The Mask

I think I used to wear masks a lot. I'm not sure how else I'd be able to suddenly so easily see so many of my character flaws. I think I still wear masks too, but less. I think I often wear the mask of obnoxious. The mask of joyful insanity, so that people don't come too close.

Truthfully, I'm really afraid to lose people. I'm really afraid that once I let someone in, they won't like what they see, and that they'll abandon me. I guess there's some part of me that thinks it's better to never have a friendship than to lose one.

It really frightens me when people start dating. I feel like I won't matter anymore, and I think I begin to distance myself from friends who are starting new relationships. Some of this comes from a painful experience: this summer, my bestie J started dating my childhood best friend L. It was really hard for me to deal with, as I felt like neither of them had time for me anymore, and that neither of them wanted to hang out with me if the other couldn't be there too. I still feel this way. Oh, early adulthood - everyone is pairing off and starting their lives. Except me, it feels like.

This year, I've tried (and am trying) to be more honest with people about how I feel, but I often feel like they're not really listening when I try to share. I feel like my feelings and thoughts don't matter to other people, and that I should just keep them to myself. Most times when I share what I think, someone tells me that I'm wrong! But, back when I would never share my opinions, people would get frustrated with me for not sharing what I think.

I feel like I'm just sitting here whining, so I'll probably just wrap this up. Truthfully, I've been very blessed with very good friends, and lots of incredible opportunities. This journey of figuring out who I am is very trying, but it's kind of an amazing ride. :)

Diwali Dreams

I would so love to be in India to see Diwali next month. Diwali is India's festival of lights, and the whole country (or the northern parts of it) are lit up by candles for 5 days. Something that really strikes me is that though Diwali is popularly known as the festival of lights, it actually refers to "the awareness of inner light." I often don't know how to react to other religions. Diwali is a celebration throughout most Indian religions about good triumphing over evil. I just don't understand, sometimes, how we know that other religions aren't true. I've heard so many people tell me that Muslim religions are practically the same as Christianity, with a different name for their God. While I know this is not true, it's only speculation - I have no reason not to believe this except an inner part that says something's a little off. And yet, I don't even know if that part is truly the consciousness of the Holy Spirit, or if it's just filled with words that have been ingrained into my head since I was born again. I've often wondered at other religions, though. With the struggles with doubt that I just went through, I feel too unsteady to learn about other religions, for I imagine I would have a panic attacking-wave of doubt if I don't wait to finish sorting out last year.

Do you ever wonder how one event in your life can have such a large impact on you? How one hole prodded into your child-like faith can cause all you've ever known to be questioned? It startles me. I long to just trust blindly, and I am improving, most certainly, but it is still really hard. I still sometimes burst into tears and think God's not real. I still sometimes struggle to know what's going on; what's spiritual attack and what's not. I am going for another round of healing prayer (the day before I get my wisdom teeth out...), and I'm really looking forward to more freedom. I know that I can come to a place of this freedom without the help of the prayer team, but more often than not as I try to pray my way through things, they get muddier, and I get more confused. Sometimes, there's just something reassuring of having someone look you in the eyes and tell you that you're loved, and that the Holy Spirit lives inside you.

The Stress

I know that when I get stressed out, the most important things are time with God, sleep and studying. Yet it feels like in this very stressful time, I do these things least of all! I feel like I'm living and breathing Paul's thoughts of doing what I do not want to do. I feel like in nearly every post on this blog, I'm talking about how much *more time I need to spend with God, and how I always do other things. Over the last year, the amount of time that I spend with God has increased a lot, but I know that it's not enough. For the next week, my friend M changed my facebook password so that I can't get on when I should be studying. It's still so easy to waste time. Why is it so easy to put other things first!? I've often wondered if it's because God doesn't always seem that tangible, and we need something responsive. And I know, God IS responsive. I'm just not always tuned into hearing Him. I have Bible Study tonight, and for once, I want to spend the HOUR before it praying and studying for the night. I know the beauty of prayer. I feel like an idiot sometimes, I really don't do what I want to. I signed up for some intercessory and spirit-lead sessions at Breakforth this year, and I'm hopeful that the Spirit will speak to me. I know that the Spirit doesn't need a place like Breakforth in order to speak to me, but sometimes it's hard to do on your own. Anyways, I should get back to studying. :)

A Comic Degined with Me in Mind!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I really felt that the artists at Cyanide and Happiness thought of me, when creating this comic. SO FUNNY.

