Herbal Tea and Fiction

Yeah, so if the title doesn't make sense, don't sweat it.

I'm feeling better today, stronger, and though I still feel totally lost, I have hope. I sorta wonder if the only reason that I get out of wack is that I stop spending time with God. And then, as I begin to make Him the focus again, I begin to grow again. It seems like it makes sense, but I get a feeling that it's not that easy.

For while that is true, we are also at war. Living in the middle of the biggest war in history. The war.

And since we're living at war, the last thing I need to be doing is living in an alternate reality.

Not only do I mean tv, books and the like, but my daydreaming problem needs to come to an end. I am bigger than this, for I have God. I think I'm going for healing prayer over this. Apparently, healing prayer is a pretty big deal in Christian circles. I was unaware of this ministry, and now that I'm feeling better, I feel like I don't need it... but could it really hurt?

Anyways, I'm trying to read a bit before bed every night, so I'm going to go. Night!

Oh, Happiness!

I'm going through some weird times.

Lately, I can't concentrate on God, I'm not myself, and I keep choosing the world. It really isn't who I am, but I can't leave it. Or, I'm trying to.

I don't have a lot to say. Last weekend, I went hiking in the Rockies. It was absolutely breathtaking - but I wasn't able to spend much time praising God for it, as I should. What's wrong with me!? I just don't understand. Why can't I fully commit! I seriously just want to give God my whole self, all of me, everything. But why can't I? What's holding me back? Half of the time, I think I have. Then, I realize I'm being called to live for Him, and that I'm not doing it.

Why can't I!?

I just don't understand what's going on. I'm fighting so many of the old enemies, and this time, I want to win in a permanent sense. I cannot win the fight on my own, but I have a king. The king. I know that God is faithful, even when I'm not. He is not dependent on who I am, thank GOD! But I need to live for Him. Fully. I need to give up the world. Fully.

And I need help.

Forgiveness and Guilt

Right when everything starts going right is when I screw up. Always.

For instance, life has really started to turn around. I was growing with God, my prayer life was growing, and I felt like I was on the right path.

Then I get body-checked by a problem I've had for years. I've always wanted to fit in. I've always wanted to be the girl who everyone wants to hang out with. And so last night, with K and G, I got wasted. Not just a little tipsy, but wasted.

And the sad part is, it was really fun. And one of my normal excuses for not drinking is "I'll do something stupid." But the thing is - I didn't do anything that I wouldn't have done sober. Which means I can't use that excuse anymore, even if it is valid.

So regardless, I felt extremely guilty. So I asked for forgiveness from Jesus. And yet, I still feel guilty. What do I do? I mean, I know I have been forgiven, but I still feel so ashamed. This isn't freedom!

Satan does this to us. He knows that we don't see things like God does - we don't see ourselves as blameless. And Satan knows that we don't understand that God DOES see things differently because His LOVE is different. Satan helps us to convince ourselves that we have screwed up our chances with God. Satan shouldn't have any footing here. So let's stop letting him have it.

Growing!

I feel like I'm growing so much right now. I feel so blessed, God is so good. He is reigning in my life. I was thinking today about how easy it is, during good times like these, to forget about our relationship with Him. How easy it is to forget to read Scripture, or spend empty time in prayer. Since moving into my new house, I've had a load of free time on my hands, and I have used most of it by hunting through Facebook or watching almost an entire season's worth of The Office. I'm looking forward to getting my iPod dock back tomorrow, so that I don't have to always have my computer on to listen to music. I want things to change!

I don't have much else to say, I'm sharing because I can? Haha. Maybe I'll share a verse!

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30.

I want to take refuge in God! I want to know Him!

Psalm 43

I've been praying through this Psalm recently, and it's been a blessing to me. Life is hectic, but God is providing and blessing. All of my life, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Psalm 43

Vindicate me, O God,
and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

To Leave, Return Home and Leave

I realized that it's been nearly a month since I posted anything.

