on anxiety

A few months ago, a friend of mine uploaded a picture of herself on instagram and included a long paragraph about her mental health status. This inspired me to write a post about my anxiety problems - I think it's so important for open and honest communication. These things will help erase the negative stigma surrounding mental health and can make it easier for others to reach out for help.

Having said that, I've written and rewritten this post a billion times. It's so hard to talk about and I wanted it to be perfect. Which is ironic, when you consider the source of my mental health issues.
But here I am, writing a post about my mental health. This isn't easy, but I just wanna share where I'm at.

I've known for awhile that I have an anxiety disorder. A few years ago I was sexually assaulted and I spiraled into a dizzy, exhausting few weeks of excruciating anxiety. I had panic attack after panic attack. Although this wasn't my first encounter with anxiety, this was the first time I'd felt like it was unmanageable. So I went to counselling - and sure enough. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

So over the past few years I've had ups and downs with my anxiety - learning that I had an anxiety disorder was liberating. I met others who had anxiety spectrum issues, and I learned how to manage anxiety.

I began exploring where I think my anxiety started. I think it started in childhood, as so many things do. I've always put such a massive pressure on myself to be perfect. When you look at me as a person, you probably wouldn't notice that I'm a perfectionist. And I'm probably not, by traditional definitions. But I have this massive, unhealthy desire for everyone to think I'm perfect. I feel like my worth comes from how close to perfect I am.

Over the last few months, as I've been exploring life outside of Christianity, I've also come up to a massive identity crisis. If I'm not a Christian, which was previously the only thing I would use to define myself, then who am I? Add that crisis to the hardest academic year I've ever had and some issues in some personal relationships... you see where this is going!

In December, I had the most overwhelming mental breakdown of my life. I felt like everything was meaningless, I was worthless and I felt so so SO stressed out by my life. I became a bit of a zombie through exams and then went home for Christmas. And I continued to have panic attacks over the holiday.

When I came back in January, I knew I needed to head back to counselling. And so I have. And I am on the path to managing my anxiety. I think anxiety is part of the human experience - I doubt very much that I will ever be completely anxiety free. But I am in control of my anxiety, not the other way around.

Probably should have been anxious to be sitting 1500 feet above Chicago!

Blogmopolitan Quiz 2

I was so excited to find out that Erin had done another Blogmopolitan Quiz! So much fun to feel like a celebrity. I'm basically Beyonce. Right?

(you can click on it to make it larger)

So much fun!

ualberta class review

It's reading break! yay! That means I'm halfway through my last semester at the University of Alberta. Woah. That's insane.

Although I would definitely argue that I've learned a lot more through non-academic university experiences (student groups, who I am as a person, student governance, how I react to stress, etc), the last five years of my life have been filled with some really great classes and instructors - so here's a list of my favourites.

First Year Classes

Medical Microbiology & Immunology 133: I had super low expectations going into this class. I'd been aware that I loved pathology for a long time, but I wasn't prepared for how much I was going to enjoy an entire class spent on human disease. LOVED it. The prof, Judy Gnarpe, totally made the class. I think this was my absolute favourite first year class.

Psychology 104/105: To be honest, most 100-level classes are not so fun. They're really broad and the general science ones were incredibly boring most of the time. And even though psych 104 and 105 were not an exception to this, these classes convinced me to change my major from biology to psychology. This, obviously, was quite the life-changing decision.

Second Year Classes

Anatomy 200: This was an incredible class. The prof, Dr. David Begg, was one of the most incredible profs I've ever had. He inspired me to pursue what I love in life instead of what I think is expected of me. Also, the class is super fun. Hard average? Yes. Hilarious sex jokes from a professional anatomist? Also yes. I mean, I've always been a bit of a macro-physio nerd so this class was right up my alley!

Psychology 233: Personality psych is by far the most fun of all the psychs. As y'all know, I'm pretty obsessed with personality theories, so this class was fantastic for me. I think the number is different now though. Seriously the best second year class I took by far. And I also took it with my favourite prof ever, Jennifer Passey, and her sass made the class even more enjoyable.

Psychology 275: Brain and behaviour was one of the most fun classes I've ever taken. It piqued my interest in neuroscience and physiology. I definitely recommend it if you're sort of interested in the brain or in where human behaviour really comes from. I also recommend that you take it with a Singhall. :)

Third Year Classes

Biology 321: Despite the fact that biology is my minor, there isn't much of it on this list. Mechanisms of Evolution, however, was the most fun bio class I've ever taken. The prof, Heather Proctor, was hilarious, smart and captivating. I loved this class - AND there's no lab. Praise.

