for BH

Dear BH,

I'm writing you this letter and posting it on my blog because this way it's very unlikely that you will see it - but I believe that if you're meant to read it, you will.

Where to start, where to start? I saw you today. I want you to know that I'm still so attracted to you, but you also still make me cry. I'm still a mess and it's been three or four months now.

Out of everything I'm going to tell you now, what I want you to know the most is this:

I'm most angry because my life got torn apart, but yours didn't. You're perfectly fine and I know that. And I think it's unfair.

Lucky for both of us, we aren't the ones who decide what fair is. Thank God for grace.

BH, you broke my heart. And I don't mean you put a little hairline fracture in me. I mean, you BROKE me. I ask God regularly why you were allowed to do so, and He tells me it's because I gave you my heart in the first place.

Sometimes, I sit in lectures and my eyes fill with tears because I think about how you lied to me and I have to get up and leave. I have a hard time being alone because I just start reflecting on how things felt and things you said and it distracts me from just about anything else.

You blamed me at first. While I know you changed that around afterwards, it's stuck with me a lot. I still feel like it's my fault. I still feel like I blew the only chance I'd ever have with a "godly" man. I still feel like anybody who tells me I'm beautiful is lying.

And as for you being a godly man... I think you really need to reflect on what that means and what God wants from you before you label yourself like that. I know we're all sinners, I know that I have fallen just as short of the Lord as you have, I know you're no worse than I am - but I think that the difference is that you don't seem to try. This is pretty much pure speculation because I'm trying to make heads or tails of how you seem to be so much more okay than I am.

Out of all of the things you said to me, the one that hurt the most was when you used God's apparent calling to the priesthood as an excuse for why you couldn't date me. It seems legit on the surface, but if you look a little deeper, making out with me and refusing to date me was, I think, less priestly. And let's not forget that you started dating someone a few days later.

I want to say that I'm sorry for sinning against you - I know that it takes two to tango and I should not put all of the blame on you. I believe for the actions that occured between us, we are equally to blame.

So out of all of this, what do I want to conclude with?

You broke my heart, BH. You have diminished my hope that a godly man is worth waiting for. You have also made me feel like no man will ever love me, and that I am just some desperate fat girl to use while you're in between people who will have sex with you. I know that's mean, and I'm just trying to get out how I'm feeling. I'm sorry. I guess I take some of that back. But I still think you used me, and I still feel like nobody will ever truly romantically love me.

However, I want to forgive you. Because Jesus said to. Because He loves you and says you're worth forgiving. That I'm worth forgiving. We are both God's children. I hope you can sort things out with Him before you find yourself on a very terrible path. I mean that honestly.

So I forgive you for sinning against me. I forgive you for lying to me. I forgive you for using me. I'm trying to forgive you for breaking my heart. I'm not sure how to do it, so I'm just going to say I forgive you over and over until it's true. God forgives you. I forgive you.

Ultimately, it is not my job to hope that you can experience this kind of hurt. It is not my job to decide what's just. As my pastor always says, I'm putting you on God's hook and taking you off of mine.

Tonight when I was expressing my anger towards you, my best friend suggested that in those times of anger, I need to pray for you. So I'm going to start doing that. I don't want to be angry with you any more. I want to move on, to be healed. To let God heal me.

I hope that you will stop looking for that love you long for in girls, BH. You know it comes from the Lord. Don't give up.

Robin.