The Stress

I know that when I get stressed out, the most important things are time with God, sleep and studying. Yet it feels like in this very stressful time, I do these things least of all! I feel like I'm living and breathing Paul's thoughts of doing what I do not want to do. I feel like in nearly every post on this blog, I'm talking about how much *more time I need to spend with God, and how I always do other things. Over the last year, the amount of time that I spend with God has increased a lot, but I know that it's not enough. For the next week, my friend M changed my facebook password so that I can't get on when I should be studying. It's still so easy to waste time. Why is it so easy to put other things first!? I've often wondered if it's because God doesn't always seem that tangible, and we need something responsive. And I know, God IS responsive. I'm just not always tuned into hearing Him. I have Bible Study tonight, and for once, I want to spend the HOUR before it praying and studying for the night. I know the beauty of prayer. I feel like an idiot sometimes, I really don't do what I want to. I signed up for some intercessory and spirit-lead sessions at Breakforth this year, and I'm hopeful that the Spirit will speak to me. I know that the Spirit doesn't need a place like Breakforth in order to speak to me, but sometimes it's hard to do on your own. Anyways, I should get back to studying. :)

A Comic Degined with Me in Mind!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I really felt that the artists at Cyanide and Happiness thought of me, when creating this comic. SO FUNNY.

Love is All That Matters

Today was so good. After a few very emotionally traumatic days, my small group thought a while praying over me was exactly what I needed - and you just have no idea how right they were. Jesus is so good and all I need. And He blessed me so thoroughly today (and last night at small group. Those girls are amazing stewards of His Love and I am so dang thankful!)!

Today, I received the joys of doing a crossword with two awesome friends, watching some business students practice a presentation (which was hilarious), had tea with someone SO special to me, and was able to talk to my best friend J on the phone for a good chunk of time!

It gets me to thinking... Jesus is so present in our everyday lives. It's the little things that are His greatest blessings to me. I am so blessed.

Last weekend I was able to volunteer for a night at our homeless shelter called the MustardSeed. It was probably one of the most impacting moments on my life. It was incredible just to watch the hockey game with the homeless. What amazed me the most was how they just accepted me and my friends like we were their own - but when do we do that for them? They were like a family, and they wanted us to be a part of it. The Church is also a family, and don't we want THEM to be a part of it?

Something else that really impacted me was a chat with a man who had gone from homeless druggie to bus driving Christian. He was telling us about how when he decided he was done with his life of sin, whenever things would go bad, he would just pray about it and had a peace that God would take care of him... and He did! This man was so full of faith. As a university student, I do understand not knowing what's going on in my life, and this man's words just spoke to me! Another thing was how willing the guy was to talk God. I don't consider myself to be afraid of talking about God, but I don't bring it up on my own all that often because I'm truthfully afraid of the bad connotations that come with calling yourself a Christian. And this just struck me that it doesn't matter how people react to my willingness to say that Jesus is the way! Jesus loves me, and LOVE is all that matters!

Let love explode and bring the dead to life...

Came to my Rescue - Hillsong United.

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

I'm Sensitive, and I'd Like to Stay that Way

Lately, I've really been realizing that I don't really know who I am. And by lately, I mean that since I started university, I'm realizing that I don't have a freaking clue who I am!

I know I'm Jesus' bride, I know that I'm loved by my heavenly father - the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, in case you were confused. But who does that make me?

And what's more, I've realized that I try and take on characteristics of other people that I think are cool. Example? My friend M is really laid back and cool in my eyes, and she is the farthest thing from an emotional person, so over the summer I tried to extinguish the emotional side of me, tried to develop a more sensible, logical side of me. It was a little damaging, as I wasn't being me to any degree. It was impossible, and only made me more frustrated. Another example? I have recently met a guy whom I am reasonably attracted to and really want to get to know, only because of my little crush I have a really difficult time talking to him. Not only that, but I seem to not act anything like me around him. I'm working on it... (PS, he's really, really cute! And SO freaking nice!!)

I just don't know how to be myself.

Well, this week I really want to figure myself out a bit. Who am I? haha. Anyways, I must get back to the books. In order to take Thursday off (to see DAVID CROWDER BAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), I need to get a lot of work done today and tomorrow. So, ciao!

That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion

Yeah, sorry, writing about Glee again. It seems that I have nothing better to say. :)

I'd really love to get everyone's opinion on this week's Glee.

This week, Kurt's dad ended up in the hospital in a coma, and everyone started breaking out their faiths.

I just wasn't sure what to think. The only thing that seemed genuine to me was the part where Sue's disabled sister says "God doesn't make mistakes; that's what I believe." And Sue almost cries as her sister offers to pray for her. This stuck with me; the rest, trying to 'find the faith for them', seemed so fake.

And it reminds me of the course my friend M is taking at St. Stephen's. Finding a God to suit your lifestyle - how is that dedication? How is that devotion? How is that laying down your life for a Saviour who died and payed for YOUR (my) sins? You can't sculpt Jesus into the easiest version of Him for you to follow.

I'm leading my small group in a study of Mere Christianity. Though we've only read chapter 1 of book 1, it's so thought provoking. Yes, we all agree there is a law of Human Nature. Where does that come from, then? Can you sculpt the law into something that works for you? Lewis seems to think that everyone tries to, but everyone also thinks that no one else has the right to.