Love is All That Matters

Today was so good. After a few very emotionally traumatic days, my small group thought a while praying over me was exactly what I needed - and you just have no idea how right they were. Jesus is so good and all I need. And He blessed me so thoroughly today (and last night at small group. Those girls are amazing stewards of His Love and I am so dang thankful!)!

Today, I received the joys of doing a crossword with two awesome friends, watching some business students practice a presentation (which was hilarious), had tea with someone SO special to me, and was able to talk to my best friend J on the phone for a good chunk of time!

It gets me to thinking... Jesus is so present in our everyday lives. It's the little things that are His greatest blessings to me. I am so blessed.

Last weekend I was able to volunteer for a night at our homeless shelter called the MustardSeed. It was probably one of the most impacting moments on my life. It was incredible just to watch the hockey game with the homeless. What amazed me the most was how they just accepted me and my friends like we were their own - but when do we do that for them? They were like a family, and they wanted us to be a part of it. The Church is also a family, and don't we want THEM to be a part of it?

Something else that really impacted me was a chat with a man who had gone from homeless druggie to bus driving Christian. He was telling us about how when he decided he was done with his life of sin, whenever things would go bad, he would just pray about it and had a peace that God would take care of him... and He did! This man was so full of faith. As a university student, I do understand not knowing what's going on in my life, and this man's words just spoke to me! Another thing was how willing the guy was to talk God. I don't consider myself to be afraid of talking about God, but I don't bring it up on my own all that often because I'm truthfully afraid of the bad connotations that come with calling yourself a Christian. And this just struck me that it doesn't matter how people react to my willingness to say that Jesus is the way! Jesus loves me, and LOVE is all that matters!

Let love explode and bring the dead to life...

Came to my Rescue - Hillsong United.

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

I'm Sensitive, and I'd Like to Stay that Way

Lately, I've really been realizing that I don't really know who I am. And by lately, I mean that since I started university, I'm realizing that I don't have a freaking clue who I am!

I know I'm Jesus' bride, I know that I'm loved by my heavenly father - the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, in case you were confused. But who does that make me?

And what's more, I've realized that I try and take on characteristics of other people that I think are cool. Example? My friend M is really laid back and cool in my eyes, and she is the farthest thing from an emotional person, so over the summer I tried to extinguish the emotional side of me, tried to develop a more sensible, logical side of me. It was a little damaging, as I wasn't being me to any degree. It was impossible, and only made me more frustrated. Another example? I have recently met a guy whom I am reasonably attracted to and really want to get to know, only because of my little crush I have a really difficult time talking to him. Not only that, but I seem to not act anything like me around him. I'm working on it... (PS, he's really, really cute! And SO freaking nice!!)

I just don't know how to be myself.

Well, this week I really want to figure myself out a bit. Who am I? haha. Anyways, I must get back to the books. In order to take Thursday off (to see DAVID CROWDER BAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), I need to get a lot of work done today and tomorrow. So, ciao!

That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion

Yeah, sorry, writing about Glee again. It seems that I have nothing better to say. :)

I'd really love to get everyone's opinion on this week's Glee.

This week, Kurt's dad ended up in the hospital in a coma, and everyone started breaking out their faiths.

I just wasn't sure what to think. The only thing that seemed genuine to me was the part where Sue's disabled sister says "God doesn't make mistakes; that's what I believe." And Sue almost cries as her sister offers to pray for her. This stuck with me; the rest, trying to 'find the faith for them', seemed so fake.

