being real?

Lately, I've been struggling so much to be real. I was walking with God the other day, and I was real with him just for a few minutes, and I knew He was happy with me. Even if it was only a few seconds. But it's so hard, and I'm not sure how to do it.

Lately, I'm trying so hard to follow God in obedience and with the way I spend my time. But it's been so difficult. I feel like God's not happy with my attempts and no matter what I do, He's not pleased. Lately, I've been praying through 2 Timothy 1:7 which says "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and self control [discipline]"

I feel like lately my spirit hasn't been of any of those things.

I'm really identifying (lately) how much I want to be close to other people, which is new for me. I typically don't mind carrying other's burdens, but mine I hate sharing. But lately I'm longing to be cared for. And I'm noticing that I keep going to different means of false comfort for that. I know I should be going to God, but WHY does that always seem so difficult? I know that this confusing, bumpy road is not too long - the other day, I got the feeling that I'm getting close to a breakthrough. Tomorrow is my day off, and I'd like to spend a couple hours with God to relax and celebrate that I am His. I am indeed His.

For others to see that I am His, I need to be real. And I think it needs to start with me being real with both myself and especially with God. And I saw that happen for the first time the other day. But it's difficult. And I'm not sure how to achieve it.

Holy Spirit, make me real. Break my heart of stone!

Sometimes

this is how today feels.

Sometimes - David Crowder Band

Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes

When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
‘Til we’re rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
Sometimes

Sometimes
It’s like we’ll never atone
For all the love we’ve known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel it come
And that feeling’s gone
It flies

When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
Feel it rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid
Don’t be afraid
Just set your sail

And risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there's only grace