost painful!) in my heart, and I asked God what was going on. As I reflected on the lyrics I was singing, His "voice" came to my heart and told me that I didn't believe that He loved me.

Our speaker had us go through a list of affirmations from the bible that apply to all believers. I felt like challenging what God told me, so I decided to circle the ones I believed (by believe, I mean a core belief that extends deep into my heart, not just a surface 'yes'). I believed 3 of the 30-something affirmations that were there. Wow, right?

I don't even know where to start "believing God's love." I realize that coming to terms with the fact that I don't believe it is a big step, but I want to fix it so badly! Maybe that's the problem, what I need is to let HIM fix it. Let Him in further. But how? Is there a manual? I don't even know what I'm holding onto that I so badly need to get out of.

And this weekend is Breakforth. I'm really, really hopeful to hear God's voice because it's been a weird couple of weeks. I feel like the oppressor has been dragging me around for a little while now, and I'm weary. I need Christ.

I'll hopefully have some time to write next week, hopefully a more joyful post on what's going on.

Until then.

A Prayerful Resolution

The other day I went for a massage, and it made me think of God.

A weird phenomenon, I know. But when my massage therapist was massaging out my muscle knots, it was really painful. It made me think of all of the times this year when God was 'massaging out' the knots in my life - it's really painful during those times, but in the end, I always feel explosively on fire for Him. So it's a good thing. A God thing.

I've been spiritually dead since I've been in Rupert, and I know it's my fault, but it's just so difficult. So I was thinking about resolutions and goals... I really realized this year that I hardly know how to pray, and that I'm really bad at keeping up my prayer life. So, my new years resolution is to learn to pray. I don't really understand the concept of fasting. I get the surface "I'm not eating for God", but I don't understand the purpose. I want to learn to pray and fast. I want to learn to wear the WHOLE armour of God, too. All of the time. I know that this means giving up things that I want. I want to start spending a whole lot less time on Facebook and a whole lot more time seeking God and his Kingdom.

But how?

somewhere between Canaan and Egypt

Hey team. It's been a long while, and I don't have a whole lot to say tonight either. I've been extremely busy with exams and studying. Luckily, I'm finished this whole semester on Thursday! So exciting. Listen to Wilderness by the OC Supertones.

This week, I've been reading through the book of Hosea. Chapter 2, wow. The chapter starts off with how bad God's people have been, and how upset God is with them. Halfway through the chapter, the whole tone changes. In verse 14, God says "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the desert, and speak tenderly to her." Sure, the rest of the chapter made me swoon - I am SO in love with my creator! Look at verse 19, God says: "And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy." I am just amazed. But verse 14 really stood out to me. Here's why:

Generally, when I think of being in the desert, I think of a time of real spiritual 'dryness', or deprivation. It's not a time that I ever look forward to. I don't know if that's what God means here, but even if He is literally leading Israel into the desert, it doesn't sound like a good time. Other translations use the word wilderness. Spiritually, it could be a time when things are dangerous and new and frightening. Literally, the wilderness doesn't seem to be somewhere that anyone just goes for a good time.

But what comes next? God says that He'll speak tenderly to her there. Our time in the desert may just be an opportunity for God to gently reshape us. To speak tenderly to us.

Our God loves us so much. There's no denying that.

Everything is Never As it Seems

I feel better.

Healing prayer was good. God battled for me, and I took large steps. It was really freeing, again, and could only have come at the most God-approved time. Initially, I had been upset that it had been postponed for so long, but now it makes sense. He knows what He's doing.

I have chosen a life verse. I was really trying to pick between a few of them, so I'll share them all.

Hebrews 13:5 b: "Because God has said: 'never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'"

Sometimes, this is the most astoundingly relieving thing to hear. My God, creator of the universe will never leave me.

Psalm 32:7 : "You are my hiding place, You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance"

I need God to save me. I need Him to hold me closely. I need it. I need Him.

Psalm 43: I've copied this onto this blog before. This Psalm speaks my heart during times of pain and fear. God's got my back.

And finally, the life verse that I have chosen:

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord Your God is with you, He is mighty to save, he will take great joy in you, He will quiet you with His Love, He will rejoice over you with loud singing"

That's what I want. That's what I need. Let me be to Him a sacrifice.

You Are My Joy - David Crowder Band

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And he set me on fire and I am burning alive.
With his breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in
Remain composed.
Love's taken over me
So I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed.
Love's taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

I need to catch my breath, I need to.
I need to catch my breath, give me a moment now.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

I'm laughing so hard
And I'm laughing so hard
And I'm laughing so hard

Everything I Know

Right now, I'm feeling more nonchalant than I ever have in my entire life.

I am a sinner, and I don't care. The only thing that I care about is that I don't care.

I don't know who I am anymore. I am so confused. I can't wait for Healing Prayer tomorrow. I need help, a mentor. I need someone to pray now, when I can't. I'm trying, I really am, but it's so difficult. It's so messy.

Is the Holy Spirit praying through me now?

I want to believe that I will remain His child, even when everything I know comes crashing down.

Like now.

let Heaven roar

I really need a revival. During worship last night, God really lifted me up. I had a really crappy week last week. Family stuff, friends stuff, and midterms that all went terribly. I've had an inflamed mouth and have thus been high on t3s. It was just not good times. I had a mental breakdown last Monday night. And last night, God pointed out to me that I can't do anything without Him, and that I should quit trying.

It's so hard, though. It's so hard to focus on God on a secular campus. Doubt is penetrating my faith again. It's better this time, of course. I just need the Holy Spirit.

But I feel like I need a serious, deep, revolutionary revival. Right now, I feel like I'm just floating along, not quite recovered from last week, but not bad either.

This week, I'm going for my second round of healing prayer, and I'm really looking forward to what the Holy Spirit is going to do. I don't know what it is yet, but in the words of David Crowder, "my faith is dead, I need a resurrection somehow."