And it reminds me of the course my friend M is taking at St. Stephen's. Finding a God to suit your lifestyle - how is that dedication? How is that devotion? How is that laying down your life for a Saviour who died and payed for YOUR (my) sins? You can't sculpt Jesus into the easiest version of Him for you to follow.

I'm leading my small group in a study of Mere Christianity. Though we've only read chapter 1 of book 1, it's so thought provoking. Yes, we all agree there is a law of Human Nature. Where does that come from, then? Can you sculpt the law into something that works for you? Lewis seems to think that everyone tries to, but everyone also thinks that no one else has the right to.

I think I agree.

This whole post was probably extremely pointless, sorry. I'm just writing what I'm thinking.

Glee?

I'm just so opposed to how sexual Glee has become. It's my favourite tv show, but I just feel so uncomfortable with all of the sex appeal that they're only using to get ratings. I feel so awkward watching it, and I want to turn it off, but it's my favourite show...

Could it just be this episode, based on Britney Spears?

And even the whole gay thing. They're really playing it up, and I feel uncomfortable with that too.

This world is so blindly looking for purpose and worth, don't they see?

You were made to long for worth, and made to find and receive it from Christ.

Pathetic Failure?

I just feel like I've never done anything in my life. Nothing right, anyways. I've screwed up lots, and I've hurt a lot of people, but never have I ever gone through with something. I'm so lazy, and I'm not good enough for anything.

You know why I came to U of A? To go into Medicine. It was my dream for 7 years. And I just quit; I gave up.

And I'm falling back on counselling, which is something people always told me I'd be good at, and hey look, I don't even know if I can do that.

I feel so stupid right now.

And discouraged! Like, if this is supposed to be what I'm doing with my life, then why can't I get a VOLUNTEER position!?

That's who I am. The girl who gives up, I don't see anything through. I feel like, as the title says, a pathetic failure. Truthfully, I still want to be a doctor. I really, really do.

And I know, worldly ambitions don't matter, right? But Satan is so big on telling me that they do. He loves to point out that right now, according to the world, I'm worth nothing.

I'll really get down to it. Faith this year has been hard. I went through a lot, and the punches do keep coming.
And I know that I prayed before my interview for God's will not mine, and I'm trying SO hard to accept it.

Oh, boy, it was just 11:11 - I usually take that time to praise God. I must praise Him in these times. I must lift Him up!

So Thankful

I've been really blessed over the past few months by my C&C family at McKernan Baptist Church! I just got back from a games' night/worship/campfire with those guys, and I just feel so joyful! I'm realizing more and more how important community is. I really feel like we can lift each other up, and bring each other closer to Jesus. So many people from my extended family have blessed me by sharing their stories, wisdom and advice with me. I'm so thankful! I don't have anything else worthwhile to share right now... Classes are going well, I'm getting pretty involved everywhere and my small group has started off! I'm feeling pretty joyful tonight! Yay! Life! Oh, Happiness!

Cause and Effect

The people around me have too much influence on me.

I can think of so many ways where this is true. I have such a difficult time being true to who I know I am when I'm around my vibrantly nonChristian friends. I really struggle to uphold my beliefs. But what I want to talk about is how much I let people around me influence my emotions.

I should probably say now that I am an extremely emotional person, and my emotions have so much to do with everything about me. I know that makes no sense, but tonight, a girl I'd just met was really rude to me, and it just made me so sad and self conscious all night.

And here I am, trying to tell a friend that "meeting people's expectations isn't what really matters." When do I live THAT out? Never. I'm always trying to please everyone around me, and make them think I'm great.

What's most important?

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

Mark 12:28-31 says:

²⁸One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

²⁹"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' ³¹The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

So, what really matters? What people think of me? No. Their reactions to me should NOT effect who I am this deeply. I must let go of this.

PS - Healing prayer on Thursday! YAY!