I don't have much to say. A couple of weeks ago, I got caught in one of Satan's nets. It was a dreadful task, noticing that I had been snared by fear, laziness, lack of desire, and more doubt (among other things). I received prayer/prayed, and I think I'm being picked back up by Jesus. It hurts, it takes effort, and it's challenging, but I am seeing light everywhere as I get closer and closer.

I'm moving back to Edmonton in 4 days, and I couldn't be more stressed. God has, however, been taking care of me, and I'm certain he'll find somewhere for me to live. I know it will be ok, and I have seen amazing answers to prayer! Praise God!

Well, I must get back to reality. I'll hopefully have more to say in the future?

Golden Balloons

This is a story that I wrote for Miss Jessica Muckle one day while I was supposed to be paying attention in cell bio. I'd "love to know what my readers think." HAHAHAHAH. Enjoy.


Once upon a time, there was a red sweater, a balloon and a hankie. One day, a little boy was bouncing on the balloon, and it popped.
The little boy began to cry, so he wiped his face with his hankie. After that, he decided to put on his red sweater and go outside.
Outside, he saw a dragon breathing fire at a little girl. He ran after the dragon with his sword!
The dragon, using its tail, swept the two children onto his back, and began to fly away. The children were too terrified to jump off.
Soon, night had fallen and the dragon had taken the children to a secret cave.
The dragon began to walk to the back of the cave, and the children didn't know what to do, so they decided to follow him.
The dragon led them to an underground tunnel. Suddenly, two trolls jumped out and began to run towards the children with their teeth bared and claws ready.
The dragon roared, and then burned the trolls to a crisp.
The dragon continued to lead the children down the tunnel. Finally, they reached a massive golden door. The dragon, opening the door, was suddenly illuminated by a glow protruding from the room.
The children ran to the door, and were in awe of the great shining treasure heaps that filled the room.
The dragon told them that he was very lonely, and longed to have some friends to play with in his massive heap of treasure.
He found a golden balloon. Handing it to the boy, he said that this balloon would never pop.
The boy sat on the balloon and began to float!
The children had a wonderful night playing with the dragon and his treasure. Soon, the sun began to rise and the children realized that their parents would soon begin to worry.
The dragon took the children on his back.
Shortly before dropping them off, he thanked them for playing with him and said that he hoped that he would see them again soon.
The children were never the same again, and whenever night fell, the children both glowed like the treasure that belonged to the dragon.
The End.
Copyright, Robin Hansen 2010.

Fruit: Forbidden & Free

I know, it's been ages since I wrote.

Welcome Harbour has been a total blessing. It's been amazing to be in such easy, undistracted communication with God, and to be surrounded by sisters and brothers in the faith. I have a sense of big things happening during the circumcision of my heart that I've been praying for. So far, I've been challenged to trust God more. I also know that I'm going to have to deal with some fears this summer.

I've also been discovering that I don't have a servant's heart - I am selfish and so quick to serve myself. I'm praying for God's help in seeking Him!

Something I was thinking about today: what do you think the connection between fruit is in the bible?

I mean, in the beginning, we ate the forbidden fruit. And now, when we accept Jesus we receive the Spirit, which comes with a whole new list of FRUITS that are free! (Galatians 5:22-23). I wonder the significance here? Forbidden becomes free?

Anyways, I really need to get to bed. I'll hopefully have time to blog again before I leave on Tuesday! Night!

Trying to Fly

I am leaving for Welcome Harbour tomorrow, and I am very excited!

I'm excited for going on our own schedules, for spending time with my closest of friends, and for growing closer to God.

The latter is, of course, the one I'm the most excited about. I am so terrible. I need to be closer, and I know this and should be making the effort now. But somehow, I'm not.

This morning my mother and I got into a huge fight before I left for church, over something that wasn't anything. I got to church, and began to worship.

It was empty, and I felt God saying "Oh, now you'd like to worship me. You weren't worshiping me in your relationship with your mom this morning..."

I needed to ask for forgiveness, both from God and from my mom. But I think my whole life is like this. I'm so good at church. I listen and take notes, I have my hands in the air. I read my bible. It's so easy to do while I'm there, but I don't live like that all of the time.