Pharmacology 305: This class might have been the most fascinating class I've ever taken. Titled drugs of abuse, this class studied the mechanisms of addiction. I felt like throughout the class I was making a mental list of drugs I would try and drugs that I most certainly would not try. This class was really hard, but definitely worth the mental effort. Our prof (Martin Davies) was hilarious and the subject matter was obviously pretty interesting.

Psychology 305 (Special Topics): Social Influence. This class actually takes the cake as the very, very best class of my degree. It was fascinating and fun and I feel like I learned so much about how marketing works. Honestly, I didn't ever skip this class because I didn't want to miss a thing (and that says a lot because I am an avid class skipper). You wouldn't believe the way we influence each other - and sometimes don't even realize it. Everyone should take this class. Of course, it was taught by my absolute favourite professor Jennifer Passey. Seriously. Take this class.

Psychology 339: Abnormal psych is every psych student's pride and joy. So much fun - it's all stuff you actually want to remember. Symptoms of this class include walking around like you can diagnose any person's oddities and deciding that you have a new disorder every week.

Psychology 365: Advanced perception blew my mind. It's like proving that your whole life is one big optical illusion. It was really fun, really interesting and the prof, Karsten Loepelmann was one of my very favourites. In fact, I purposely took all of the classes he taught because I liked him so much. I recommend this class to everyone - but it is certainly not easy!

Psychology 375: As a follow up on the second year brain and behaviour class, this class dives into cognitive neuroscience. I learned SO MUCH in this class and I didn't even realize it. It's definitely not an easy class but Dr. Jeremy Caplan is one of the best professors that ualberta has on staff. This class sparked my interest in research and allowed me to explore my interest in normal brain function.

Psychology 377: And how could I put 375 on this list without mentioning its sister course? This class provided an in-depth look at the neuro side of brain dysfunction and disorder. It had a really cool component where we got to watch a movie about a psych disorder and then write a paper on it. This was a fantastic class.

Fourth Year Classes

Psychology 403 (Special Topics): This class provided an in-depth look at the neuroscience of memory. This class makes the list for three reasons: 1. The content was incredible and fascinating. 2. The prof, Dr. Jeremy Caplan, is on my list of favourite instructors. He cares so much about students and the material and that really makes all the difference. 3. This class was organized in such a way that it may have prepared all of us for graduate school. Also, in this class, I became convinced that I might have an over-sized amygdala. If I ever get an fMRI done I'll let y'all know.

Psychology 403 (Special Topics): I'm currently taking this class - we basically get an in-depth look at different therapies and get to practice on each other. It's so much fun and our prof (Roy Frenzel) is a clinical psychologist so we get to learn so much from him. This class is helping me to revisit my "diagnose everybody" phase - except this time I'm diagnosing everybody's conversational style with a different form of therapy. It's also prep for grad school, like the other 403, but the counselling kind, instead of the neuroscience kind.

Psychology 494: I took ergonomics because it was taught by Karsten Loepelmann, and when I signed up for this class, I didn't even know what ergonomics were... and I came out of this class judging the design of everything everywhere. This class was about studying how to create things for human use. Despite the fact that we spent a little too much time talking about plane crashes (anxiety, anyone?), this class was extremely interesting and way more fun than I'd ever guessed it would be.

You made it to the end of my list! Sorry for the cray-cray long post. So you tell me - what have your favourite classes been?

