victory

You may have noticed that the headline under the title of my blog is "God is my victory and He is Here". It's a line from a hillsong song "Desert Song" that I love very much. That line always stood out to me a lot in worship - God has already won my battle. God is king of everything. God is my way to victory in every little battle against evil, and God is ALWAYS with me (Hebrews 13:5).

My last post not only spiked a lot of encouragement from the household of God (yup, that's you, church family (1 Timothy 3:15)), but also a lot of prayer. And let me tell you, victory has never been closer. While I still have baggage to sort through and hand to God (not sure what that looks like yet), I also feel encouraged. I feel strong. I can take this on. I mean really, I can do ANYTHING through Him who gives me strength (phil 4:13).

Let me tell you what I know - this comes from a Bible Study I just finished through Beth Moore called "Believing God"

God is who He says He is

God can do what He says He can do

I am who God says I am

I can do all things through Christ

God's word is alive and active in me

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm believing God. No matter what it takes. God will get me through. God will take me full circle (to my Gilgal). And one day, my theology WILL meet my reality. I'm not afraid. I'm praying for the Holy Spirit to take control of me.

I'm believing God.

the real me

It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I think this is gonna be another post where I try to be honest about what I'm struggling with. I've been avoiding blogging about this issue for a long, long time because it's insanely personal and insanely hard for me to deal with. But right now, God seems to very much be pointing at this issue, using everything in my life. But I'm scared to talk about it. I know I've touched on it in a billion posts, but here it is. This is the most real I can ever imagine myself being in writing.

I'm unwanted.

Now I know that's not entirely true, but it's how I feel. I think I'm ugly, both physically and as a person. I'm fake. I'm scared to admit this. To write this all down. But it's the truth.

I always feel not good enough, adding to how unwanted I feel.

I know that God wants me. But I still don't feel like God wants me.

I sometimes feel like I can't look in the mirror, because I hate who I see. I hate that the girl in the mirror is a fake: she struggles with her faith like it's too big to carry, and she goes to all of wrong places for love - and to make matters worse, she tells others that it's wrong for them to do the same. I hate that she's ugly. I hate that she longs for compliments - how desperate is she? I hate that she has no major dreams. I hate that she doesn't have a drive or any ideas of her purpose. I hate that she can't stick to her prayer life. I hate that she regularly finds the bible boring and rushes through her devotions.

I hate her. And she feels like everyone else does too.

What do I do?