And even though I know these things, nothing changes.

Heartbreaks in the Maydays

I am sending many mayday calls to God this week, as my heartbreak over my best friend worsens and worsens.

I am so hurt. I just want to know why he's ignoring me. I can't work with him just ignoring me. After many heart to hearts with many important people, I know that I should be just waiting. But I can't. I just can't stop texting and calling my very best friend. I love him to pieces. He is my brother. Other than Jesus, there is nobody that I love as much as I love Dean. This is so hard.

I wouldn't be getting through this if it weren't for Jesus. I want Him to have glory in this.

Not only does God keep telling me that He's gone through this even worse, He keeps telling me to seek Him. And it's all I want to do. But how? And why don't I?

I totally blog about this all the time. I need to seek God, I need to be near God. But when do I ever put any effort into it?

And what holds me back? Let me tell you what I did today. Today, I went to boot camp, sat around on facebook, watched 8-9 episodes of the Office. I watched more tv. I mowed the lawn a little bit. I screwed up on a couple things, and asked forgiveness. I hung out with 2 of my girls. And now I'm blogging, barely able to keep my eyes open. Where is there God time in there? I need to be deliberate. I need to show with all of me, not just my words, that Jesus deserves everything I've got. I have been doing the little things with Him, just finding myself in prayer randomly, but nothing like it should be.

I've been slightly improving since being home for the summer, but with all of my free time I should be spending a thousands times more than what I am.

My heart aches. It is broken, and this is a pain I have never experienced before. I know that I don't go through it alone, and that God is near me now during this time.

What would you do?

Turning In

Today I was out for a run, and I suddenly noticed my heart was totally in a state of worship. It was really amazing, and I've never realized how beautiful the trail that I used to run every Thursday after chemistry was. God's creation is so amazing, and sometimes I wonder how I can ever stay in one place while there is still SO much of His creation left to see!

Dean is still ignoring me. It hurts so much, and I just don't know how to handle it. It is really comforting to know that God knows how I feel. I've been thinking about Hosea 2:13 where it says:

"'she went after her lovers, but me she forgot,' Declares the LORD".

I know that I live this way so often. I don't want to hurt God like that anymore. I want to live for Him in every minute of my life. Sometimes this means giving up little things, like a TV show that doesn't bring Him glory. Sometimes, it means giving up bigger things, like a friendship that drags you away from God's purpose. I'm thinking about denying myself. Wow, and here I thought I didn't have anything to blog about today! I feel like I have lots to think about too.

I'm so excited to spend my next 2 months at Welcome Harbour. I feel like my soul is going to be so very healthy after this summer. I just wanna live for Him, and grow closer to Him. I want my faith to be stronger after this summer.

I want to see God this summer.

It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Oh, man. I feel like I'm getting a sense of God's heartbreak. Let me explain.

My very, very best friend is a guy who I call my twin brother. Even though Dean and I only met just over a year ago, we are extremely tight. He's the only person that I know like the back of my hand. We've had a few kinda rough times, but as he likes to say, I'm "stuck with him." I love him to pieces, but right now he's breaking my heart.

A few weeks ago, Dean was the lead in his high school's musical, so he was too busy to keep up the texting and talking. Suddenly, he was altogether ignoring me. I was starting to really worry, and he wasn't replying to any of my texts. I texted him from my friend's phone, and he responded right away. I told him it was me, and then he ignored me again!

He's still ignoring me. It's so painful. And while I was praying about it, I felt like God was kinda just raising His Heavenly Eyebrows, in a sort of "I go through that daily, and tenfold" way. I realized that this must be similar to what God feels when we ignore Him, when we take our road instead of His.

Plus, God's heartbreak is a billion times larger than mine. If my heart is hurting this badly over my brother pushing me out of his life, I don't even comprehend how much it must hurt a Father who loves us so when most of the world, followers and non-followers, push Him away. How sorry I feel for all of the times I've done that to God.

This reminds me of Genesis 6:6 The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.

Oh, God, I am so sorry.