cold

For a long while now I've been struggling with Christianity. Although I haven't talked much about it, it's been at least a year that I've been really struggling with the big questions. Could there really be a Heaven? Does prayer really work? Does God even exist? If yes, why are we sure Christianity is the answer?
This has been a really hard struggle for me... Previously, Christianity was my identity & my everything. Exploring life outside of that has been exciting, traumatic and exhausting. But I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be right now and the journey that I'm supposed to be on. While I could talk about that for hours (and probably reach no better conclusion), the doubt and exploration aren't why I'm writing this post.
I've always been the kind of person to have a lot of close personal relationships, but until I began questioning my religious beliefs it had never occurred to me that so many of my relationships were based on my faith.
When my exploration of life outside of Christianity began, I immediately felt separated from so many people who I would have considered to be my closest friends. For awhile, I wondered if it was just in my head. I wondered if I was the one creating those boundaries to protect myself from being swayed back into the faith. Being that I've always found it challenging to share my deep struggles with even my closest friends, I thought this was another example of that. So I made it a new years resolution to myself to reach out to my Christian girlfriends and try to reconnect - particularly the seven that I'd had the closest relationships with.
I met up with one friend in January, and shared these thoughts with her. She assured me wholeheartedly that my disenchantment with Christianity would/should have no effect on my relationships. She told me that I would always be welcome & valued. And I believed her.
Fast forward to this weekend. One of the seven girlfriends invited everyone to get together and pray for another of the seven. Instantly, I felt conflicted. I love these girls. So wholeheartedly. And I want to support them in any way that I can. But being that I've been reluctant to share my struggle with Christianity, I was immediately concerned that they would expect me to be a certain way. Prayerful, to put a word on it. And I have been prayerful as I've explored my journey. Not always perfectly, and not always directed at a Christian God exactly, but prayerful. But I don't know what I think of prayer and it's kind of a strange area for me right now. So I was conflicted.
I texted two of the seven girlfriends to ask for their advice. I can't really even share how hard it was for me to take that step of vulnerability and be honest about where I was on the prayer situation. I guess I kind of expected them to tell me to come to show my support anyways. What I got (from both of them) was literally the opposite.

They both told me not to come.

In nicer words, of course, but it was still just as hurtful. One actually said that for prayer to be effective, everyone present had to be in agreement... I'm sorry - since when can an all powerful God only answer prayers if everyone in the room believes in Him? It is not like I disagreed with the reasons for the prayer either...  I feel like promising that you're not trying to be offensive doesn't make your statement unoffensive and doesn't give you free reign to be offensive. These friends answered my vulnerability with rejection.
I guess I feel somewhat lost and abandoned. Am I being a drama queen? Or were their actions cold, as I'm interpreting them to be?

ENFP Confessions #5

For my birthday last year, a really good friend of mine bought me a very cool present (she wrote this post!). It's a journal that asks you a question every day for a year - and there is space for five years. I don't know if I explained that right.

A few days ago, on February 6th, to be exact, the question was Are you seeking excitement or contentment? And I had a REALLY hard time with the answer for a little while. But the reason this post is an ENFP confession is because I'm going to talk a little about that little P (perceiving) at the end of my type!

When people get to know me, it's pretty common for them to ask me if I'm sure I'm not a J (judging). I'm internally organized, I like {when other people have to follow the} rules and I'm never late for anything. I keep an immaculate order to my mind. So why am I a P? I love spontaneity. I don't mind changing my schedule around, I love {when I get to} break rules, I can jump from one conversation to another without feeling phased. I have laundry all over my bedroom, I love trying new things, pushing my comfort zone and I hate all household chores (although that last point might be an N thing).

Us P-types thrive with internal harmony and external cray-cray-ness. So my answer for the question? "Both. I want internal contentment and external excitement."

[Crunch the numbers: 365 questions, 5 years and 1825 answers.]

High Five for Friday

It's Friday! Yay! This weekend I'm going to a retreat with the executive of my student group and I'm really excited. I'm giving a mini workshop on nonverbal communication and I have about a billion improv games planned - I'm sure my fellow executives (all introverts) are probably just thrilled. lol. Oh well.

Today I'm linking up with Lauren Elizabeth for a five greats from the past week post called High Five for Friday! Yay! Here are my five: 

1. I got a sticker from Aerie Real's new campaign - they're no longer retouching their models which is really exciting to me. I hope this means we're one step closer to letting go of the ideals of photoshop altogether.
   
2. This week I managed to get ahead in my classes. I don't have any midterms or assignments now until after reading week, so I'm resisting the urge to slack off.
3. It's currently international week at the university and today was also Chinese New Year - I got to see some really fantastic lion dancers! They were seriously fantastic; I couldn't look away! Hence the poor photo quality. 
   
4. This week I went to see Dallas Buyers Club with one of my besties. It was absolutely incredible and I definitely recommend seeing it if you are into pharmaceutical history, AIDS prevention/treatment or if you just enjoy an amazing and emotional plot.
5. Today was filled with really good chats with friends. These hands belong to an inspirational and incredible friend of mine. I love Henna. Also she's holding a glass jar and I'm pretty much obsessed with glass jars so I forced her to let me photograph her hands! :) 
   

Hope your week was filled with many high points and have a great weekend!

ENFP Confessions #4

Sometimes I feel like my imaginative life is maybe more active than my actual life.