I think I agree.

This whole post was probably extremely pointless, sorry. I'm just writing what I'm thinking.

Glee?

I'm just so opposed to how sexual Glee has become. It's my favourite tv show, but I just feel so uncomfortable with all of the sex appeal that they're only using to get ratings. I feel so awkward watching it, and I want to turn it off, but it's my favourite show...

Could it just be this episode, based on Britney Spears?

And even the whole gay thing. They're really playing it up, and I feel uncomfortable with that too.

This world is so blindly looking for purpose and worth, don't they see?

You were made to long for worth, and made to find and receive it from Christ.

Pathetic Failure?

I just feel like I've never done anything in my life. Nothing right, anyways. I've screwed up lots, and I've hurt a lot of people, but never have I ever gone through with something. I'm so lazy, and I'm not good enough for anything.

You know why I came to U of A? To go into Medicine. It was my dream for 7 years. And I just quit; I gave up.

And I'm falling back on counselling, which is something people always told me I'd be good at, and hey look, I don't even know if I can do that.

I feel so stupid right now.

And discouraged! Like, if this is supposed to be what I'm doing with my life, then why can't I get a VOLUNTEER position!?

That's who I am. The girl who gives up, I don't see anything through. I feel like, as the title says, a pathetic failure. Truthfully, I still want to be a doctor. I really, really do.

And I know, worldly ambitions don't matter, right? But Satan is so big on telling me that they do. He loves to point out that right now, according to the world, I'm worth nothing.

I'll really get down to it. Faith this year has been hard. I went through a lot, and the punches do keep coming.
And I know that I prayed before my interview for God's will not mine, and I'm trying SO hard to accept it.

Oh, boy, it was just 11:11 - I usually take that time to praise God. I must praise Him in these times. I must lift Him up!

So Thankful

I've been really blessed over the past few months by my C&C family at McKernan Baptist Church! I just got back from a games' night/worship/campfire with those guys, and I just feel so joyful! I'm realizing more and more how important community is. I really feel like we can lift each other up, and bring each other closer to Jesus. So many people from my extended family have blessed me by sharing their stories, wisdom and advice with me. I'm so thankful! I don't have anything else worthwhile to share right now... Classes are going well, I'm getting pretty involved everywhere and my small group has started off! I'm feeling pretty joyful tonight! Yay! Life! Oh, Happiness!

Cause and Effect

The people around me have too much influence on me.

I can think of so many ways where this is true. I have such a difficult time being true to who I know I am when I'm around my vibrantly nonChristian friends. I really struggle to uphold my beliefs. But what I want to talk about is how much I let people around me influence my emotions.

I should probably say now that I am an extremely emotional person, and my emotions have so much to do with everything about me. I know that makes no sense, but tonight, a girl I'd just met was really rude to me, and it just made me so sad and self conscious all night.

And here I am, trying to tell a friend that "meeting people's expectations isn't what really matters." When do I live THAT out? Never. I'm always trying to please everyone around me, and make them think I'm great.

What's most important?

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

Mark 12:28-31 says:

²⁸One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

²⁹"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' ³¹The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

So, what really matters? What people think of me? No. Their reactions to me should NOT effect who I am this deeply. I must let go of this.

PS - Healing prayer on Thursday! YAY!

How Come?

Sometimes, I'm just so fake.

I long, so badly, to be one of those people who truly lives for God. And I do, maybe 60% of the time. That number is getting bigger and bigger, but there is still so much of me that refuses to part with the world. I was watching some SkitGuys YouTube videos last night, and I came across this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfUzodLRvk

It really spoke to me. I'd watched this movie a few months ago, and the impact was much bigger this time. How many times do I put my hands in front of God's tools? How many times do I say "can't we deal with what I want to deal with!?" How come it's so easy to listen to the voices of the world, Satan's very own voice, telling me that Creation doesn't make sense, or that I'm better than another person? How come I can let fear consume me?

I know LOVE conquers, and I know that GOD IS LOVE. But how come I can forget?

How come I don't rely on this FACT every day? In every minute?

A few weeks ago, I sent a friend a Facebook message saying that without God, I don't think I could get through the day. How come, then, I can go through the whole day without praying, without relying on His strength, His Spirit? How come I can ignore His voice, if His Sheep know His voice? How come I can make my decisions according to what others would think of them?

How come?

Compassion And Anger

Last night, I read Jonah 4. I was really taken aback by what I found there, and I'd love to get other people's thoughts on it.

I just don't understand why Jonah is angry with God's compassion. I was praying through it last night, and I although I can't relate now, I know it's possible if I don't continue letting Jesus' love grow in me. What I understand the least is that Jonah was more than willing to take God's second chance for himself, but was angry that God gave Nineveh a second chance.

But, something equally enthralling? That even though God clearly disagrees with Jonah's anger, in verse six, "the LORD God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine."

So cool.

God also kills the vine the next day. Does it mean that God's compassion towards our sinfulness can run out?

What would have happened if Jonah had come around, even after God killed the vine?

This passage was just kinda crazy to me...

What are your thoughts? what does this mean to you, other than to not decide who God's compassion should belong to?