Recently, some friends and I went to see the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. It was fantastic - a definite idealist movie and I definitely recommend seeing it if you want some inspiration. [Favourite quote: "Beautiful things don't ask for attention."]

From the moment I saw the movie's trailer, something about it stood out to me. If you haven't heard about it, it's a guy who lives in a daydreamy world where he is a heroic champion and must go on a journey to discover his true identity. And that stuck out to me. 

I know I've mentioned it on here before how intense my daydreaming life is - sometimes it distracts me from what's really going on in my life. I can daydream for hours if nothing interrupts me, and I always go on the most exciting and incredible adventures. In my head. Yup. 

So I was pretty convinced that this movie was going to be about an introverted, male version of myself (and I was right). I think my little daydreaming problem is such a beneficial gift - sometimes it teaches me valuable things about people, relationships and myself. Sometimes, however, I need to go live my adventures instead of daydreaming about them.

ENFP thought for the day: I think emotion and imagination are rational logic in their own ways.

hometown & senoritis

I'm back! After a month off of blogging (for exams, visiting my hometown and getting settled into a new semester), I am blogging again! Y'all probably missed me, right?

For those of you who don't know me, I'm from a small coastal town in BC. I went to visit my fam for Christmas and it was so restful. I know I've blogged before about how exhausting it can be to visit family (or go on vacation in general), but this was not the case this year. 

I cannot even begin to share how meaningful it was for me that my family understood the level of exhaustion I showed up with. I slept for 12 hours a day, watched tons of movies and tv, hung out with my prego sister, cuddled with my cat, had long (and deep) talks with old friends and just sort of chilled. Sound lame? It was. But more than anything it was exactly what I needed.

Now I'm starting my last semester at the university of alberta. I honestly don't know how to feel - I'm sad, I'm excited, I'm annoyed, I'm overjoyed, I'm scared, I'm brave... I think it's called senoritis. Trying to find purpose in life while trying to ride the high of making it through 5 years of intense education. Intense growth.

I'm not sure what the future holds, and sometimes that's pretty scary. I do know, however, that this is going to be the best semester of my life. 

and I'm thrilled.

Blogmopolitan Quiz

So I basically feel like a celeb right now. You know those quizzes at the interview section of Cosmo? Well this super cool blogger put together a similar quiz for us blogging ladies to fill out.
This was seriously SO fun.
It didn't quite fit properly in my template, but you just have to click on it for it to get bigger!

Love it!

in case you haven't heard

So something crazy happened about an hour ago and I feel like it's worth posting about. It's no big deal or anything but BEYONCE RELEASED A NEW ALBUM. With a video for every song. oh my dear goodness gracious. Queen Bey. Forever. And always. AAAAH!! This ENFP is freaking right out!

Post by Beyoncé.

procrastination list

I'm procrastinating on studying for my Cell Bio final, and I thought I'd share my procrastinations with y'all.

1. I just counted how many lip glosses/lip chaps are on my desk. The answer is 5. Is that necessary? I don't know. It's an addiction I can't fully explain... especially the lip gloss thing, because I hardly ever wear it (I hate it when my hair sticks to my lips). 

2. I tried to make banana bread, and after I mixed it all up I realized I don't have a bread pan. Soooo I tried putting it into muffin tins. It really didn't work out. Looks awful, but tastes amazing, so I guess it's not a complete lose.

3. I really appreciated reading through this. How many of these things apply to you? 

4. In the spirit of counting things at my desk, I also have 9 notepads on top of my desk. That's not including the ones in the boxes under my desk. I know, I know I don't need that many notepads. but they're kind of my favourite thing to buy for myself. They're so pretty, I just can't resist.

5. I can't quite get enough of this mash-up, despite the heavy influences of my least favourite song ever. What do you think? 

Well I guess it's back to cell bio for me. Happy exams, friends!

ENFP Confessions #3

Relationships are probably the most important thing in the world to me. I love people in general, and I've been known to tell people that I don't do acquaintances. We either are friends, or we're not friends, and there's no real in between for me. My relationships are part of my identity. In the words of my favourite ENFP...

I have a really hard time letting go of my relationships. The getting to know someone process is incredibly life changing for me with any relationship, particularly deeper relationships. My relationships become a huge part of who I am; it's challenging for me to accept that sometimes the most healthy thing is to take a break from a relationship.

I know this post seems kind of serious, but it's something I'm seriously thinking about tonight. Sometimes, letting go of the things we hold dearest can allow us to be extraordinarily free.